Ask Red & Black

Help! I feel more like my kid’s chauffeur than parent.


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Oh, so many parents, myself included, can relate! Now that I’m an “empty nester” there’s a part of me that misses being needed for something as straightforward as being their personal chauffeur. Right now, it may seem like it’s never going to end, but it goes by so quickly. Trust me. At the time, it would often drive (pun intended) me crazy, and I’d think about all the “lost hours” driving my daughter to volleyball practices and tournaments. But now I miss that quiet time with her.

At the risk of sounding like I’m comparing myself to Svante Thunberg, father of world-known climate activist Greta Thunberg, I could relate on so many levels when he recently said now that Greta was a legal adult and he no longer has to chaperone her everywhere, he’s looking forward to getting back to his life and his job. But I guarantee he’ll miss spending that quality time with her.


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Not having children, I can only give you an “outsider’s” perspective. And, I know there are Uber-type transportation services for children, although without doing extensive research on them, I cannot say whether I would have felt comfortable with my nieces using them when they were younger. And, once Red’s youngest was old enough to drive, as were some of her friends, she often replaced time chauffeuring with time worrying.

Enjoy having that one-on-one car time with your children and look at it as an opportunity to talk with each other, although you may have to make the car a “no cell-phone” zone – but explain that is what you charge for chauffeuring service.

FULL QUESTION: Have your thoughts or opinions changed about January 6 (riot at the Capitol)?


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As a lover of history, I understand how the shock and impact of events fade over time. It’s just human nature. Which is why it’s important to have anniversaries to commemorate certain events that are so profound, so game-changing, so incomprehensible, that we must never forget them. In my lifetime, there were 9/11 and January 6, but I’ll admit to something that I know shocked Black.

When the question about January 6 came up, I didn’t immediately connect it to the attack on the Capitol. It wasn’t that I forgot the event or even the hearings. But I did forget the date. However, I’ll never forget the Capitol being overrun by rioters. I’ll never forget the extraordinary and horrific visuals. I’ll never forget being at my computer, working on Red & Black, when the first images began to appear, and it just kept getting worse and worse, seeming like something out of a movie or a third-world country. Not an actual event taking place in the United States. And even once civility was restored, it continued to get worse because, only months later, we saw never-before-released video in the 13-minute film prepared by the House impeachment managers. And new information continues to be released that shows the true horror and disturbing reality of what had happened.


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Today is the second anniversary of the January 6 violent storming of America’s Capitol, a dark and tragic moment in our country’s history. A day when America was stopped in its tracks as the unthinkable happened, and so disturbing and incomprehensible that the following day I wondered, “Did anyone else think of 9/11 yesterday?” And while “Hope In This Horrible Time” focused on the horror of 9/11, I believed that January 6 would be another example of how we, as a country, would come together.

Now, two years later, that clarity and feeling of hope are harder to embrace as it seems Americans, even with countless hours of videos, testimonies, interviews, and documentation, cannot even agree on what happened, who was responsible, and how do we prevent it from happening again. I can only hope we can find a way to come together … for the sake of our country. For the sake of democracy.

FULL QUESTION: I know it’s become a holiday tradition, but what do you think of “ugly sweaters”?


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Given I love comfy and casual sweaters and sweatshirts (and Black probably thinks they’re all ugly), your question made me realize I don’t have any holiday-themed ones. I’m not sure about the history of ugly sweaters or if they even existed when I was growing up, although you might argue that some of the holiday sweaters Andy Williams wore on his holiday TV specials met the definition. Regardless, I first remember seeing them when my girls were very young (that’s almost 20 years ago!), and while I know they’re supposed to be “ugly”, and some of them definitely are, I think many are just fun and festive.

Of course, I have to mention the ugly sweater scene from the first Bridget Jones movie when Renee Zellweger’s character goes to a holiday party at her parent’s house. After her mom “forces” her to change into a very unattractive (translation frumpy) Christmas dress, she sees the back of what seems to be a very attractive man, and then he turns around. It’s Colin Firth (who was known as a bit of a “heartthrob” at the time after appearing in the TV mini-series “Pride and Prejudice”), but her excitement turns to borderline disgust because, you guessed it, he’s wearing an ugly Christmas sweater. (As an aside, I thought both the sweater and Colin were rather cute.)


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What I find amazing is Red does not have a holiday sweater, and I do. And, although it could be described as “ugly” or “tacky”, I bought it because I found it most amusing. I heard about the company, Tipsy Elves shortly after its successful pitch on Shark Tank, and it got coverage in business publications. When I got on their website, I thought the “adult” red cardigan sweater with white snowflakes and deer was hilarious, as when you quickly looked at it, it was just an ugly sweater. However, if you looked more carefully, you would see the deer were, uh, mating.

I will not get into the business aspects of ugly sweaters, or how ugly sweater competitions and parties continue to grow the trend. But, at the risk of sounding warm and fuzzy (another thing you would expect of Red, not me), ugly sweaters remind us that the holidays are supposed to be festive and fun, and even though the sweaters may be ugly … they can remind us of the beauty of the season.


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If you had asked me this when my girls were young, since we celebrated both Chanukah and Christmas, I would’ve said, “Shop for lots of gifts.” Which, I found out the hard way, resulted in lots of credit card debt. The funny thing is, except for my immediate family, I give homemade baked goods to almost everyone else on my list. Black made me realize how important it was to plan and budget for the holidays, and I started buying things throughout the year and/or putting aside money. But, maybe more importantly, it also made me think about the “best” gifts to give my girls.

And I quickly realized it was the gift of time. I couldn’t help but think of the times I’d be busy and only give half my attention to the girls, promising to spend more time with them “later”. And “later” would never happen. So, I created “Day with Mom” gift certificates that were redeemable for a day to do what they wanted (within reason, of course). Surprisingly, actually shockingly, each chose simple things to do, and this special day of spending time together became one of their favorite gifts (and mine, too).


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I have a very short list. In terms of family, I always give my nieces gifts throughout the year versus feeling forced to find something during the holiday season, although I do give small “token” gifts and send Red rugelach from Zabar’s. (It is efficient as I am already on the website on Cyber Monday buying business gifts.) Of course, for some people I want to “thank” during the holiday season, cash is the best gift.

I recognize I am very fortunate, and charities (like Make-A-Wish) help me keep my life in perspective. I have an annual budget, and as situations arise throughout the year (unfortunately, given the increase in natural disasters, they occur all too frequently), I make charitable donations. But, I also realize that during the holiday season, many people are hungry and turn to food banks, so part of my holiday tradition is donating to the Houston Food Bank (part of Feeding America).