Chapter 16: I Have Three Children If You Count My Husband
Even before Red's life was turned upside down, she wanted to be the best mom possible, so often wondered and worried about the best way to raise her girls. And when she was in the midst of her "crisis" (her word, not Black's), her daughters were very young – Sawyer was 1-1/2 years old and Natasha just under 5, although she'd proclaim, "I'm almost 5." (It's funny how "young" is subjective, as at the time Red considered them young but now "very young".) But as Red turned to Black for "answers" to everything, Black understood one of Red's top priorities was making sure that the girls weren't getting short-changed. Given Black doesn't have any children, Red was amazed to receive what she's referred to as "Some of the best parental advice. Ever." (Black just rolls her eyes.)
P.S. – Looking back, Red claims that Black's advice not only made all the difference at the time but over the years. Somehow, the simple concept of treating kids as "little people" (Black calls them "munchkins"), so with respect and honesty, trusting them with responsibility and giving them credit for understanding and doing the right thing, was the closest thing to a "magical approach" for Red (yes, growing up, she and the girls watched a lot of Disney) that she's ever found. And, surprisingly enough, has even helped her with managing "big people."
| Patience, grasshopper. You also have to remember that when I first started dating Larry, his girls were 7 and 9, so I skipped over the phase you are in. I had dated men with children, but none as young as Larry's, so I was not quite sure how to deal with them. So, I decided to treat them like little people. In fact, that is why I started calling them the "Munchkins," like the little people from The Wizard of Oz. |
| I always wondered about that. Were you the good witch or the bad witch? |
| Neither. I was probably more like the Mayor of Munchkin City. Since I was used to working in a corporate environment, I applied the same people skills. |
| You're kidding, right? |
Black
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| Not really. For example, anytime I was put in charge of a new department or hired new employees, I tried to be patient because I realized people need time to adjust to a new environment and/or new responsibilities. I did not expect them to "get it" immediately. I always tried to pose things as a request versus making a demand. And, I would ask them what they needed help with versus waiting for them to have a problem. I took the same approach with the Munchkins. |
| That makes a lot of sense. And what about when Larry and you decided to live together? |
| Same basic approach. Plus, by moving into a new house, it provided the perfect opportunity to establish ground rules. I even created a document called "Rules of the House." |
| You had a list of rules? I love it! Can I get a copy? |
| The point is not the list, but the concept. I figured they needed to know what was expected of them in our house versus what they might do in their mom's house or had done in their dad's house. The rules also provided consistency — they knew they would not change each weekend depending on my mood or memory. All the rules were reasonable. In fact, most were common sense. |
| Such as? |
| Flush after you use the toilet. Brush your teeth every morning and night. The piano can only be used with permission. |
| Those are rules in our house, too, but they seem simple enough that I wouldn't think you needed a formal document. |
| True. But, I knew employees basically wanted to please management, so I figured kids wanted to please their parents. I presented most of the rules as things to do — not things not to do. For example, instead of saying "no screaming in the house," I said, "loud screaming is to be done outside only." I looked at the rules as an opportunity for them to achieve and succeed, not as a set of restrictions. It also allowed me to teach them priorities. For example, homework had to be done first thing on Saturday, and there was no television or other activities until it was finished. |
| Now I'm starting to understand. And what happened if they broke any of the rules? |
| Initially, they were reminded of the rule and soon they all became habits, but I never focused on punishing them for breaking a rule. Quite the opposite — they earned their weekend allowance by following the rules. I always found it more effective, with the girls as well as employees and even Larry, to reinforce positive behavior rather than punish bad behavior. It can be as simple as a "thank you," complimenting them on their efforts, or maybe even reward a job well done. |
| For someone with no prior training, you seem to have caught on to the parenting job pretty well. |
| How difficult is it to be honest and upfront with people about expectations? And, explain what they need to do or not do? And, acknowledge their efforts? I hate to state the obvious, and I know there is a lot about being a parent that I do not have a clue about, but like I said earlier … children are just little people. |
Chapter 18: Whine Or Lemonade? Your Choice
This year, when it comes to making New Year’s resolutions, Red has decided to make a conscious effort to do something she’s talked about for years. Something she knows can lead to happiness or, at least, feelings of contentment and satisfaction.
Three months into her "crisis" (Red's word, not Black's), Red looks back and begins to realize the impact of the lessons she was forced to learn were truly invaluable. And that as much as she initially fought having to face reality and actually make changes, vs. just hoping she could "wish" everything to be better, that would've fixed nothing. In fact, it would've only made things worse. Of course, she'll always question how Black could have been so optimistic, going so far as to say Red's crisis was going to be the best thing that ever happened to her.
P.S. – Red still questions Black's optimism, but that's because she's come to realize her natural tendency is to initially focus on the negative. She claims it's because she's "wired" that way, but that's ok because she has learned that just means she has to work harder to overcome the negative and focus on the positive. And challenging times are the perfect time to remind herself that although this mindset and approach may seem hard to do, the results can be so much better than initially hoped for.
| I'm surprised to find you online again. |
| Why? Typical Saturday night. Done with dinner and no one to talk to once I get home. Only tonight home is a hotel and there is no one snoring on the couch. |
| Sorry. |
| No reason to be. Everything will work out. One way or another. |
| That's what you told me when Nick was fired. In fact, you went so far as to say you thought it was the best thing that ever happened to us. Did you really mean that, or were you trying to make me feel better? |
| Maybe not THE very best, but it was definitely a good thing. What is that cliche' about when life hands you lemons ... make a lemon drop martini? |
| Gee, and I always thought you were supposed to make lemonade! But are you saying that because you're trying to find a positive side or because you genuinely believe it? |
| Both. It does not cost anything to look on the positive side of things, but focusing on the negative can definitely have a steep price. Think about where you might be if you had chosen to wallow in your misery rather than taking a proactive approach. Think about where you are today and your outlook for the future. If Nick had not gotten fired, what would have made you look at your priorities? Not to mention your spending habits and all the other lessons you have learned. Do you think you would be in the same place? Doubtful. So yes, I genuinely believe it was for the best. |
| You're very philosophical tonight. So you really believe things happen for a reason? |
| Absolutely, although at the time we may not understand the reason. One day we may be able to look back and understand why things happened. Or we may never understand. Regardless, life goes on. And you need to make the most of each and every day. |
| OK, Miss Eternal Optimist, that's all fine and good. But what do you do on the days when you can't see the bright side? Then what? |
| Then imagine how things could be worse and be thankful for the fact they are not. Like I tell Mom when she is looking for sympathy and starts whining about problems or ailments ... "look on the bright side, at least you are not dead." |
Chapter 10: So You Think Staying At Home Isn’t A Full-Time Job?
Being a mom, although wonderful, can be challenging … and Red has found that’s especially true during the “dog days” of summer (and is why she created this list of summer ideas), but she’s still amused by Black’s perspective on the “job” of being a mom …
Even before Red’s husband was fired, she had a lot on her plate. But, in reality, probably no more than any other mom, daughter, and wife, who are often (or should that be “usually”) at the center of everything, with their lives being a combination of chauffeur, referee, nurse, cook, friend, and an assortment of other “hats”. And while it can be very rewarding and gratifying knowing that so many people count on you, it can also be overwhelming, not to mention just plain stressful.
P.S. – Even today, Black’s perspective on being a full-time mom (as a stepmom, she considered herself a part-time mom, although she knew that was an important role) still makes Red smile. And while years ago she might have wished she was just a little less needed, now that her girls are older, it makes her a little sad and very nostalgic.
| Another early morning? |
| Yes! Now that I did the Sunday night review, I can see how you wake up on Monday mornings ready to tackle the week. Except today is Presidents’ Day and so Natasha’s home from school. |
| Anything special planned? |
| Why do I have to have something special planned? In fact, why do I have to be the one who does all the planning? |
| Sorry I asked … |
red head
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Black
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| Sorry I’m the one who’s always in charge. Yesterday Mommy called hinting about me driving the girls up to The Woodlands to see her. Last night Natasha was bugging me about plans for today. And at bedtime, Nick was muttering something about looking at TVs for the new house, as if we could afford them. |
| Sounds like you have several options for the day. I do not understand the problem. |
| You wouldn’t. You’re not a mom, or at least not a full-time mom. It seems like everyone wants a piece of me — the kids, Nick, Mom. Sometimes I feel like I don’t have a second to think, or even go to the bathroom, without someone interrupting me. |
| That’s because when you said, “I do,” it was short for “I do everything!” |
| You may find that amusing, but I don’t. Everyone needs me to do something. And they want it done on demand. |
| Look on the bright side — at least you know you are needed. |
| That’s what Mom said yesterday, but she said it looking for sympathy. The “woe is me — no one needs me” speech. I tried explaining that it wasn’t the being needed — it was the being needed for every little thing. |
| So when you say it, you are NOT looking for sympathy? |
| That’s different. I’m just venting. And only to you. |
| Thanks for making me feel needed. Being needed is the ultimate in job security. |
| Great. So I guess that means there’s no chance I’ll get fired. |
| Highly unlikely. You chose a career path with great job security but awful hours. Not to mention your job is far more difficult than anything I experienced in the corporate world. And that was before Nick was fired. |
| Thanks. I’m not sure I believe you but I appreciate the acknowledgment that being a mom is more than sitting around eating bonbons. |
I have always admired Black. She had been a driven career woman determined to climb the corporate ladder. So to hear her say that she thought my “job,” which was really my life, was more difficult than any of her corporate positions was pretty incredible. And right now I could use whatever encouragement I could get, so I held on to this thought. Although I did question its validity.
Chapter 9: I’m Too Busy To Make A List Of All The Things On My “To Do” List
Whether it’s because it’s the end of the school year, the beginning of the lazy days of summer, or you’re just determined to finally tackle those boxes full of memories, now is the perfect time to start. But first, you might want to read this “secret” to success – whether scrapbooking or any major project …
Red has always had a tendency (Black would say it’s her default setting) of becoming overwhelmed quickly, especially when presented with a project that she isn’t able to do in “one sitting”. And this was even before her crisis, when she had more time. Before she had to juggle being a mom to two young girls along with handling many new responsibilities, when something as simple as scrapbooking became a major task. And although scrapbooking’s as “warm and fuzzy” as it gets, Black gave her some pragmatic advice that not only calmed her down by making the project manageable, but included the girls.
P.S. – Red knows scrapbooking’s never done, but now, years later, the boxes of “new” items to be included are in the attic, and she’s not sure if working on them will give her a feeling of accomplishment or be bittersweet as her “little girls” have now grown into young women. Regardless, Red decided that when she has some pockets of time (whether over holidays or weekends or maybe whenever she needs a “break”), she’ll continue to eat that elephant that Black had given her the “recipe” to many years prior.
| OK. One of the things that has been on my list forever is working on the girls’ scrapbooks. |
| Scrapbooking? It is a big business and nothing to laugh at. But since I am not a scrapbooker (not sure that is even a real word), could you give me a little more detail? |
| When each of the girls was born, I started a scrapbook and included cards, pictures, and other mementos. I haven’t kept up with it, and now I have boxes of stuff. And still adding more. |
| It is no different than the initial mountains of paper in your workroom. Once you broke them down into smaller, more manageable piles, you were able to make progress. Can you start by sorting the stuff into Natasha vs. Sawyer piles? And then maybe grab a bunch of Ziploc bags and start dividing those two piles into months or holidays? |
| The boxes are probably close to being in reverse chronological order so it might be easier to sort them into months first, and then separate them into piles for each girl. |
| Whatever! The point I was making was if you break it down into more manageable pieces, it will not be so overwhelming. It is just another elephant. Plus, it sounds like it might be something you could do with the girls, although not as quickly as if you did it yourself. But it would allow you to spend time with them AND work on this task. Another good fit. An elephant picnic! |
| You and that stupid elephant analogy. I hate it when you make everything seem so obvious. |
| And I love it when you hate it! |
In reality, I love the elephant analogy. It’s such a wonderful visual! And a great reminder on how it’s possible to tackle and complete something that initially seems insurmountable. Take one bite at a time. And try not to put too much on my plate. Corny, yes. But also incredibly helpful!