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I still can’t believe that “gaslighting” is Merriam-Webster’s 2022’s Word of the Year. But it does remind me of the 1944 movie “Gaslight” with Ingrid Bergman. Although I watched it on TV decades later, it was probably the first psychological thriller I ever saw, and it didn’t surprise me it won Oscars for Best Picture and Best Actress that year. |
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Actually, it started with the 1938 play “Gas Light,” which became a 1940 British film titled “Gaslight” (one word), and four years later, MGM made the version you remember with Charles Boyer as the husband. All with the same plot – a man trying to make his wife believe that she is going insane by insisting the house’s gas lights are not dimming, although they are, making her question her sanity. |
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I’m the movie buff, not you! So, why would you know all this? Are you going to try to convince me that you’ve become interested in old movies? |
red head
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Black
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There are many things I might be able to mislead you on, “gaslight” if you will, but that is not one of them. Years ago, when I first heard the phrase “gaslight,” I was curious about its meaning and origins. |
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Well, all I know is the movie took place in England during the late 1800s before electricity was used in houses, and London was known for its incredible fog, which lent an extra layer of “creepiness” to everything. But what I found so “scary” about the plot was that it started as something mundane and seemingly plausible but, over time, almost drove the wife over the edge. |
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That is how gaslighting works. In that instance, the “victim” was intentionally and systematically given false information by her husband, someone she trusted, so he could discredit her. But, whether in movies or real life, it is used to control people – emotionally, financially, physically. And, as we have seen, even politically. Think about all the misinformation out there, especially on social media. |
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When you stop and look at it that way, it’s even scarier. And it’s not only incredibly effective but also dangerous. I understand the huge political ramifications but have also seen how, on a personal front, it can subtly undermine you. And relationships. |
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Is there something you are trying to tell me? |
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I just found it a coincidence that “gaslighting” was named word of the year, as I’ve been using it with someone who often tries to “gaslight” me. It’s nothing serious, just annoying. No, make that very annoying. At first, I thought it was an amusing game or even an “excuse” for either forgetting something or not listening in the first place. |
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At first? What about now? |
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Sometimes I can’t help but wonder if it’s more, although I might be giving the other person too much credit. It’s one thing to cover your tracks or deflect blame, but what if it’s something more, well, sinister? |
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I started to say, “Now, your theater degree is showing,” but gaslighting can be difficult to recognize. And, especially in personal relationships, where it can be abusive. When I was married to Larry, and since he drank every night, I could easily claim I told him something, and he would not remember whether I did or not. But, trying to make someone question their sanity or judgment is very different. |
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Exactly. And did you really do that? Anyway, I didn’t realize the many aspects of gaslighting. Or how serious a problem it is. |
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It does not get enough attention in terms of mental health, but the concept seems to be almost a daily occurrence in the news, and especially politics. |
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And if the mere existence of gaslighting isn’t scary enough, even standing up to it doesn’t always work. I doubt you watched it, but the limited series “Gaslit” was about Martha Mitchell and Watergate. She was an early whistleblower but was ridiculed by people, including her husband, in an attempt to discredit her. |
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It is an extreme example of gaslighting – on both a political and personal level. And, went so far as to involve medical professionals who diagnosed her accurate perceptions of real events as delusional (now known as the “Martha Mitchell Effect”). |
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Talk about a living nightmare. |
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Which makes you wonder ... are you better off letting gaslighting continue, even if you do not believe it, or adamantly refusing to accept it? |
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Seriously? Or are you gaslighting me? |
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Good question. |
Photo by chameleoneye for iStock
Tonight is the first night of Chanukah (FYI, there are multiple "correct" spellings), and while Red may be celebrating the Festival of Lights with potato latkes (pancakes), when she lights the menorah to symbolize bringing light into darkness, she’ll be laughing at Black’s car analogy …
| At the risk of Black coming up with another potato analogy, for me, Chanukah's all about potato latkes. The childhood memories of our dad grating pounds and pounds of potatoes to the point where I'm not sure I could see our kitchen table, many decades later, my eldest daughter taste-testing latkes from an assortment of places. (I love to cook, but latkes are a lot of work.) Of course, the lighting of the menorah is also such a special part of the holiday celebration, whether the electric menorah that my parents had where you would "twist" each light bulb as the nights progressed or the more traditional menorah with candles that my daughters and I light each year (and never leave unattended). |
| I never cease to be amazed by the miracle of Chanukah (regardless of whether you spell it Chanukah or Hanukkah, or some other variation) and how the oil that was only supposed to last one day instead lasted for eight days. It is as if your cellphone indicated it is at 12% but lasts eight days. Or, if the gas gauge in your car indicates you have 25 miles left, but you are able to drive 200 miles. Sometimes things happen that defy logic, and that is where faith takes over. And, a belief in something bigger than all of us. |
Tomorrow is the start of Chanukah, the Festival of Lights, which celebrates hope and miracles – and who could not use hope and miracles?
Happy Chanukah!
Every year on #GivingTuesday, Red tells Black that she knows how important giving is – whether time or money – but, unlike Black, she doesn’t have a meaningful charity that’s been part of her life for decades. We often “repeat” the conversation below, but this year, Black suggested that Red use #GivingTuesday to think about what charity inspires her or holds special meaning, and then get involved. Making it personal often ends up making it a year-round passion rather than a one-off obligation.
But no matter how you approach charity, beware of potential scammers. And, if in doubt — check them out! (Black likes GuideStar and Charity Navigator.)
| I know today’s Giving Tuesday, but what I always find so amazing is how you treat every day as “Giving Tuesday." |
| What makes you say that? I do not donate to an organization or charity every day. |
| You’re always so literal. I meant that the spirit of “giving to others”, whether donating or providing support in some way, seems to be part of your daily life. |
| I think you are exaggerating. |
| Really? What about your involvement with The Make-A-Wish Foundation? That’s been going on for years. And it didn’t take a “holiday” to get you involved. |
| Actually, it was a golf tournament decades ago. But once you see the difference you can make, even if it is a small donation because they add up, it becomes a way of life. Or, at least, it did for me. |
| I know you’ve quietly done things for other organizations and people, too. Living in the Houston area, we have no shortage of natural disasters, and we’ve seen people’s generosity. But what I like about GivingTuesday is it’s not waiting for a specific event because there are so many worthwhile charities that need our support every day. |
| Agree. And, although I am not always a huge fan of social media, #GivingTuesday – note the hashtag – started in 2012 to harness the power of the internet for hashtag activism and, more specifically, to inspire people and companies to give back. |
| Well, social media or not, I know how important it is to give back and help others. And it’s not always about money. Sometimes they need people to donate their time or expertise. I just wish we didn’t need a tragic event or “special day” as a reminder. |
| So, now that you have been reminded, stop talking to me and do your fair share for #GivingTuesday. Trust me, you will be glad you did. |
Today (Black would probably say “every day”) is the perfect day to give back to others, so check out this great list of ideas and pick one (or more) and become part of #GivingTuesday!
What’s so funny about the holiest day in Judaism, Yom Kippur, the “Day of Atonement”? A day where you fast as a way to help you deeply reflect on your past year, asking forgiveness, and then promising to do better.
Well, technically, nothing is funny about the holiday, but every time we think of this speaking engagement, it makes us laugh (as it did our audience) …
| I know that Yom Kippur isn't exactly known as one of the "fun" Jewish holidays, but every year, I can't help but laugh at what's easily my number one Yom Kippur memory. |
| That is what makes memories … memorable. And, finding something to laugh at on Yom Kippur, the Day of Atonement, which is probably the most important and solemn Jewish holiday, would be memorable. |
| I can't believe you're not even curious what it is!? |
assets.rebelmouse.io | You know I love to "connect the dots", and all you had to say was Yom Kippur, fun, and memory. Obviously, it was when RabbiScott asked us to speak before his congregation on Yom Kippur. |
| Well, I still find it surreal that we were asked to speak about money on one of the High Holy Days. And that we titled our presentation, "Oy Vey, You Want To Talk About Money?" |
| The day is about reflection, making fundamental changes – or at least adjustments – and trying to become a better person. And, just because it is a spiritual journey, there is no reason you cannot make learning fun. |
| True. I remember the time Rabbi Scott put a piece of aluminum foil in the children's Yom Kippur service program to help them understand that Yom Kippur's a day for reflection. But even you must admit that making a congregation laugh about money on a religious holiday is a bit much. |
| But, memorable. A few years later, I met someone who attended that service, and he said he's never forgotten it. |
| For the content or all the food analogies?! I can remember we started by saying how we just wanted to give everyone some food-for-thought and then saying, "Oops, since Yom Kippur's a day of fasting, maybe bringing up the subject of food wasn't such a good idea." |
| Of course, it did not stop us from doing it, again and again. |
| How else could we explain our unexpected journey into personal finance without mentioning it started at our first speaking engagement … which was at a Jewish Federation breakfast? |
| Or, how our detour into criminal justice started with me meeting with the chaplain at a men's prison? But I knew it was meant to be when she told me they had the only kosher kitchen in the Texas prison system. |
| And each time we looked at each other and then the audience, and we all laughed! With each mention of food, it just got funnier and funnier. But there was no way to avoid it. |
| I know. How could you tell the story about realizing all the money you were mindlessly spending at Jamba Juice without mentioning your almost-daily smoothies? Or, how you went grocery shopping at Whole Foods because it was convenient but not cost-effective. Anyway, until that day, I never realized how so many of our stories have to do with food. |
| I think the highlight was toward the end when I was explaining how I felt overwhelmed trying to tackle personal finance. That at times, things seemed insurmountable, and then you told me … it's like eating an elephant, you can do it, just one bite at a time. And everyone started laughing again. |
| On any other day, I doubt that analogy would make you think of food. But, on Yom Kippur, and especially since we were presenting after at least 15 hours of fasting, everything makes you hungry. |
| I guess it's like being so tired that you get slap happy. But I never thought a day of atonement and reflection could end up becoming a day of laughter. |
| On Yom Kippur, we wish people an "easy fast" or a "meaningful fast"… and if a bit of laughter, even if not intended, helps, what is wrong with that? |
| Good point. For that matter, you don't need to be Jewish to take a day, or even just an hour, to stop, to think, and to improve. |
| No fasting required. |