Chapter 7: My Husband Gets In Hot Water – I Want To Make Soup!
Are you a talker? Or do you prefer the written word? Are you the outspoken type or do you prefer quiet and will do almost anything to avoid conflict? Well, in the best of times, communication between spouses can be challenging. Throw in different communication preferences and it can seem almost impossible. In this excerpt, Red's in the midst of her crisis so communicating with her husband becomes even more critical than usual. And what does she do? She further complicates the situation by wanting to communicate differently than she usually does. Talk about a recipe for disaster!
P. S. – This excerpt's relevant whether or not you're going through a crisis. In fact, communicating with others in a method they prefer is not only extremely effective, but may be one of the "secrets" to good communication. Especially as you can use it in all aspects of your life – family, friends, and even in the workplace.
Sometimes I wish I could be more like Black in that she seems to get away with being blunt, almost to the point of being rude, and yet she can pull it off because it is totally "in character" for her. There's a consistency and sense of predictability in how she handles things. And maybe that was part of Nick's and my problem right now. We were acting out of character.
I wanted to fight and talk about things while Nick wanted to "retreat." And we really didn't know how to deal with the changes. Which made communication even more important. And challenging!
| Good morning. |
| Is it? Does that mean the love letter worked? Wink-wink. |
| Haven't written it yet, but I plan to. |
| Good. Remember when you came back to the States ready to divorce Nick? You were complaining that Nick did not communicate. |
| Yes. I think I know where this is going, but I hope I'm wrong. |
| Sounds like you remember the talking stuffed animals. |
| They didn't talk much, they wrote me letters. |
| Same difference. Nick communicated his feelings to you through letters "written" by stuffed animals. I remember specifically asking you if you really thought the animals had written to you. |
| Back then I thought it was cute and amusing, now it would piss me off because I want Nick, and not the stuffed animals, to talk to me. |
| As I explained then, and it is still relevant, it does not matter how you two actually communicate as long as you communicate. Letters from stuffed animals, e-mails, conversations … whatever works! |
| OK. I had forgotten how that conversation ended up being a turning point. It helped me understand how we could work together. Maybe I should prop up one of the stuffed animals with the Real Estate section of today's paper and a note "I don't want to live on the street!" |
| I might change the note to "I need a new home!" But otherwise … whatever works! |
I never had intended to tell Black about the letters from the stuffed animals, as I thought she would find it childish and immature. It just slipped out. Looking back, I understood they were the best way for Nick to express himself, yet maintain his "proper" appearance. I forgot the important role those letters played. It was as if I now needed to take a step backwards and remember things that helped in the past, before I made decisions about how to move forward.
Chapter 10: So You Think Staying At Home Isn’t A Full-Time Job?
Being a mom, although wonderful, can be challenging … and Red has found that’s especially true during the “dog days” of summer (and is why she created this list of summer ideas), but she’s still amused by Black’s perspective on the “job” of being a mom …
Even before Red’s husband was fired, she had a lot on her plate. But, in reality, probably no more than any other mom, daughter, and wife, who are often (or should that be “usually”) at the center of everything, with their lives being a combination of chauffeur, referee, nurse, cook, friend, and an assortment of other “hats”. And while it can be very rewarding and gratifying knowing that so many people count on you, it can also be overwhelming, not to mention just plain stressful.
P.S. – Even today, Black’s perspective on being a full-time mom (as a stepmom, she considered herself a part-time mom, although she knew that was an important role) still makes Red smile. And while years ago she might have wished she was just a little less needed, now that her girls are older, it makes her a little sad and very nostalgic.
| Another early morning? |
| Yes! Now that I did the Sunday night review, I can see how you wake up on Monday mornings ready to tackle the week. Except today is Presidents’ Day and so Natasha’s home from school. |
| Anything special planned? |
| Why do I have to have something special planned? In fact, why do I have to be the one who does all the planning? |
| Sorry I asked … |
Black
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| Sorry I’m the one who’s always in charge. Yesterday Mommy called hinting about me driving the girls up to The Woodlands to see her. Last night Natasha was bugging me about plans for today. And at bedtime, Nick was muttering something about looking at TVs for the new house, as if we could afford them. |
| Sounds like you have several options for the day. I do not understand the problem. |
| You wouldn’t. You’re not a mom, or at least not a full-time mom. It seems like everyone wants a piece of me — the kids, Nick, Mom. Sometimes I feel like I don’t have a second to think, or even go to the bathroom, without someone interrupting me. |
| That’s because when you said, “I do,” it was short for “I do everything!” |
| You may find that amusing, but I don’t. Everyone needs me to do something. And they want it done on demand. |
| Look on the bright side — at least you know you are needed. |
| That’s what Mom said yesterday, but she said it looking for sympathy. The “woe is me — no one needs me” speech. I tried explaining that it wasn’t the being needed — it was the being needed for every little thing. |
| So when you say it, you are NOT looking for sympathy? |
| That’s different. I’m just venting. And only to you. |
| Thanks for making me feel needed. Being needed is the ultimate in job security. |
| Great. So I guess that means there’s no chance I’ll get fired. |
| Highly unlikely. You chose a career path with great job security but awful hours. Not to mention your job is far more difficult than anything I experienced in the corporate world. And that was before Nick was fired. |
| Thanks. I’m not sure I believe you but I appreciate the acknowledgment that being a mom is more than sitting around eating bonbons. |
I have always admired Black. She had been a driven career woman determined to climb the corporate ladder. So to hear her say that she thought my “job,” which was really my life, was more difficult than any of her corporate positions was pretty incredible. And right now I could use whatever encouragement I could get, so I held on to this thought. Although I did question its validity.
Chapter 9: I’m Too Busy To Make A List Of All The Things On My “To Do” List
Whether it’s because it’s the end of the school year, the beginning of the lazy days of summer, or you’re just determined to finally tackle those boxes full of memories, now is the perfect time to start. But first, you might want to read this “secret” to success – whether scrapbooking or any major project …
Red has always had a tendency (Black would say it’s her default setting) of becoming overwhelmed quickly, especially when presented with a project that she isn’t able to do in “one sitting”. And this was even before her crisis, when she had more time. Before she had to juggle being a mom to two young girls along with handling many new responsibilities, when something as simple as scrapbooking became a major task. And although scrapbooking’s as “warm and fuzzy” as it gets, Black gave her some pragmatic advice that not only calmed her down by making the project manageable, but included the girls.
P.S. – Red knows scrapbooking’s never done, but now, years later, the boxes of “new” items to be included are in the attic, and she’s not sure if working on them will give her a feeling of accomplishment or be bittersweet as her “little girls” have now grown into young women. Regardless, Red decided that when she has some pockets of time (whether over holidays or weekends or maybe whenever she needs a “break”), she’ll continue to eat that elephant that Black had given her the “recipe” to many years prior.
| OK. One of the things that has been on my list forever is working on the girls’ scrapbooks. |
| Scrapbooking? It is a big business and nothing to laugh at. But since I am not a scrapbooker (not sure that is even a real word), could you give me a little more detail? |
| When each of the girls was born, I started a scrapbook and included cards, pictures, and other mementos. I haven’t kept up with it, and now I have boxes of stuff. And still adding more. |
| It is no different than the initial mountains of paper in your workroom. Once you broke them down into smaller, more manageable piles, you were able to make progress. Can you start by sorting the stuff into Natasha vs. Sawyer piles? And then maybe grab a bunch of Ziploc bags and start dividing those two piles into months or holidays? |
| The boxes are probably close to being in reverse chronological order so it might be easier to sort them into months first, and then separate them into piles for each girl. |
| Whatever! The point I was making was if you break it down into more manageable pieces, it will not be so overwhelming. It is just another elephant. Plus, it sounds like it might be something you could do with the girls, although not as quickly as if you did it yourself. But it would allow you to spend time with them AND work on this task. Another good fit. An elephant picnic! |
| You and that stupid elephant analogy. I hate it when you make everything seem so obvious. |
| And I love it when you hate it! |
In reality, I love the elephant analogy. It’s such a wonderful visual! And a great reminder on how it’s possible to tackle and complete something that initially seems insurmountable. Take one bite at a time. And try not to put too much on my plate. Corny, yes. But also incredibly helpful!
Chapter 18: Whine Or Lemonade? Your Choice
In the midst of Red’s crisis (her word, not Black’s), when she was finally learning about money (at the age of 40+!), she was shocked to discover that her sister, Black, secretly paid for half the cost of a Ferrari engine even though she was married to an extremely wealthy man. But for Red, what stood out the most in the conversation was Black explaining how, for her, racing is an analogy to life.
P.S. – At the time, Red just listened politely as she found it difficult, almost impossible, to equate how racing a Ferrari at speeds exceeding 150 miles an hour had anything to do with life. Especially as, back then, her “driving” experiences consisted of carpool lines, playing chauffeur for her daughters, and loading Labradoodles into her “Mom car” for trips to the vet. But today, Red will tell you how that analogy has stuck with her all these years and is probably one of the most powerful of Black’s many (seemingly endless?) racing analogies.
| … my overall spending is related to boredom. The money is filling a void … not making me happy. Yes — racing makes me happy. For many reasons. I have thought about it a lot in the last few weeks. The key is knowing why you are spending money and what you are getting in return. |
| And what have you figured out? |
| That racing is an analogy to life. |
| I can’t wait to hear this! Please go on. |
| When you race, you have to keep your eyes up and look down the track. You look way ahead in order to be prepared. There is not much you can do about the next corner because it is coming too quickly. It is a commitment you have already made. You see it in your peripheral vision, but you are focused on the things you can change. On the next lap, you focus on improving what you did last time. For example, if you screwed up a corner, you do something differently. You learn from your mistakes. |
| And when do you stop and smell the roses? And enjoy what you have? |
| Every time I climb in the race car. Every time I hit a perfect apex. Every time I improve my lap times. Every time I think about how fortunate I am to be able to race. |
| Pretty expensive roses! |
| Agree. But we can afford it, so it is not wasted money … unless, of course, I do something stupid and wreck the car. Which may explain why I am not faster. I never really put the car at risk. I guess I am trying to race cost-effectively. |
| Sorry, but there’s no way you’re going to get me to believe there’s a cost-effective way to race a Ferrari! So don’t even try. Go to dinner. |