Ask Red & Black

My teenager's a slob and it’s driving me crazy ... and now they’re home for the summer. Help!

FULL QUESTION: My teenager's a slob and it's driving me crazy – their messy room, leaving dirty dishes all around the house, and the bathroom looking like a disaster area! And now they're home for the summer. Help!


Red's Head assets.rebelmouse.io


Moms everywhere know exactly what you're talking about! And although people told me not to worry, this phase will pass, that didn't make it any better while I was in the midst of it. (I wish I had understood why teenagers have messy rooms and what I could have done to manage it better.)The good news was I was able to set expectations (and help maintain them) for the common areas of the house, but dealing with their rooms was very different. Especially with my eldest daughter since nothing would work – not bribes, not threats, not rationale conversation. I tried all the tips and "tricks" without success, and eventually decided to stop nagging her because all it did was get me upset while she seemed perfectly content with the mess.

At that point, I realized my primary concern was that I'd ultimately need an exterminator and/or plumber (for those of you that have lived through this, you understand), so I'd periodically go in and selectively clean that which would create problems for the rest of us. The rest I left alone. Hey, if she wanted to wear smelly clothing or have a bathroom that should be declared a national emergency zone, so be it.

My younger daughter, in comparison, was so much better. And since she's more social and likes to have friends over, that has been the best thing to keep her room habitable by humans, as she'd never have them come into a pigsty.


Black's HeadBlack assets.rebelmouse.io


I do not have children, but there was a time I did have stepdaughters, and not knowing what else to do, I decided to treat them like I would new employees. I knew employees basically wanted to please management, so I figured kids wanted to please their parents. I created a "Rules of the House" document (small, basic, easy things) and presented most of them as things to do versus things not to do, and looked at the rules as an opportunity for them to achieve and succeed, not as a set of restrictions. I always found it more effective with employees, and then the girls (and even their father), to reinforce positive behavior rather than punish bad behavior. It can be as simple as a "thank you," complimenting them on their efforts, or maybe even reward a job well done. It seemed to work, and along the way, improved communications and helped us set priorities.


Red assets.rebelmouse.io


Absolutely! Even though I’m not Irish, although growing up, many people thought I was because of my red hair. Regardless, I’ve always looked forward to St. Patrick’s Day and celebrate it the same way I did growing up in New York – with corned beef, cabbage, and potatoes . It was one of my favorite dinners then, and it still is, and my daughters feel the same way. Neither one of them will be home this year, but I’ll still be cooking a big pot of it and savoring the leftovers for days.

Plus, and I’m sure Black will roll her eyes, I “dress up” our 5-foot standing stuffed bear that “lives” in the front hallway in his St. Patrick’s Day outfit. (Throughout the year, the bear’s outfit changes with each “significant” holiday – a family tradition that started when my girls were very young.)


Black assets.rebelmouse.io


Considering Red loves history, I am surprised that she did not mention the history behind St. Patrick’s Day or that St. Patrick, the patron saint of Ireland, was neither Irish nor a Saint. And, given Red's love of bagels, I am shocked she did not mention that our local bagel shop would always make green ones to celebrate the holiday.

How do I celebrate? I have always been a clotheshorse, so it is easy just to wear something green. Growing up, it was not that I was conforming to the tradition of wearing green so leprechauns could not see me; it was because many boys in school looked for any “legitimate” excuse to pinch girls, and I refused to give them that opportunity. Over the years, as I collected Hermes shawls (you can see them in the background in Selfish,Shallow … And Svelte?), I would grab one that had green and call it a day. St. Patrick’s Day.

You don’t have to be Irish to celebrate St. Patrick’s Day – whether with food and drink (does green beer taste different?), wearing green, thoughts of leprechauns and good luck, or just taking a few minutes to enjoy these Irish quotes.


Red assets.rebelmouse.io


Thanks for making me stop and think about this. I realized that on the days that when I’m out and I’m not feeling totally stressed or in a rush to do a million and one things, I find myself engaging in a little more conversation with people or, at the very least, taking that extra moment to connect. It might be someone that needs assistance, or merely the opening of a door. Or, I might make eye contact with someone in the grocery store, and make a passing, but kind, comment. Sometimes they “return” the kindness, but even if it’s just a smile that gets returned – it makes a difference to both of us.

So, having said all that, the reality is regardless how busy we may be, it only takes a moment to show a little kindness. And I’m going to try harder, even when I’m super busy or in a cranky mood (most days fall into one of those categories) to share simple acts of kindness. If nothing else, it just might put me in a better mood. And, ideally, it might get passed on.


Black assets.rebelmouse.io


I always say, “Red is the nice one.” And, by that I mean she always tries to behave in a pleasant or agreeable way, wanting people to like her (although there are days when she has exhausted her quota of “nice”). But, kindness is different. Kindness is doing something that is helpful to others. It can be contagious, and the benefits and ripple effects can be significant. However, instead of quoting research and statistics, I will share this simple, but powerful, video, “ Change The World With Kindness.”

P.S. Need some kindness ideas, click here. Or for some inspiring quotes, click here.


Red assets.rebelmouse.io


I can relate. When my husband got fired, Black made me total up all our credit card debt, and I broke down in tears. The funny thing is that before she’d help me deal with it, she insisted on giving me a history lesson on credit cards. And although I love history, initially, I fought her. But I’m so glad she ignored me! To this day, understanding that the origin of credit cards wasn’t a line of credit but instead a convenience (to be paid in full every month) has made a huge difference.

But that doesn’t answer your question. I think we all know how easy it is to rack up credit card debt, especially during the holidays. A holiday budget would’ve helped, but now you need a monthly budget to see where you can cut back and apply those “savings” to pay down your credit card bills. Without making this a math class (not my favorite subject), I just memorized that after paying the minimums, I should apply any “extra” money to the credit cards with the highest interest rates (APRs). There’s nothing I can do about the past, but I can start making better decisions today.


Black assets.rebelmouse.io


I appreciate that “misery loves company,” and recognizing that we all are susceptible to overspending (Nicholas Cage took it to the extreme) helps explain why in the last year, credit card debt has exploded.

I recently read that HBO star Issa Rae admitted that when she was a college student, she ran up lots of credit card debt, to the point it was “crippling” (her word, not mine). It reminded me of how shortly after getting my M.B.A. (in International Finance, so I had no excuse), I got in debt over my head. To the point where although I was making a great salary in a corporate job, I had to take a second job waitressing on weekends to pay down the debt.

Am I suggesting you get a second job? No. I am suggesting you look at the numbers and then decide how best to “attack” them (maybe even consider debt consolidation to lower the overall interest rate you are paying). Some people suggest paying off the lowest balances first, but that is a psychological approach. As Red will tell you, I am pragmatic and prefer to crunch the numbers, and come up with a realistic plan and set myself up for success.