Chapter 16: I Have Three Children If You Count My Husband
Even before Red's life was turned upside down, she wanted to be the best mom possible, so often wondered and worried about the best way to raise her girls. And when she was in the midst of her "crisis" (her word, not Black's), her daughters were very young – Sawyer was 1-1/2 years old and Natasha just under 5, although she'd proclaim, "I'm almost 5." (It's funny how "young" is subjective, as at the time Red considered them young but now "very young".) But as Red turned to Black for "answers" to everything, Black understood one of Red's top priorities was making sure that the girls weren't getting short-changed. Given Black doesn't have any children, Red was amazed to receive what she's referred to as "Some of the best parental advice. Ever." (Black just rolls her eyes.)
P.S. – Looking back, Red claims that Black's advice not only made all the difference at the time but over the years. Somehow, the simple concept of treating kids as "little people" (Black calls them "munchkins"), so with respect and honesty, trusting them with responsibility and giving them credit for understanding and doing the right thing, was the closest thing to a "magical approach" for Red (yes, growing up, she and the girls watched a lot of Disney) that she's ever found. And, surprisingly enough, has even helped her with managing "big people."
| Patience, grasshopper. You also have to remember that when I first started dating Larry, his girls were 7 and 9, so I skipped over the phase you are in. I had dated men with children, but none as young as Larry's, so I was not quite sure how to deal with them. So, I decided to treat them like little people. In fact, that is why I started calling them the "Munchkins," like the little people from The Wizard of Oz. |
| I always wondered about that. Were you the good witch or the bad witch? |
| Neither. I was probably more like the Mayor of Munchkin City. Since I was used to working in a corporate environment, I applied the same people skills. |
| You're kidding, right? |
Black
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| Not really. For example, anytime I was put in charge of a new department or hired new employees, I tried to be patient because I realized people need time to adjust to a new environment and/or new responsibilities. I did not expect them to "get it" immediately. I always tried to pose things as a request versus making a demand. And, I would ask them what they needed help with versus waiting for them to have a problem. I took the same approach with the Munchkins. |
| That makes a lot of sense. And what about when Larry and you decided to live together? |
| Same basic approach. Plus, by moving into a new house, it provided the perfect opportunity to establish ground rules. I even created a document called "Rules of the House." |
| You had a list of rules? I love it! Can I get a copy? |
| The point is not the list, but the concept. I figured they needed to know what was expected of them in our house versus what they might do in their mom's house or had done in their dad's house. The rules also provided consistency — they knew they would not change each weekend depending on my mood or memory. All the rules were reasonable. In fact, most were common sense. |
| Such as? |
| Flush after you use the toilet. Brush your teeth every morning and night. The piano can only be used with permission. |
| Those are rules in our house, too, but they seem simple enough that I wouldn't think you needed a formal document. |
| True. But, I knew employees basically wanted to please management, so I figured kids wanted to please their parents. I presented most of the rules as things to do — not things not to do. For example, instead of saying "no screaming in the house," I said, "loud screaming is to be done outside only." I looked at the rules as an opportunity for them to achieve and succeed, not as a set of restrictions. It also allowed me to teach them priorities. For example, homework had to be done first thing on Saturday, and there was no television or other activities until it was finished. |
| Now I'm starting to understand. And what happened if they broke any of the rules? |
| Initially, they were reminded of the rule and soon they all became habits, but I never focused on punishing them for breaking a rule. Quite the opposite — they earned their weekend allowance by following the rules. I always found it more effective, with the girls as well as employees and even Larry, to reinforce positive behavior rather than punish bad behavior. It can be as simple as a "thank you," complimenting them on their efforts, or maybe even reward a job well done. |
| For someone with no prior training, you seem to have caught on to the parenting job pretty well. |
| How difficult is it to be honest and upfront with people about expectations? And, explain what they need to do or not do? And, acknowledge their efforts? I hate to state the obvious, and I know there is a lot about being a parent that I do not have a clue about, but like I said earlier … children are just little people. |
Chapter 12: Desserts Spelled Backwards Is Stressed. And Vice Versa.
It’s a new year, and many (Red included) make resolutions to lose weight and exercise more. But Red knows that for moms, taking care of ourselves often falls by the wayside as we prioritize taking care of others. Over the years, Black has repeatedly pointed out to Red that self-care, including being heart-healthy, may seem selfish, but better positions her to be there for others when they need her. Although sometimes Black needs to remind her,
When it comes to taking care of yourself, I have two words for you … airplane analogy.
The last thing Red needed in the middle of her "crisis" (her husband being unexpectedly fired) was to get sick, but that's exactly what happened. (Is there ever a good time to get sick?) And although she had walking pneumonia, her instinct as a mom was to put the needs of others, especially her children, ahead of her own. Luckily, Black, being pragmatic and unemotional, knew the advice she was about to give her sister would initially seem counterintuitive, so included what she hoped would be a memorable analogy …
| You must be joking. Dr. Fields means well but doesn't understand that doing nothing is a luxury right now — not an option. |
| Well, "Wonder Woman," I think it is you that does not understand. It is not an option. It is a necessity. Let Nick handle things for a few days. Trust me, everyone will survive. |
| But there are so many things I need to do. Life doesn't stop just because I'm sick. |
| True. But the bottom line is that unless you take care of yourself, you will not be able to take care of your family. |
| I understand the logic, but it's difficult for me to just stop and crawl into bed, as much as that's what I want to do. I feel like I'm letting the family down. I'm not trying to sound like "Wonder Woman," I'm just being honest. |
| Let me give you an analogy. If you were on an airplane with the girls and you lost altitude and the oxygen masks came down, would you put the mask on yourself first or the girls? |
| I'm not sure I feel up to one of your stupid quizzes. |
| Humor me. Answer the question. |
| OK. They say that adults should put their mask on first and then help their children, though I must admit I have never understood that since my instinct as a mom is to help my child first. Did I pass or fail? |
| Airline one, Red zero. The airline knows it is in the best interest of the child for the adult to be safe and secure. If the adult is not stable and calm, then helping a scared, helpless child is going to be extremely difficult. |
| Great. The next time I'm on an airplane and the oxygen masks fall down, I'll remember this conversation. But what exactly is the point you're trying to make? Maybe it's the fever, but I don't understand. |
| If you do not take care of yourself and you get sicker, then you will be of no use to anyone. For now, that means following doctor's orders and taking a few days to rest. But even after you get over this, you need to start taking some time for yourself to make sure that you stay healthy – both physically and mentally – so that you can be there for everyone that needs you. Get off the computer and climb into bed. Now! EOM |
FYI, EOM = Black uses EOM to indicate "end of message" ... in this case, to tell Red they've come to the end and there's nothing more to be said.
Chapter 15: I Need A Warning System
| I know we first posted this excerpt earlier this year, but now seems the perfect time to repeat it. First of all, it’s always a good time to think of others, and never more so than right now – between natural disasters (Florida will be dealing with the aftermath of Hurricane Ian for a long time) and the holidays (including Giving Tuesday) being just around the corner. And, I have no doubt that if Black were here, she’d probably tell you about the science proving helping others is good for you. (And recommend the book “Wonder Drug: 7 Scientifically Proven Ways That Serving Others Is the Best Medicine for Yourself“ because I know she’s been buying it for people.) But Black’s not here, which is another reason to rerun this post. Although she might not appreciate me telling you she’s at The Make-A-Wish Foundation national conference in Orlando, Florida, as she prefers to keep her involvement “under the radar” as much as possible. (One exception was when she agreed to be MC at the recent dedication of the Make-A-Wish Teresa E. Andrepont building.) I know this might sound ironic as Black’s personality is neither shy nor unassuming, but when it comes to charity and her decades-long involvement with Make-A-Wish, Black doesn’t do it for the recognition … she does it for the Wish kids. |
Typically, when Red asked Black questions, she received questions in return. Or flippant comments. When Red asked her about charity, and specifically Make-A-Wish, she got straight answers, and that alone got Red’s attention. Before this conversation, Red thought her sister’s involvement with Make-A-Wish was very generous, both of her time and her money, but attributed much of it to the fact she had surpluses of both in her life. But once Black made her realize that her involvement went back to her corporate life, years when she might have had spare money but was working ridiculous hours, Red gained a new respect for Black’s commitment. But when Black said how it had become her “reality check” on life, Red began to understand that we all need something to help us remember what’s genuinely important.
P.S. – Charity and helping others remain an important part of our lives (and, much to the chagrin of our accountants and attorneys, drive much of our work in the education and criminal justice worlds). Black’s long-time commitment to Make-A-Wish set an example for Red’s daughters when they were growing up, and made them aware of how important it is to not only appreciate what you have but to think of others. And whether it’s an ongoing commitment to a single organization, helping various charities throughout the year, celebrating targeted donation days (such as #GivingTuesday or World Wish Day), or when specific natural disasters or humanitarian needs require immediate aid, charitable giving (whether money or time) – can make all the difference. Not only to the recipient, but as Black pointed out to Red all those years ago, for yourself.
| I’m curious about something, though. As children, we were never exposed to charity, so what got you involved with Make-A-Wish? Even Natasha has asked me about Make-A-Wish, because she has seen the kids’ artwork at your house and recognizes the logo from seeing it on your race car. |
red head
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| It was years ago. I was invited to play in a Make-A-Wish golf tournament, and at the dinner some of the kids came out and told their Wish stories. They mentioned their illnesses and the doctors and the hospitals in passing — as if it was just a minor detail in their stories. But when they talked about their wishes, it was with such excitement and pure happiness that it was overwhelming. A few weeks earlier, I had received a huge bonus at work and so I was feeling flush with cash, and when I saw the power of a wish — the hope, the joy, the strength it could provide — it made me look at money in a totally different way. When you meet children who are seriously ill and you realize no amount of money can “fix the problem,” but yet something as simple as wishing for a puppy or to meet a celebrity can make such a huge difference in their lives, then you are reminded of what is really important in life. And what is not. |
| Wow. I don’t think I have ever heard you this passionate about anything. |
| Probably not. Make-A-Wish has been an important part of my life for a long time. I know I am very fortunate in many respects, but sometimes I get wrapped up in day-to-day life and forget that. I may have problems with one of the cars, or I am annoyed with Larry, or it is just a bad day, Make-A-Wish reminds me that my problems or frustrations are minuscule in the scheme of things. |
| This is a side of you that I rarely see. I’m impressed. And proud. |
| Thanks, but Make-A-Wish does far more for me than I do for them. Partly as a substitute for not having children of my own, but more importantly as my reality check on life. It is my constant reminder of what is important. And although I may not be able to cure the kids, the fact I can make their lives a little better by helping grant wishes is the least — the very least — I can do in return. |
Chapter 18: Whine Or Lemonade? Your Choice
In the midst of Red’s financial crisis, when her focus seemed to be on every little penny, Black helped her look at money realistically and honestly (it only took Red 40+ years to do that). Black also made her see the need to be honest with yourself about what truly makes you happy. But the last thing Red ever expected was to learn that Black had paid for half a Ferrari engine without telling her (millionaire!) husband. Although she didn’t want to think about how much it cost, Red couldn’t help but wonder how important it must’ve been to her sister if she secretly paid for it herself. Especially given how “public” she was about her extensive (and expensive) handbag and shoe collections.
P.S. – Years later, Red still rolls her eyes when she thinks about the conversation. And even though she’s gotten over the shock, she still finds it sad that Black couldn’t talk about money with her husband. Especially because Black was the one that helped Red realize that whether you’re worth millions or living paycheck to paycheck, being able to have open, honest conversations about money is critical if you want a successful and happy partnership.
|
What
are you doing online? |
|
Checking
e-mails before dinner. And you? |
|
Same
same. |
| Can I ask you a question? |
|
You
just did. |
|
Cute.
You said you paid for half your engine yourself instead of having Larry pay for
all of it. I’m sure an engine is incredibly expensive, so that seems like an
awful lot of money to spend if you didn’t have to. |
|
Trying
to find out how much a Ferrari engine costs? Trust me; you do not want to know. |
|
No,
I’m trying to figure out why you spent your own money. Or at least why you
didn’t tell Larry you were paying for half of it yourself. |
|
Many
reasons, but it all boils down to the fact that Larry and I never really talk
about money. (Snide comments do not count.) In fact, when I decided to buy the
vintage Porsche race car, I told him about it once it was on the trailer
heading to Texas. But I quickly added that I had bought it with my own money. |
|
You
did? Why? It must have been expensive. |
|
It
was something I needed and wanted. Before you ask – the Porsche 356 is twitchy
so it teaches you car control. Plus the car is significantly less expensive to
run than the Ferrari, so “seat time” is much more cost effective. Anyway, I
knew Larry would pay for it if I said it would make me happy, but I felt guilty
having him buy me another race car. |
|
So
did the car make you happy? |
|
Trying
to trick me and get me to admit money can buy happiness? Money alone will not
make you happy, but it can allow you to do things which bring you pleasure. And
satisfaction. And fulfillment. |
|
Is
that how you rationalize your spending? And your racing? |
|
Interesting
questions. |
|
You’re
avoiding the questions. |
|
No, I am avoiding the answers. |
|
Fine.
So much for your “my life is an open book” attitude. |