Ask Red & Black

What is “ghosting”?


Red's Head assets.rebelmouse.io

I have to confess the first time I heard the term "ghosted," I thought it had to do with Halloween or maybe parapsychology, as I know there's increased interest in the topic (my oldest daughter would watch shows such as Ghosthunters). But then Black explained it had nothing to do with ghouls and goblins, and when she initially told me that it's when someone suddenly "disappears" from your life without so much as a call, email, or text, I didn't believe her. I now know it's become a common phenomenon in the dating world, although I don't care how "common" it becomes; call me old-fashioned, but I find it downright rude. And inexcusable.


Black's HeadBlack assets.rebelmouse.io

Going back decades, I know there have been first dates that, at the time, I thought went well. But, after getting the "I'll call you" line … the phone never rang, so in that sense, "ghosting" is not an entirely new phenomenon. However, I was recently "ghosted" by someone I had been dating, and although I am not sure we were a good match, his decision to just disappear was not only inconsiderate but demonstrated a lack of basic manners.

And, ghosting is not limited to dating as it is also happening in the workplace – including when hiring and even when quitting. There is a phrase, "Give up the ghost," that means to stop making an effort, and it seems manners are rapidly going out of style, but I hope people are not "giving up the ghost" on them.
relationships
Ask Red & Black

Real Questions. Real Answers.

Design by Sawyer Pennington

JUST LIKE MOM?

One of the things that drove Red crazy growing up was when our mother asked everyone questions. Lots and lots of questions. But that was because Red was a quiet, unassuming child who disliked attention of any sort. However, as she grew up, she realized how else do you find answers? Black, on the other hand, rarely asks personal questions, figuring if you want her to know something, you’ll volunteer it. But that doesn’t mean she doesn’t ask questions. Lots and lots of questions. (WARNING! Her favorite one is, “Why?”)

OUR FAVORITE QUESTIONS …

Our favorite part of Speaking Engagements is when we open it up to questions from the audience, and, more often than not, we run out of time before we run out of questions. Many times, the questions are predictable (Did Red’s husband ever get a job?) and sometimes they’re not what we expected (What did Black learn from Red? FYI, she had to pause before answering). However, given Black turned Red’s crisis into a book — a brand — a business, we haven’t gotten a question that we refused to answer. (Note: Please do NOT take that as a challenge.)

We’ve also done countless media interviews, and the questions from media professionals are not very different from the ones at speaking engagements. However, many of them provide us with an opportunity to share food for thought and “instantly actionable” suggestions, so we’ll share the “better” questions with you.

QUESTIONS WE ASK EACH OTHER?

If you’re wondering if we ever generate the questions, the answer is “yes.” Why? Because sometimes one of us wants to know how the other one would answer it. Typically, Black’s curious about Red’s self-proclaimed “mere mortal” take on a topic, but sometimes it’s Red needing a non-emotional perspective.

SEND US YOUR QUESTIONS!

We love questions. And, yes, you can submit one. (Red gets very excited when they arrive in her inbox.)

If you receive our newsletter, you’re part of the group we invite to send questions to Red, Black, or both of us.

We read them almost immediately. (Red insists.) From there, we select the questions most likely to resonate with our community — ones that are useful, thought-provoking, or simply fun.

Because the goal isn’t just to respond. It’s to make it worth sharing.

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Ask Red & Black

I can’t see my desk there’s so much paper on it. Help!

Image on screen is from "What I Learned About Life When My Husband Got Fired!"


Red's Head assets.rebelmouse.io


Oh, there are more days than I'd care to admit that I'd be grateful if it were just my desk that had too much paper on it, as I've been known to use my floor as a filing system. Really! And I've been known to complain about feeling like I'm drowning in paper on way more than one occasion.

So, what do I do? Well, after kicking myself for letting things (once again) get out of hand instead of keeping on top of the paper clutter, I take a deep breath and remember the advice that Black gave me years ago. And although I initially resisted following her advice, once I gave in, I found it was the perfect (and easiest) way to turn mountains of paper into manageable stacks. But since it's her "system", I'll let her explain it to you.


Black's Head Black assets.rebelmouse.io


All those words and Red provided only empathy — but no real advice. However, she raises a good point in that paper will always accumulate, and we should strive to keep it from getting out of control … versus trying to control it "perfectly".

Now, in terms of the advice I gave Red, our accountants would suggest I refer you to our book, but I hate when people do that. Instead, we put the relevant excerpt on this site: Too Much Paper — Not Enough Time.

But, here is a short version ("short" in terms of explanation, not the time it will take to make the piles shrink): take a handful of papers and begin sorting them into piles based on priority — immediate, this week, next week, next month, next lifetime. You will quickly realize that the majority of the items will be very low priority, such as reading, filing, or shredding. And, separating out the highest-priority items will not only help you focus on them, but will also reduce the stress of wondering if there is something important you are forgetting to do.
piles of paper
Ask Red & Black

I’m always so stressed, how do you manage to relax or escape?


Red assets.rebelmouse.io


As an ostrich by nature, I guess sticking my head in the sand wouldn’t be the answer you’re looking for. Although, ironically, I find the less news I watch, the better. But a “trick” I learned as a teenager (when I was a kid, I thought it was a punishment) is taking a nap, even if it’s only for 15 minutes. Sometimes just lying down, even when I’m not tired, lets my batteries recharge. Other times, when I have a lot going on in my head, I find a nap or a short walk, which gives me the added benefit of a little exercise, gives me a few minutes of calm. Periodically, I tell Black that I’m going to try to get away for a few days or even have a “staycation”, where the objective is to do nothing, but it never seems to happen.

Of course, anyone who knows me knows that movies are my great escape. And, yes, it’s because I love the popcorn. But there’s something about getting lost in what’s on the screen and forgetting the craziness of everyday life. Even if that means my theater degree sometimes kicks in, and I’m analyzing the movie instead of enjoying it at face value.


Black assets.rebelmouse.io


Asking a workaholic how to relax or escape may seem like an oxymoron, but if you will accept a “do as I say, not as I do” moment, I would suggest trying to find balance. Of course, I have a car analogy — a traffic light.

My escape, though, is through exercise. However, I sometimes retreat to my hammock, which may seem strange for a workaholic living in a high-rise. I was intrigued by the company (Yellow Leaf), their SharkTank negotiations, and their backstory of empowering women by creating jobs that ultimately transform families. So, when I noticed they had a “Hammock Throne” (that is the actual name) that would fit in a corner of my balcony, I ordered it. Little did I know it would become a wonderful way to relax and a great escape (ok, I admit I use it to do business reading).
stress