Chapter 7: My Husband Gets In Hot Water – I Want To Make Soup!
Are you a talker? Or do you prefer the written word? Are you the outspoken type or do you prefer quiet and will do almost anything to avoid conflict? Well, in the best of times, communication between spouses can be challenging. Throw in different communication preferences and it can seem almost impossible. In this excerpt, Red's in the midst of her crisis so communicating with her husband becomes even more critical than usual. And what does she do? She further complicates the situation by wanting to communicate differently than she usually does. Talk about a recipe for disaster!
P. S. – This excerpt's relevant whether or not you're going through a crisis. In fact, communicating with others in a method they prefer is not only extremely effective, but may be one of the "secrets" to good communication. Especially as you can use it in all aspects of your life – family, friends, and even in the workplace.
Sometimes I wish I could be more like Black in that she seems to get away with being blunt, almost to the point of being rude, and yet she can pull it off because it is totally "in character" for her. There's a consistency and sense of predictability in how she handles things. And maybe that was part of Nick's and my problem right now. We were acting out of character.
I wanted to fight and talk about things while Nick wanted to "retreat." And we really didn't know how to deal with the changes. Which made communication even more important. And challenging!
| Good morning. |
| Is it? Does that mean the love letter worked? Wink-wink. |
| Haven't written it yet, but I plan to. |
| Good. Remember when you came back to the States ready to divorce Nick? You were complaining that Nick did not communicate. |
| Yes. I think I know where this is going, but I hope I'm wrong. |
| Sounds like you remember the talking stuffed animals. |
| They didn't talk much, they wrote me letters. |
| Same difference. Nick communicated his feelings to you through letters "written" by stuffed animals. I remember specifically asking you if you really thought the animals had written to you. |
| Back then I thought it was cute and amusing, now it would piss me off because I want Nick, and not the stuffed animals, to talk to me. |
| As I explained then, and it is still relevant, it does not matter how you two actually communicate as long as you communicate. Letters from stuffed animals, e-mails, conversations … whatever works! |
| OK. I had forgotten how that conversation ended up being a turning point. It helped me understand how we could work together. Maybe I should prop up one of the stuffed animals with the Real Estate section of today's paper and a note "I don't want to live on the street!" |
| I might change the note to "I need a new home!" But otherwise … whatever works! |
I never had intended to tell Black about the letters from the stuffed animals, as I thought she would find it childish and immature. It just slipped out. Looking back, I understood they were the best way for Nick to express himself, yet maintain his "proper" appearance. I forgot the important role those letters played. It was as if I now needed to take a step backwards and remember things that helped in the past, before I made decisions about how to move forward.
Chapter 9: I’m Too Busy To Make A List Of All The Things On My “To Do” List
Whether it’s because it’s the end of the school year, the beginning of the lazy days of summer, or you’re just determined to finally tackle those boxes full of memories, now is the perfect time to start. But first, you might want to read this “secret” to success – whether scrapbooking or any major project …
Red has always had a tendency (Black would say it’s her default setting) of becoming overwhelmed quickly, especially when presented with a project that she isn’t able to do in “one sitting”. And this was even before her crisis, when she had more time. Before she had to juggle being a mom to two young girls along with handling many new responsibilities, when something as simple as scrapbooking became a major task. And although scrapbooking’s as “warm and fuzzy” as it gets, Black gave her some pragmatic advice that not only calmed her down by making the project manageable, but included the girls.
P.S. – Red knows scrapbooking’s never done, but now, years later, the boxes of “new” items to be included are in the attic, and she’s not sure if working on them will give her a feeling of accomplishment or be bittersweet as her “little girls” have now grown into young women. Regardless, Red decided that when she has some pockets of time (whether over holidays or weekends or maybe whenever she needs a “break”), she’ll continue to eat that elephant that Black had given her the “recipe” to many years prior.
| OK. One of the things that has been on my list forever is working on the girls’ scrapbooks. |
| Scrapbooking? It is a big business and nothing to laugh at. But since I am not a scrapbooker (not sure that is even a real word), could you give me a little more detail? |
red head
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Black
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| When each of the girls was born, I started a scrapbook and included cards, pictures, and other mementos. I haven’t kept up with it, and now I have boxes of stuff. And still adding more. |
| It is no different than the initial mountains of paper in your workroom. Once you broke them down into smaller, more manageable piles, you were able to make progress. Can you start by sorting the stuff into Natasha vs. Sawyer piles? And then maybe grab a bunch of Ziploc bags and start dividing those two piles into months or holidays? |
| The boxes are probably close to being in reverse chronological order so it might be easier to sort them into months first, and then separate them into piles for each girl. |
| Whatever! The point I was making was if you break it down into more manageable pieces, it will not be so overwhelming. It is just another elephant. Plus, it sounds like it might be something you could do with the girls, although not as quickly as if you did it yourself. But it would allow you to spend time with them AND work on this task. Another good fit. An elephant picnic! |
| You and that stupid elephant analogy. I hate it when you make everything seem so obvious. |
| And I love it when you hate it! |
In reality, I love the elephant analogy. It’s such a wonderful visual! And a great reminder on how it’s possible to tackle and complete something that initially seems insurmountable. Take one bite at a time. And try not to put too much on my plate. Corny, yes. But also incredibly helpful!
Chapter 18: Whine Or Lemonade? Your Choice
In the midst of Red’s crisis (her word, not Black’s), when she was finally learning about money (at the age of 40+!), she was shocked to discover that her sister, Black, secretly paid for half the cost of a Ferrari engine even though she was married to an extremely wealthy man. But for Red, what stood out the most in the conversation was Black explaining how, for her, racing is an analogy to life.
P.S. – At the time, Red just listened politely as she found it difficult, almost impossible, to equate how racing a Ferrari at speeds exceeding 150 miles an hour had anything to do with life. Especially as, back then, her “driving” experiences consisted of carpool lines, playing chauffeur for her daughters, and loading Labradoodles into her “Mom car” for trips to the vet. But today, Red will tell you how that analogy has stuck with her all these years and is probably one of the most powerful of Black’s many (seemingly endless?) racing analogies.
| … my overall spending is related to boredom. The money is filling a void … not making me happy. Yes — racing makes me happy. For many reasons. I have thought about it a lot in the last few weeks. The key is knowing why you are spending money and what you are getting in return. |
| And what have you figured out? |
| That racing is an analogy to life. |
| I can’t wait to hear this! Please go on. |
| When you race, you have to keep your eyes up and look down the track. You look way ahead in order to be prepared. There is not much you can do about the next corner because it is coming too quickly. It is a commitment you have already made. You see it in your peripheral vision, but you are focused on the things you can change. On the next lap, you focus on improving what you did last time. For example, if you screwed up a corner, you do something differently. You learn from your mistakes. |
| And when do you stop and smell the roses? And enjoy what you have? |
| Every time I climb in the race car. Every time I hit a perfect apex. Every time I improve my lap times. Every time I think about how fortunate I am to be able to race. |
| Pretty expensive roses! |
| Agree. But we can afford it, so it is not wasted money … unless, of course, I do something stupid and wreck the car. Which may explain why I am not faster. I never really put the car at risk. I guess I am trying to race cost-effectively. |
| Sorry, but there’s no way you’re going to get me to believe there’s a cost-effective way to race a Ferrari! So don’t even try. Go to dinner. |
Chapter 12: Desserts Spelled Backwards Is Stressed. And Vice Versa.
It’s a new year, and many (Red included) make resolutions to lose weight and exercise more. But Red knows that for moms, taking care of ourselves often falls by the wayside as we prioritize taking care of others. Over the years, Black has repeatedly pointed out to Red that self-care, including being heart-healthy, may seem selfish, but better positions her to be there for others when they need her. Although sometimes Black needs to remind her,
When it comes to taking care of yourself, I have two words for you … airplane analogy.
The last thing Red needed in the middle of her "crisis" (her husband being unexpectedly fired) was to get sick, but that's exactly what happened. (Is there ever a good time to get sick?) And although she had walking pneumonia, her instinct as a mom was to put the needs of others, especially her children, ahead of her own. Luckily, Black, being pragmatic and unemotional, knew the advice she was about to give her sister would initially seem counterintuitive, so included what she hoped would be a memorable analogy …
| You must be joking. Dr. Fields means well but doesn't understand that doing nothing is a luxury right now — not an option. |
| Well, "Wonder Woman," I think it is you that does not understand. It is not an option. It is a necessity. Let Nick handle things for a few days. Trust me, everyone will survive. |
| But there are so many things I need to do. Life doesn't stop just because I'm sick. |
| True. But the bottom line is that unless you take care of yourself, you will not be able to take care of your family. |
| I understand the logic, but it's difficult for me to just stop and crawl into bed, as much as that's what I want to do. I feel like I'm letting the family down. I'm not trying to sound like "Wonder Woman," I'm just being honest. |
| Let me give you an analogy. If you were on an airplane with the girls and you lost altitude and the oxygen masks came down, would you put the mask on yourself first or the girls? |
| I'm not sure I feel up to one of your stupid quizzes. |
| Humor me. Answer the question. |
| OK. They say that adults should put their mask on first and then help their children, though I must admit I have never understood that since my instinct as a mom is to help my child first. Did I pass or fail? |
| Airline one, Red zero. The airline knows it is in the best interest of the child for the adult to be safe and secure. If the adult is not stable and calm, then helping a scared, helpless child is going to be extremely difficult. |
| Great. The next time I'm on an airplane and the oxygen masks fall down, I'll remember this conversation. But what exactly is the point you're trying to make? Maybe it's the fever, but I don't understand. |
| If you do not take care of yourself and you get sicker, then you will be of no use to anyone. For now, that means following doctor's orders and taking a few days to rest. But even after you get over this, you need to start taking some time for yourself to make sure that you stay healthy – both physically and mentally – so that you can be there for everyone that needs you. Get off the computer and climb into bed. Now! EOM |
FYI, EOM = Black uses EOM to indicate "end of message" ... in this case, to tell Red they've come to the end and there's nothing more to be said.