Chapter 7: My Husband Gets In Hot Water – I Want To Make Soup!
Are you a talker? Or do you prefer the written word? Are you the outspoken type, or do you prefer quiet and will do almost anything to avoid conflict? Well, in the best of times, communication between spouses can be challenging. Throw in different communication preferences, and it can seem almost impossible. In this excerpt, Red's in the midst of her crisis, so communicating with her husband becomes even more critical than usual. And what does she do? She further complicates the situation by wanting to communicate differently than she usually does. Talk about a recipe for disaster!
P. S. – This excerpt is relevant whether or not you’re going through a crisis. In fact, communicating with others in a way they prefer isn’t only extremely effective but may be one of the “secrets” of good communication. Especially as you can use it in all aspects of your life — family, friends, school, and even in the workplace. Is there any place where you wouldn’t want to avoid unnecessary misunderstandings, stress, and conflict?
In fact, we have a short video on this topic that a high school student created from our presentation to his senior class. The message (or maybe it was the photo) resonated with him so much that he made the video.
Sometimes I wish I could be more like Black in that she seems to get away with being blunt, almost to the point of being rude, and yet she can pull it off because it is totally "in character" for her. There's a consistency and sense of predictability in how she handles things. And maybe that was part of Nick's and my problem right now. We were acting out of character.
I wanted to fight and talk about things while Nick wanted to "retreat." And we really didn't know how to deal with the changes. Which made communication even more important. And challenging!
| Good morning. |
| Is it? Does that mean the love letter worked? Wink-wink. |
| Haven't written it yet, but I plan to. |
| Good. Remember when you came back to the States ready to divorce Nick? You were complaining that Nick did not communicate. |
| Yes. I think I know where this is going, but I hope I'm wrong. |
| Sounds like you remember the talking stuffed animals. |
| They didn't talk much, they wrote me letters. |
| Same difference. Nick communicated his feelings to you through letters "written" by stuffed animals. I remember specifically asking you if you really thought the animals had written to you. |
| Back then I thought it was cute and amusing, now it would piss me off because I want Nick, and not the stuffed animals, to talk to me. |
| As I explained then, and it is still relevant, it does not matter how you two actually communicate as long as you communicate. Letters from stuffed animals, e-mails, conversations … whatever works! |
| OK. I had forgotten how that conversation ended up being a turning point. It helped me understand how we could work together. Maybe I should prop up one of the stuffed animals with the Real Estate section of today's paper and a note "I don't want to live on the street!" |
| I might change the note to "I need a new home!"But otherwise … whatever works! |
I never had intended to tell Black about the letters from the stuffed animals, as I thought she would find it childish and immature. It just slipped out. Looking back, I understood they were the best way for Nick to express himself, yet maintain his "proper" appearance. I forgot the important role those letters played. It was as if I now needed to take a step backwards and remember things that helped in the past, before I made decisions about how to move forward.
www.redandblackbanter.comChapter 9: I'm Too Busy To Make A List Of All The Things On My "To Do" List
“Once upon a time” is how fairy tales begin, but once upon a time in Red’s life, she had lots of things to do, but was able to fit everything into any given day. And her worst-case scenario? Something might slide, but it would still get done in a timely fashion. But when her husband got fired, her fairy-tale life ended, and she had to take on more day-to-day responsibilities, which meant Red soon began to run out of hours in the day, the week, the month. Luckily, Black’s advice about how to manage her time, though not an obvious “approach” until it was explained to her, made a huge difference.
P.S. – If Red thought she was busy when her husband got fired, she had no idea what busy was until years later, when she had to juggle being a single mom with being the warm and fuzzy half of Red & Black. Struggling with way too much to do and way too little time to do it in, and often feeling like she was getting nowhere fast. (Ever feel like this?) Black would describe it as “spinning your wheels,” and then suggest that Red reread this excerpt …
| I do have one question. What exactly did you mean by time management? I understand there's a limited amount of time in the day, but unless I give up sleeping altogether, I'm not sure how to find time to do everything on my lists. I'm already getting up at 5:00 a.m. (and this morning even earlier!) so that I have some quiet time before I start the "mom" thing. Any suggestions? And just this once, skip the smart-ass comments! |
| If I could tell you how to create more time in your day, I could make a fortune. There are countless books on time management, but I doubt you will find the time to read one, so I will tell you what works best for me. |
| Type faster. What's the secret? |
| There is no secret. The best you can hope for is to balance the demands of your "To Do" lists against the reality of how much time you have. |
| Great. Another"clear as mud" comment. |
| Not really. More like another "statement of the obvious" comment. First, I look at my calendar to see where I have appointments or "non-negotiable" demands on my time. This allows me to visualize where I have open blocks of time. I then review my high-priority tasks to determine what absolutely has to happen —whether on a specific day or sometime in the immediate future — and I get that planned. At that point, I have a pretty good feel for how much unclaimed time there is for me to try to tackle other things on my lists. |
| Makes sense. In the past, I best-guessed different tasks for different days, often just randomly assigning them. I definitely didn't plan my time, but that might have been because I didn't have as much that needed to get done. It sounds like I need to start thinking about what I have to do in light of what each day holds. Or at least as best as I can predict it. |
Chapter 16: I Have Three Children If You Count My Husband
Even before Red's life was turned upside down, she wanted to be the best mom possible, so often wondered and worried about the best way to raise her girls. And when she was in the midst of her "crisis" (her word, not Black's), her daughters were very young — Sawyer was 1-1/2 years old and Natasha just under 5, although she'd proclaim, "I'm almost 5." (It's funny how "young" is subjective, as at the time Red considered them young, but now "very young".) But as Red turned to Black for "answers" to everything, Black understood one of Red's top priorities was making sure that the girls weren't getting short-changed. Given Black doesn't have any children, Red was amazed to receive what she's referred to as "Some of the best parental advice. Ever." (Black just rolls her eyes.)
P.S. – Looking back, Red claims that Black's advice not only made all the difference at the time but over the years. Somehow, the simple concept of treating kids as "little people" (Black calls them "munchkins"), so with respect and honesty, trusting them with responsibility and giving them credit for understanding and doing the right thing, was the closest thing to a "magical approach" for Red (yes, growing up, she and the girls watched a lot of Disney) that she's ever found. And, surprisingly enough, has even helped her with managing "big people."
| Patience, grasshopper. You also have to remember that when I first started dating Larry, his girls were 7 and 9, so I skipped over the phase you are in. I had dated men with children, but none as young as Larry's, so I was not quite sure how to deal with them. So, I decided to treat them like little people. In fact, that is why I started calling them the "Munchkins," like the little people from The Wizard of Oz. |
| I always wondered about that. Were you the good witch or the bad witch? |
| Neither. I was probably more like the Mayor of Munchkin City. Since I was used to working in a corporate environment, I applied the same people skills. |
| You're kidding, right? |
Black assets.rebelmouse.io 
assets.rebelmouse.io | Not really. For example, anytime I was put in charge of a new department or hired new employees, I tried to be patient because I realized people need time to adjust to a new environment and/or new responsibilities. I did not expect them to "get it" immediately. I always tried to pose things as a request versus making a demand. And, I would ask them what they needed help with versus waiting for them to have a problem. I took the same approach with the Munchkins. |
| That makes a lot of sense. And what about when Larry and you decided to live together? |
| Same basic approach. Plus, by moving into a new house, it provided the perfect opportunity to establish ground rules. I even created a document called "Rules of the House." |
| You had a list of rules? I love it! Can I get a copy? |
| The point is not the list, but the concept. I figured they needed to know what was expected of them in our house versus what they might do in their mom's house or had done in their dad's house. The rules also provided consistency — they knew they would not change each weekend depending on my mood or memory. All the rules were reasonable. In fact, most were common sense. |
| Such as? |
| Flush after you use the toilet. Brush your teeth every morning and night. The piano can only be used with permission. |
| Those are rules in our house, too, but they seem simple enough that I wouldn't think you needed a formal document. |
| True. But, I knew employees basically wanted to please management, so I figured kids wanted to please their parents. I presented most of the rules as things to do — not things not to do. For example, instead of saying "no screaming in the house," I said, "loud screaming is to be done outside only." I looked at the rules as an opportunity for them to achieve and succeed, not as a set of restrictions. It also allowed me to teach them priorities. For example, homework had to be done first thing on Saturday, and there was no television or other activities until it was finished. |
| Now I'm starting to understand. And what happened if they broke any of the rules? |
| Initially, they were reminded of the rule and soon they all became habits, but I never focused on punishing them for breaking a rule. Quite the opposite — they earned their weekend allowance by following the rules. I always found it more effective, with the girls as well as employees and even Larry, to reinforce positive behavior rather than punish bad behavior. It can be as simple as a "thank you," complimenting them on their efforts, or maybe even rewarding a job well done. |
| For someone with no prior training, you seem to have caught on to the parenting job pretty well. |
| How difficult is it to be honest and upfront with people about expectations? And, explain what they need to do or not do? And, acknowledge their efforts? I hate to state the obvious, and I know there is a lot about being a parent that I do not have a clue about, but like I said earlier … children are just little people. |
Chapter 8: It's Time To Take Charge Of The Charge Cards
Red, the straight-A student who loves history, would normally love to engage in a conversation about history. But in the midst of her crisis, preoccupied with trying to deal with her family's financial situation, she didn't have the desire or see the point in getting a history lesson. And from her sister, no less, who hates history. But that should have been Red's first clue that it would be very pragmatic, highly relevant, and "instantly translatable" to her situation and daily life.
P.S. – Black's history lesson would change how Red looked at credit cards, not only then but to this day. And based on feedback from others — men and women of all ages, and even students — something as unexpected as understanding the original purpose of those little plastic cards can dramatically change one’s approach to how to use them. That lesson applies just as much to today’s digital payments, although we both still prefer doing it the old-fashioned way: pulling out an actual card because it acts as a physical reminder
| Quick call. I think it be might be helpful for you to understand the history of credit cards. |
| Whatever happened to "Hello?" I'm trying to come to grips with our own personal credit card history, and even that's more than I want to know. I don't think knowing the history of credit cards is going to help me deal with our personal dilemma. I'm not sure anything will help. |
| I know you feel overwhelmed, and I have no desire to continually look backward, but sometimes understanding history helps you. It did when we looked at the history of your spending habits. |
| It doesn't sound like you're going to drop this, so can you at least make it quick? |
| First, there were gas charge cards, which eventually led to general purpose charge cards, like American Express. Keep in mind these were charge cards, which meant they had to be paid in full every month. They were created as an alternative to having to go to a local Western Union office to wire for money, which is what people did instead of carrying large amounts of cash or trying to cash out-of-state checks. Then in the late 1950's Bank of America issued the first "credit" card — meaning they were extending credit to the cardholder — and initially promoted it to people traveling, in particular salesmen, who could not easily access their home banks. |
| That makes sense. I remember Mommy telling me how when she and Daddy traveled out West in the 1950s for three months, they had to use Western Union to cable Grandma and Grandpa for money on a regular basis. Now this is all very interesting and will be useful if I find myself on a game show, but what, pray tell, does this history lesson have to do with my credit card debt? |
| Patience, grasshopper! The point is credit cards were started as a business tool to save time and provide convenience. Credit cards were NOT initially designed as consumer debt or financial aid. |
| That may not have been the initial plan, but times have changed. Nick and I, and our mountain of credit card debt, are proof of that! |
| True. But if you returned to the original purpose of what credit cards were meant to be — a convenience so that you did not have to write lots of checks or have cash available all the time — you might find that you use your credit cards differently. Rather than looking at them as a line of credit or endless funds to buy things, you would start to view them as simply a convenience tool, nothing more. |
| You mean actually pay off what you spend each month? All the time? Do people do that? It's an interesting concept, though perhaps not very realistic, and an entirely new way of looking at credit cards. |
| Actually, it is a very old way. The original way. And, that is the point I am trying to make. Think about it. Mom and Daddy always paid their credit cards off every month, and even today, Mom only carries about four credit cards, if that many. I think it is important to remember the history — and true purpose — of credit cards. |
It was extremely annoying when Black was always right. Especially when I thought I finally had the better of her, and then, she proved me wrong. Understanding that credit cards weren't originally intended to be used as long-term debt makes a huge difference.
Don’t Expect A Compliment From A Sarcastic Sister — But Have A Comeback