Words & Banter

Shining A Light On … Gaslighting


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I still can’t believe that “gaslighting” is Merriam-Webster’s 2022’s Word of the Year. But it does remind me of the 1944 movie “Gaslight” with Ingrid Bergman. Although I watched it on TV decades later, it was probably the first psychological thriller I ever saw, and it didn’t surprise me it won Oscars for Best Picture and Best Actress that year.


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Actually, it started with the 1938 play “Gas Light,” which became a 1940 British film titled “Gaslight” (one word), and four years later, MGM made the version you remember with Charles Boyer as the husband. All with the same plot – a man trying to make his wife believe that she is going insane by insisting the house’s gas lights are not dimming, although they are, making her question her sanity.


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I’m the movie buff, not you! So, why would you know all this? Are you going to try to convince me that you’ve become interested in old movies?


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There are many things I might be able to mislead you on, “gaslight” if you will, but that is not one of them. Years ago, when I first heard the phrase “gaslight,” I was curious about its meaning and origins.

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Well, all I know is the movie took place in England during the late 1800s before electricity was used in houses, and London was known for its incredible fog, which lent an extra layer of “creepiness” to everything. But what I found so “scary” about the plot was that it started as something mundane and seemingly plausible but, over time, almost drove the wife over the edge.

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That is how gaslighting works. In that instance, the “victim” was intentionally and systematically given false information by her husband, someone she trusted, so he could discredit her. But, whether in movies or real life, it is used to control people – emotionally, financially, physically. And, as we have seen, even politically. Think about all the misinformation out there, especially on social media.

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When you stop and look at it that way, it’s even scarier. And it’s not only incredibly effective but also dangerous. I understand the huge political ramifications but have also seen how, on a personal front, it can subtly undermine you. And relationships.

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Is there something you are trying to tell me?

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I just found it a coincidence that “gaslighting” was named word of the year, as I’ve been using it with someone who often tries to “gaslight” me. It’s nothing serious, just annoying. No, make that very annoying. At first, I thought it was an amusing game or even an “excuse” for either forgetting something or not listening in the first place.

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At first? What about now?

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Sometimes I can’t help but wonder if it’s more, although I might be giving the other person too much credit. It’s one thing to cover your tracks or deflect blame, but what if it’s something more, well, sinister?

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I started to say, “Now, your theater degree is showing,” but gaslighting can be difficult to recognize. And, especially in personal relationships, where it can be abusive. When I was married to Larry, and since he drank every night, I could easily claim I told him something, and he would not remember whether I did or not. But, trying to make someone question their sanity or judgment is very different.

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Exactly. And did you really do that? Anyway, I didn’t realize the many aspects of gaslighting. Or how serious a problem it is.

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It does not get enough attention in terms of mental health, but the concept seems to be almost a daily occurrence in the news, and especially politics.


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And if the mere existence of gaslighting isn’t scary enough, even standing up to it doesn’t always work. I doubt you watched it, but the limited series “Gaslit” was about Martha Mitchell and Watergate. She was an early whistleblower but was ridiculed by people, including her husband, in an attempt to discredit her.


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It is an extreme example of gaslighting – on both a political and personal level. And, went so far as to involve medical professionals who diagnosed her accurate perceptions of real events as delusional (now known as the “Martha Mitchell Effect”).


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Talk about a living nightmare.


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Which makes you wonder ... are you better off letting gaslighting continue, even if you do not believe it, or adamantly refusing to accept it?


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Seriously? Or are you gaslighting me?


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Good question.
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It’s been two years since President Biden signed the anti-Asian hate crimes bill, but making something illegal doesn’t stop it from happening. Hate crimes, including against Chinese Americas, continue at an alarming rate. But imagine if instead of hating someone for being different, we looked at what we had in common and their contributions to American culture and society? After all, that’s what makes America such a unique and special country.

May is Asian American Pacific Island Month (which prompted our conversation below about Jews and Chinese food), but we should treat all our fellow Americans with respect and kindness every day.



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Have you ever wondered why Jews love Chinese food so much?


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No, but what prompted that? Did you take in Chinese food this weekend? Or, did President Biden signing the anti-Asian hate crimes bill make you think about how Jews can relate given all the antisemitism in the world?


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Only you would connect those dots. I was straightening up papers in the kitchen and noticed how Chinese takeout menus look the same as they did when we were kids, and how we've laughed over the decades about how much Jews love Chinese food. But now you've reminded me about how we've recently talked about the recent increase in hate crimes against the Asian community . I simply don't understand how people can hate an entire group of people based on race or religion.


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You are the history lover. It is not a new phenomenon. And, the reasons have not changed – Ignorance, prejudice, feelings of supremacy; the list has many "reasons". What I find scary is that people form stronger bonds with others based on what they hate than they do on what they love. But, there is no question that the Asian community and Jews have experienced hate for a long time.


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I know, but in America of all places, that just shouldn't happen. Ever. We're a country built on immigrants, and the contributions of Asian Americans and American Jews have been so significant. From scientists to doctors, artists to activists, the list goes on and on.


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The lists of contributions can be sliced and diced in so many different ways – gender, race, religion, nationalities. There are not enough months in the years to celebrate them all. However, some groups tend to be forgotten or overlooked, which is why President Carter signed the first proclamation celebrating Asian/Pacific Americans , which eventually led to May becoming Asian American and Pacific Islander (AAPI) Heritage Month. But now, with hate crimes increasing against them, celebrating by learning about their cultures is even more critical.


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Well, I admit that I personally didn't know any Asians before I lived in Hong Kong, and then Shanghai, several years after getting married. Until then, all I knew was that I loved Chinese food. I know that might sound condescending, but that's not how I mean it.
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I’ve always been a proud redhead, even though I used to wish that I could tan like those glamorous models in fashion magazines. Or maybe I just got tired of Black’s sarcastic comments about my white skin. Except for the one time when we played a rare round of golf together (see below), which ended up becoming one of my favorite memories! Although I do wish I had known back then about how important it is to protect our skin from the sun … So, now I invite everyone (regardless of hair color) to join us in not only observing Skin Cancer Awareness Month but also celebrating National Sunscreen Day.

I'll never forget the day. It was an "almost" ordinary day out on the golf course with my mom and dad during the heat of a Long Island summer. Now, if "Long Island" conjures up images of stately manors on the North Shore (think "Great Gatsby") or beachfront mansions in the Hamptons (think Robin Leach and his popular show "Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous"), you can put those out of your head. I'm not talking about some fancy country club golf course, just a regular public course.

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This Mother’s Day, Red will be visiting her best friend from elementary school, both of whom have lost their moms, so they’ll be sharing lots of stories and warm memories. (And since she’ll be in NY, she’ll be “visiting” Mom at the cemetery.) Meanwhile, Red’s youngest daughter is looking forward to having dinner with her second mom … Black!

Mother’s Day is a celebration of moms – those with us and those in our hearts and memories. And that’s why we’re repeating last year’s post (that, and because Black was borderline warm and fuzzy) …


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I appreciate that bullet points may not be the typical approach to Mother’s Day, but it seems appropriate to me …
  • Be sensitive to those people whose mothers may no longer be with us, especially given how many have been lost to COVID
  • If you have lost a mother, remember they are always with you – in your heart and in your memories
  • Remember Mother’s Day also includes all those “unofficial moms” and “mother figures” who are like second (or replacement) moms
  • And, last but not least, If you’re a mom, try to enjoy the day by doing something for yourself, as today may be the one day you can get away with it


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This year I write about Mother’s Day with a heavy heart and still much raw emotion, as our mom passed in December. My pragmatic side (yes, that’s usually Black’s area although she did sound somewhat warm and fuzzy above) knows that she had been 94 and led a full life, but that really doesn’t make it any less sad or fill the emptiness. But I find myself, when I least expect it and triggered by the most unexpected things, finding comfort in wonderful memories. And although Black’s first bullet point hits too close to home for me, I’ll try my best to focus on the other bullets.

Wishing all moms a very Happy Mother’s Day!