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I hope you know that I immediately thought of you when I read that Axios article you sent me about keeping financial secrets from your spouse. |
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Why me? I sent it to you because the survey supports my position that people in serious relationships should exchange credit reports so that there are no surprises. Not to mention, they need to be open and honest about money. |
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Well, it reminded me of how you told me about lying to your husband when you blew your Ferrari engine. It was years ago, but I’ll never forget it. In fact, I still laugh and shake my head in amazement. |
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You really do need to get a life. |
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Admit it, there aren’t too many people that have “replace Ferrari engine” as a line item on their credit card bill or monthly budget. |
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Well, it was not a planned expenditure. Although when the engine blew on the
racetrack, I was prepared in terms of knowing where to safely pull over and quickly
exit the car. |
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Of course, you were. But, at what point did you decide to lie to your husband about the cost of the engine? I still don’t know how much that engine cost, but he could easily afford to replace it. He was already paying for you to race Ferraris. So, why did you choose to pay for half of it yourself? |
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Trust me, even half was a big number. And, the 360 Ferrari Challenge had one of the best V-8 engines they ever made. |
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You’re avoiding the question. |
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When we got married, he made sure to keep all our assets totally separate. He knew I had some money of my own, although nothing on the magnitude of his, so it was not like I was hiding money. My racing was already costing him so much, so I thought paying half was the least I could do. |
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But did you tell him that, or just lead him to believe that his “half” was the “full” amount? |
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What difference does it make? |
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Is there a reason you didn’t want him to know you were trying to be considerate? Especially because when I went through my crisis, you always talked about the importance of having open and honest communication, especially about money. |
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I still feel that way, but a conversation requires more than one person. Since I handled most of his money for him, including the interface with his wealth managers and tax accountants, he made it very clear there was nothing more to discuss. And, any time I tried to bring up the topic of money, he would cut me off and just say, “Everything’s great.” |
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Well, it was. At least financially. |
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Yes, if you only look at the numbers. But, we had very different attitudes toward money, and that was something he would not discuss. Many people, regardless of financial status, are not comfortable talking about money. |
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I know my natural tendency is to avoid what I perceive as difficult conversations, which definitely includes money, but surely not everyone feels the way I do. |
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Initially, did you avoid financial conversations because you felt intimidated and confused, or because you were trying to avoid conflict? |
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Back then, both. Now that I have a better understanding of money, it’s just an awkward topic. Especially since most people don’t talk, they argue, about it. |
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Or, keep secrets or avoid the topic entirely. Which may seem “helpful” in the short term but are not long-term solutions. |
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Says the woman who ultimately got divorced. So, tell me, if you had to do it over again, would you have handled the situation with the Ferrari engine any differently? |
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Hindsight should be 20-20. Looking back, there were probably things I could have done to avoid blowing the engine. |
It seems the pandemic has resulted in people “recycling” relationships from their past, and I have already admitted to doing that and then being “ghosted” (the relationship was doomed the first go-round and trying to resurrect it reminded me of why). Although on the surface it may seem rude, there are a few “legitimate” reasons for ghosting, some less obvious than others.
Looking back to decades of dating, a handful of engagements, and two failed marriages, I realized none of them started as friendships. I will also admit that very few started with sparks of passion (I know those fizzle out), but all were analyzed in terms of compatibility. Too bad I was not aware of research indicating the majority of romantic relationships begin as long-term friendships.
This story began as an impromptu business meeting when I asked to speak to the manager of a food franchise I frequented, thinking there might be an opportunity to create a joint marketing opportunity with Red & Black. There was no way to know the attractive man sitting toward the back of the store, who I noticed when I first walked in, would be the district manager.
Although we seemed to connect in terms of business and marketing, and exchanged contact information, nothing came of it. Yet I would occasionally think of him. Several years later, Red and I were invited to speak at the 2011 Texas Conference for Women, and when we ran into him in the exhibition hall, I explained how we mentioned his company in our presentations.
Starting then, and over the years, we would occasionally find small ways to work together. But, we could go months without any contact, and then would meet for drinks and talk business and life. For hours. Red would ask why I did not pursue more, and I would always have an answer … or maybe it was an excuse. At first, I did not want to mix business and pleasure. Later, I wondered if it was mutual but did not want to risk the friendship hoping for more.
This past fall, as we all started to venture back out post-pandemic, I invited him to my high-rise for drinks, which Red pointed out was a significant step as I never invited anyone to my home. (In the past decade, only one other non-platonic man had seen my place.) The feelings seemed mutual, as was the apprehension about risking the friendship. As we talked for hours, I realized that he knew me better than almost anyone.
And, we had our first kiss. And, a second date, where I admitted, much to his surprise, that although I was a planner, I was going to try and let this relationship (he called it “being an item”) evolve organically. It was a new approach for me as I always look 20 years down the road and work backward.
Life then interrupted. Abruptly. And, repeatedly. First, my mother passed. Then, he had to deal with multiple life events that happened one right after another. At first, we texted on a regular basis. And then, there was nothing.
It was as if we had fallen back into our old habit of getting busy and putting the other person on the back burner. Not out of our lives, but recognizing something else needed our immediate attention. And, although he was in my thoughts, I decided to let him deal with things in his own way, with just the occasional text to let him know I was here if he needed me. Because,
We will always be friends, but if you rearrange the letters of the word “item,” you get the word “time” … and if we ever are to truly become an “item”, the time must be right.
Overwhelmed by piles of paper? Well, if you’re like Red, longing for a perfectly clean desk, you might use filing cabinets or, at least, neatly stacked file folders. But a filing system that uses the floor of your workroom? And what happens when you run out of floor space?!
Curious about the “Back Story” to our animation teasers? Red’s daughter, Sawyer, told us we needed to do some very short animated “teasers” … so Black said, “Great. You want to work in video production. Take the final working versions of our animation and start creating them!” So, she did!
P.S. – For those of you who've met us or seen us at speaking engagements, we'd love to know if you think the animators have accurately captured us! (You can email us at Banter@RedandBlackBooks.com.)
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I know you're not talking about the incredibly popular
Friday the 13th horror
movies
, which, for the record, I'm not a fan of. Not because they scare me or I dislike all
the blood and gore, I'm just "old school" and prefer the classic horror movies like
Bela Lugosi as
Dracula
and Boris Karloff as Frankenstein. Although Mel Brook's "Young Frankenstein" is a hilarious "classic"
and one of my all-time favorite movies.
But I digress. I'm not superstitious, so I don't believe Friday the 13th is an unlucky day. Interestingly, our grandmother thought that the number 13 was very lucky, so Friday the 13th was a particularly good day for her. What I will say is that I've always been interested in parapsychology (keep in mind that I'm "older", so this was before all the TV shows about ghost sightings that now pose as "reality TV"), although I feel that I should draw a distinction between the scientific study of paranormal activity and a belief in superstitions. |
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Actually, there is
science and logic related to superstitions, and I can see how superstitions
can give people a feeling of being in control, which in turn helps them cope
with anxiety and uncertainty. Obviously,
it is a function of whether you believe something good will happen or something
bad, and ultimately it can become a
self-fulfilling prophecy. Friday
the 13th is a good example, as whether you think it is unlucky or
lucky, you will look for "supporting evidence."
(I find it neither, but was intrigued by how many times it happens each
year and other
interesting
facts
.)
That does not mean I do not believe in other superstitions, but I do not try to defend them. Sometimes it is a nice break from being pragmatic, and I figure there is little to lose and maybe something to gain. And I am not alone when it comes to superstitions – there are superstitious athletes, like Michael Jordan, who wore his North Carolina practice shorts under his NBA uniform for good luck, and even superstitious scientists. |