| Well, at least you're talking about money! When my husband was unexpectedly fired (what I refer to as "my crisis"), I was over 40 and had never learned about money. Which explains why I was scared to death of personal finance and just wanted to keep my ostrich head in the sand. Unfortunately, my husband seemed as clueless as I was about our financial situation, so I had to turn to Black for help. As I started to learn more about our finances, I wanted to have a conversation with him to talk things through and jointly develop a plan. Although I was angry about our situation, I knew yelling at him wouldn't help (as tempting as that might have been). Plus, I realized that I tend to be very emotional (that's an understatement), and, as a Brit, he was very reserved and didn't talk about "important" things. Not a good combination. So, what did I do? I made a wonderful dinner, and we were finally relaxing and talking, just not about money. Until I brought it up. And he got really mad. As in banging dishes and slamming cupboard doors. I then stormed off, and when I told Black about it, she had to point out that a big part of talking is timing. |
| Besides timing (and blindsiding, even if unintentional, is never a good idea), it is critical to consider HOW you communicate. Using Red's situation as an example, it was already a difficult time, and she wanted to talk about money. A subject that, in the best of times, is not easy to talk about, plus something they had never talked about before. And, she wanted a face-to-face conversation, something he might see as more of a confrontation. It was a disaster waiting to happen. Of course, I cannot resist mentioning that years ago, when they were living in Shanghai and having relationship issues, they used stuffed animals to communicate. (You cannot make this stuff up.) Sometimes you need to find other ways to communicate. In terms of your situation, I am not an expert, but have learned there are many reasons why couples fight about money, and based on my personal experience, it comes down to communication. Both talking and listening — but genuinely listening, not just preparing a rebuttal argument. When it comes to money, there usually is not a "right" and "wrong" — only different attitudes. So, maybe the first step is to let your husband know that even though you may not always see eye to eye, you still want to find a way to work together. Talk about the best way to have a productive conversation before you start talking about the topic. |
Image on screen is from "What I Learned About Life When My Husband Got Fired!"
| Oh, there are more days than I'd care to admit that I'd be grateful if it were just my desk that had too much paper on it, as I've been known to use my floor as a filing system. Really! And I've been known to complain about feeling like I'm drowning in paper on way more than one occasion. So, what do I do? Well, after kicking myself for letting things (once again) get out of hand instead of keeping on top of the paper clutter, I take a deep breath and remember the advice that Black gave me years ago. And although I initially resisted following her advice, once I gave in, I found it was the perfect (and easiest) way to turn mountains of paper into manageable stacks. But since it's her "system", I'll let her explain it to you. |
| All those words and Red provided only empathy — but no real advice. However, she raises a good point in that paper will always accumulate, and we should strive to keep it from getting out of control … versus trying to control it "perfectly". Now, in terms of the advice I gave Red, our accountants would suggest I refer you to our book, but I hate when people do that. Instead, we put the relevant excerpt on this site: Too Much Paper — Not Enough Time. But, here is a short version ("short" in terms of explanation, not the time it will take to make the piles shrink): take a handful of papers and begin sorting them into piles based on priority — immediate, this week, next week, next month, next lifetime. You will quickly realize that the majority of the items will be very low priority, such as reading, filing, or shredding. And, separating out the highest-priority items will not only help you focus on them, but will also reduce the stress of wondering if there is something important you are forgetting to do. |
| As an ostrich by nature, I guess sticking my head in the sand wouldn’t be the answer you’re looking for. Although, ironically, I find the less news I watch, the better. But a “trick” I learned as a teenager (when I was a kid, I thought it was a punishment) is taking a nap, even if it’s only for 15 minutes. Sometimes just lying down, even when I’m not tired, lets my batteries recharge. Other times, when I have a lot going on in my head, I find a nap or a short walk, which gives me the added benefit of a little exercise, gives me a few minutes of calm. Periodically, I tell Black that I’m going to try to get away for a few days or even have a “staycation”, where the objective is to do nothing, but it never seems to happen. Of course, anyone who knows me knows that movies are my great escape. And, yes, it’s because I love the popcorn. But there’s something about getting lost in what’s on the screen and forgetting the craziness of everyday life. Even if that means my theater degree sometimes kicks in, and I’m analyzing the movie instead of enjoying it at face value. |
| Asking a workaholic how to relax or escape may seem like an oxymoron, but if you will accept a “do as I say, not as I do” moment, I would suggest trying to find balance. Of course, I have a car analogy — a traffic light. My escape, though, is through exercise. However, I sometimes retreat to my hammock, which may seem strange for a workaholic living in a high-rise. I was intrigued by the company (Yellow Leaf), their SharkTank negotiations, and their backstory of empowering women by creating jobs that ultimately transform families. So, when I noticed they had a “Hammock Throne” (that is the actual name) that would fit in a corner of my balcony, I ordered it. Little did I know it would become a wonderful way to relax and a great escape (ok, I admit I use it to do business reading). |
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