This question applies in terms of husbands, wives, significant others … in other words, all couples.
As crazy as it sounds, at least you're talking about
money! When my husband was unexpectedly
fired (what I refer to as "my crisis"), I was over 40 and had never learned about money.
Which explains why I was scared to death of personal
finance and just wanted to keep my ostrich head in the sand. Unfortunately, my husband seemed as clueless
as I was about our financial situation, so I had to turn to Black for help.
As I started to learn more about our finances, I wanted to have a conversation with him to talk things through and jointly develop a plan. Although I was angry about our situation, I knew yelling at him wouldn't help (as tempting as that might have been). Plus, I realized that I tend to be very emotional (that's an understatement) and, as a Brit, he was very reserved and didn't talk about "important" things. Not a good combination.
So, what did I do? I made a wonderful dinner, and we were finally relaxing and talking, just not about money. Until I brought it up. And he got really mad. As in banging dishes and slamming cupboards. I then stormed off, and when I told Black about it, she had to point out that a big part of talking is timing.
|Besides timing (and blindsiding, even if unintentional, is
never a good idea), it is critical to consider HOW you communicate. Using Red's situation as an example, it was
already a difficult time, and she wanted to talk about money. A subject that, in the best of times, is not
easy to talk about, plus something they had never talked about before. And, she wanted a face-to-face conversation, something
he might see as more of a confrontation. It was a disaster waiting to happen. Of course, I cannot resist mentioning that years
ago when they were living in Shanghai and having relationship issues, they used
stuffed animals to
communicate. (You cannot make
this stuff up.) Sometimes you need to
find other methods of communicating.
In terms of your situation, I am not the expert but have learned there are many reasons why couples fight about money, and there are many ways to stop. In my personal experience, it comes down to communication. Both talking and listening – but genuinely listening, not just preparing a rebuttal argument. When it comes to money, there usually is not a "right" and "wrong" – only different attitudes. So, maybe the first step is to let your husband know that even though you both may not always see eye-to-eye, you still want to find a way to work together.
I know you're not talking about the incredibly popular
Friday the 13th horror
, which, for the record, I'm not a fan of. Not because they scare me or I dislike all
the blood and gore, I'm just "old school" and prefer the classic horror movies like
Bela Lugosi as
and Boris Karloff as Frankenstein. Although Mel Brook's "Young Frankenstein" is a hilarious "classic"
and one of my all-time favorite movies.
But I digress. I'm not superstitious, so I don't believe Friday the 13th is an unlucky day. Interestingly, our grandmother thought that the number 13 was very lucky, so Friday the 13th was a particularly good day for her. What I will say is that I've always been interested in parapsychology (keep in mind that I'm "older", so this was before all the TV shows about ghost sightings that now pose as "reality TV"), although I feel that I should draw a distinction between the scientific study of paranormal activity and a belief in superstitions.
Actually, there is
science and logic related to superstitions, and I can see how superstitions
can give people a feeling of being in control, which in turn helps them cope
with anxiety and uncertainty. Obviously,
it is a function of whether you believe something good will happen or something
bad, and ultimately it can become a
self-fulfilling prophecy. Friday
the 13th is a good example, as whether you think it is unlucky or
lucky, you will look for "supporting evidence."
(I find it neither, but was intrigued by how many times it happens each
year and other
That does not mean I do not believe in other superstitions, but I do not try to defend them. Sometimes it is a nice break from being pragmatic, and I figure there is little to lose and maybe something to gain. And I am not alone when it comes to superstitions – there are superstitious athletes, like Michael Jordan, who wore his North Carolina practice shorts under his NBA uniform for good luck, and even superstitious scientists.
I admit I‘d
never heard of The Make-A-Wish
Foundation before I was almost 40 (I lived abroad until then), and it
was Black’s involvement with this life-changing organization that led me to
learn about it. Growing up, charity
wasn’t a big part of our life, although I learned decades later that my
grandmother was involved in Fight
Once I was living in the same city as Black, I could see how important Make-A-Wish was to her (there was Wish kids’ artwork in her house and logos on her racecar). I also saw how it makes such a difference in the lives of children suffering from life-threatening illnesses. And how the power of a wish impacts not only the Wish kid but their families and even strangers, as so many of the wishes bring together neighbors and communities. But the best part may have been as I watched as my daughters learned about charity and became involved by having lemonade sales with all proceeds going to our local Make-A-Wish chapter (find your local chapter).
I have been involved with Make-A-Wish for decades and have
seen firsthand how it has touched
so many lives, starting with Tommy Austin, who granted the first wish in 1980. However, it has done more for me than I can
ever do for it. As once you see the hope,
joy, and optimism of a Wish child waging a courageous battle, you want to help in whatever way you can
(donate, volunteer, fundraise). It
reminds me that my problems or frustrations are minuscule in the scheme of things. It is my “reality check” on life.
And, although once a year we celebrate World Wish Day (April 29 to mark the anniversary of the first wish), every day is the perfect day to celebrate the power of a wish and the ripple effect it creates.
So, what better day than today to make a difference by making a donation?!
I have to
laugh because I’ve had to overcome my mental roadblocks (and natural tendency
to freak out) when it comes to personal
finance and technology,
so I can’t imagine combining the two concepts. However, I know it’s the terminology (and my resistance to change) that creates a lot of my problems. |
When it comes to financial apps, I don’t know much about them because I don’t use them. I’m old-fashioned and still use Microsoft Money (which I don’t even think is made anymore) to print my checks and a calculator, paper, and pens (Black’s probably rolling her eyes that I don’t at least use pencils and erasers) to do everything else. My daughters (ages 19 and 23) use Excel spreadsheets for their budgets, which I find interesting as although they’ve grown up with smartphones, neither one uses financial apps.
Similar to list-making, where I explained to Red that it does
not matter whether you use pencils
or a computer (or, in this case, an app), it is the thought process, not
the method, that is critical. The fact
you are interested in managing
your finances is an important first step, and if you WANT an app because
you think it will provide better motivation and give you more insight, great,
but you do not NEED it. Remember, only
you can decide whether to make an expenditure, and the difference between a “need”
and a “want” (although an app may prompt that question) as they are different
for everyone. (FYI, I do not use an app
as I refuse to give anyone online access to my financial accounts.)
Different apps have different features and functionality (such as tracking where your money is going, budgeting, paying bills, paying off debt, investments, etc.). And, they come with different price tags (apps from banks are typically free, but if you change banks, your financial history probably will not transfer), which are usually quoted on a monthly basis with the intent of making it look cheaper, but you need to consider the annual cost. If you are not sure exactly what you want, maybe start with a free version to “test drive” it and then decide if you want to upgrade (or do it without an app.)