| I hope you know that I immediately thought of you when I read that Axios article you sent me about keeping financial secrets from your spouse. |
| Why me? I sent it to you because the survey supports my position that people in serious relationships should exchange credit reports so that there are no surprises. Not to mention, they need to be open and honest about money. |
| Well, it reminded me of how you told me about lying to your husband when you blew your Ferrari engine. It was years ago, but I’ll never forget it. In fact, I still laugh and shake my head in amazement. |
red head
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Black
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| You really do need to get a life. |
| Admit it, there aren’t too many people that have “replace Ferrari engine” as a line item on their credit card bill or monthly budget. |
|
Well, it was not a planned expenditure. Although when the engine blew on the
racetrack, I was prepared in terms of knowing where to safely pull over and quickly
exit the car. |
| Of course, you were. But, at what point did you decide to lie to your husband about the cost of the engine? I still don’t know how much that engine cost, but he could easily afford to replace it. He was already paying for you to race Ferraris. So, why did you choose to pay for half of it yourself? |
| Trust me, even half was a big number. And, the 360 Ferrari Challenge had one of the best V-8 engines they ever made. |
| You’re avoiding the question. |
| When we got married, he made sure to keep all our assets totally separate. He knew I had some money of my own, although nothing on the magnitude of his, so it was not like I was hiding money. My racing was already costing him so much, so I thought paying half was the least I could do. |
| But did you tell him that, or just lead him to believe that his “half” was the “full” amount? |
| What difference does it make? |
| Is there a reason you didn’t want him to know you were trying to be considerate? Especially because when I went through my crisis, you always talked about the importance of having open and honest communication, especially about money. |
| I still feel that way, but a conversation requires more than one person. Since I handled most of his money for him, including the interface with his wealth managers and tax accountants, he made it very clear there was nothing more to discuss. And, any time I tried to bring up the topic of money, he would cut me off and just say, “Everything’s great.” |
| Well, it was. At least financially. |
| Yes, if you only look at the numbers. But, we had very different attitudes toward money, and that was something he would not discuss. Many people, regardless of financial status, are not comfortable talking about money. |
| I know my natural tendency is to avoid what I perceive as difficult conversations, which definitely includes money, but surely not everyone feels the way I do. |
| Initially, did you avoid financial conversations because you felt intimidated and confused, or because you were trying to avoid conflict? |
| Back then, both. Now that I have a better understanding of money, it’s just an awkward topic. Especially since most people don’t talk, they argue, about it. |
| Or, keep secrets or avoid the topic entirely. Which may seem “helpful” in the short term but are not long-term solutions. |
| Says the woman who ultimately got divorced. So, tell me, if you had to do it over again, would you have handled the situation with the Ferrari engine any differently? |
| Hindsight should be 20-20. Looking back, there were probably things I could have done to avoid blowing the engine. |
WHERE DO I START?
The last thing Red wanted to think about when she was in the midst of her crisis was her long-term goals and purpose. Her dreams had just been shattered, and the future was a dark and distant blur. She was barely getting through the day. She’d worry about tomorrow tomorrow. But once things started to settle down, she decided she was ready to think about tomorrow, and the days after that.
HERE’S ONE THING …
Red, like most of us, plans by starting with today. Black encouraged Red to try a different approach. Why not start with the end in mind? Start with what you want your life to look like, and work backward. Black’s Backward Planning Worksheet helps you think about where you want to be rather than where you are now – so you can plan how to get there.
THERE’S SO MUCH MORE!
Having direction in your life will change the way you look at things. It’s the difference between just driving around and driving with purpose. Knowing there’s more than one road to your destination lets you step back and ask yourself, “Am I making good decisions today that keep me pointed in the right direction?” If you aren’t, you make changes. Because life is a journey, not a destination, we created THE BIG PICTURE.
WHERE DO I START?
When a crisis hits, it’s devastating. There’s no sugar-coating it. You ask yourself, why me? Why now? When it happened to Red, she felt like her whole life was collapsing. Her emotions were all over the place, jumping from fear to anger to sadness, mixed with feeling lost and alone. The more she thought about it, the worse it all seemed.
HERE’S ONE THING …
When something bad happens, we just want it to be a bad dream and wake up to how things used to be. We can’t change the past, but we can change our mindset to focus on what we can control. (Not sure you can? Check out Black’s A Control Freak’s Approach To Crisis Management – an amusing but thought-provoking multiple choice questionnaire.) When we do, we make situations better for ourselves and the people around us, as it gives us the focus and confidence we need to get through it.
THERE’S SO MUCH MORE!
We all react differently. What one person sees as a crisis may not be seen the same way by someone else, but that doesn’t make it any less of a crisis to the person experiencing it. The one constant is needing the confidence in yourself and the support of others (no one should face a crisis alone) to make it through to the other side. We created **IT HAPPENS in the hope it will help you, and the people you care about, get through a crisis.
Staying Real … On Social Media?