Chapter 7: My Husband Gets In Hot Water – I Want To Make Soup!
When Red was in the midst of her crisis and trying to deal with seemingly every aspect of her life, it quickly became obvious that she had been living in an old-fashioned sitcom where life appeared to be perfect. Adjusting to reality wouldn't be easy (now, that could be a sitcom!), especially when one of the biggest adjustments had to do with what she viewed as one of her strong suits – people skills. More specifically, her relationship with her husband because Red's expectations of her husband and her marriage definitely weren't related to reality.
P.S. – Since then, Red has learned about how important it is to have realistic expectations in any relationship, but when it comes to spouses/partners, it's essential. And Black has (finally) gotten her to realize that you need to be honest with yourself (ideally about both you and your partner), so that you set your relationship up for success, not failure. But Red will add a warning … understanding the logic of this mindset and approach is much easier than accepting and implementing it. Although she'll agree with Black that it's worth the effort if it results in a more successful relationship.
E-mail From: Black
Subject: Perception vs. Reality
Sent: Saturday, February 7
Not really, or at least nothing that I know of. But our marriage is not paradise. I went into it knowing I had made trade-offs and compromises. And that is OK. I had no false expectations. But at times I have to stop and ask myself if either of us has changed or whether I have merely forgotten to adjust my thinking for changing circumstances. I always thought Larry and I had the potential to be great together. Not because we were a perfect couple, but because we were an imperfect couple that appreciated our differences.
But when it comes to you and Nick … the two of you need to face reality. Together. As a team.
By the way, how is your house-hunting going? That is a perfect place to start working together. And a lot more productive than wasting the afternoon online with me.
| I found Black's comment about having a great marriage very interesting since I didn't think it existed in real life. However, her comment got me thinking that maybe my expectations of marriage needed to be adjusted to be more realistic. I guess I was thinking a great or even really good marriage was one where two people were perfect for one another. One where there were never any major issues that tested the relationship. One where problems had obvious and easy answers. One that ran on automatic and didn't require any special effort. OK, so I was living in a fantasy world. Nothing new there! |
Chapter 15: I Need A Warning System
It’s easy to forget that charity is a year-round event, not just for the holiday season or when natural disasters happen. Since today’s International Day of Charity – Red couldn’t help but remember when Black explained her long-time involvement with Make-A-Wish (see below) … and realizing that helping others might end up being one of the best things you can do. For others. For yourself.
Typically, when Red asked Black questions, she received questions in return. Or flippant comments. When Red asked her about charity, and specifically Make-A-Wish, she got straight answers, and that alone got Red’s attention. Before this conversation, Red thought her sister’s involvement with Make-A-Wish was very generous, both of her time and her money, but attributed much of it to the fact she had surpluses of both in her life. But once Black made her realize that her involvement went back to her corporate life, years when she might have had spare money but was working ridiculous hours, Red gained a new respect for Black’s commitment. But when Black said how it had become her “reality check” on life, Red began to understand that we all need something to help us remember what’s genuinely important.
P.S. – Charity and helping others remain an important part of our lives (and, much to the chagrin of our accountants and attorneys, drive much of our work in the education and criminal justice worlds). Black’s long-time commitment to Make-A-Wish set an example for Red’s daughters when they were growing up, and made them aware of how important it is to not only appreciate what you have but to think of others. And whether it’s an ongoing commitment to a single organization, helping various charities throughout the year, celebrating targeted donation days (such as #GivingTuesday or World Wish Day), or when specific natural disasters or humanitarian needs require immediate aid, charitable giving (whether money or time) – can make all the difference. Not only to the recipient, but as Black pointed out to Red all those years ago, for yourself.
| I’m curious about something, though. As children, we were never exposed to charity, so what got you involved with Make-A-Wish? Even Natasha has asked me about Make-A-Wish, because she has seen the kids’ artwork at your house and recognizes the logo from seeing it on your race car. |
red head
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| It was years ago. I was invited to play in a Make-A-Wish golf tournament, and at the dinner some of the kids came out and told their Wish stories. They mentioned their illnesses and the doctors and the hospitals in passing — as if it was just a minor detail in their stories. But when they talked about their wishes, it was with such excitement and pure happiness that it was overwhelming. A few weeks earlier, I had received a huge bonus at work and so I was feeling flush with cash, and when I saw the power of a wish — the hope, the joy, the strength it could provide — it made me look at money in a totally different way. When you meet children who are seriously ill and you realize no amount of money can “fix the problem,” but yet something as simple as wishing for a puppy or to meet a celebrity can make such a huge difference in their lives, then you are reminded of what is really important in life. And what is not. |
| Wow. I don’t think I have ever heard you this passionate about anything. |
| Probably not. Make-A-Wish has been an important part of my life for a long time. I know I am very fortunate in many respects, but sometimes I get wrapped up in day-to-day life and forget that. I may have problems with one of the cars, or I am annoyed with Larry, or it is just a bad day, Make-A-Wish reminds me that my problems or frustrations are minuscule in the scheme of things. |
| This is a side of you that I rarely see. I’m impressed. And proud. |
| Thanks, but Make-A-Wish does far more for me than I do for them. Partly as a substitute for not having children of my own, but more importantly as my reality check on life. It is my constant reminder of what is important. And although I may not be able to cure the kids, the fact I can make their lives a little better by helping grant wishes is the least — the very least — I can do in return. |
Black
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Chapter 18: Whine Or Lemonade? Your Choice
This year, when it comes to making New Year’s resolutions, Red has decided to make a conscious effort to do something she’s talked about for years. Something she knows can lead to happiness or, at least, feelings of contentment and satisfaction.
Three months into her "crisis" (Red's word, not Black's), Red looks back and begins to realize the impact of the lessons she was forced to learn were truly invaluable. And that as much as she initially fought having to face reality and actually make changes, vs. just hoping she could "wish" everything to be better, that would've fixed nothing. In fact, it would've only made things worse. Of course, she'll always question how Black could have been so optimistic, going so far as to say Red's crisis was going to be the best thing that ever happened to her.
P.S. – Red still questions Black's optimism, but that's because she's come to realize her natural tendency is to initially focus on the negative. She claims it's because she's "wired" that way, but that's ok because she has learned that just means she has to work harder to overcome the negative and focus on the positive. And challenging times are the perfect time to remind herself that although this mindset and approach may seem hard to do, the results can be so much better than initially hoped for.
| I'm surprised to find you online again. |
| Why? Typical Saturday night. Done with dinner and no one to talk to once I get home. Only tonight home is a hotel and there is no one snoring on the couch. |
| Sorry. |
| No reason to be. Everything will work out. One way or another. |
| That's what you told me when Nick was fired. In fact, you went so far as to say you thought it was the best thing that ever happened to us. Did you really mean that, or were you trying to make me feel better? |
| Maybe not THE very best, but it was definitely a good thing. What is that cliche' about when life hands you lemons ... make a lemon drop martini? |
| Gee, and I always thought you were supposed to make lemonade! But are you saying that because you're trying to find a positive side or because you genuinely believe it? |
| Both. It does not cost anything to look on the positive side of things, but focusing on the negative can definitely have a steep price. Think about where you might be if you had chosen to wallow in your misery rather than taking a proactive approach. Think about where you are today and your outlook for the future. If Nick had not gotten fired, what would have made you look at your priorities? Not to mention your spending habits and all the other lessons you have learned. Do you think you would be in the same place? Doubtful. So yes, I genuinely believe it was for the best. |
| You're very philosophical tonight. So you really believe things happen for a reason? |
| Absolutely, although at the time we may not understand the reason. One day we may be able to look back and understand why things happened. Or we may never understand. Regardless, life goes on. And you need to make the most of each and every day. |
| OK, Miss Eternal Optimist, that's all fine and good. But what do you do on the days when you can't see the bright side? Then what? |
| Then imagine how things could be worse and be thankful for the fact they are not. Like I tell Mom when she is looking for sympathy and starts whining about problems or ailments ... "look on the bright side, at least you are not dead." |
Chapter 10: So You Think Staying At Home Isn’t A Full-Time Job?
Being a mom, although wonderful, can be challenging … and Red has found that’s especially true during the “dog days” of summer (and is why she created this list of summer ideas), but she’s still amused by Black’s perspective on the “job” of being a mom …
Even before Red’s husband was fired, she had a lot on her plate. But, in reality, probably no more than any other mom, daughter, and wife, who are often (or should that be “usually”) at the center of everything, with their lives being a combination of chauffeur, referee, nurse, cook, friend, and an assortment of other “hats”. And while it can be very rewarding and gratifying knowing that so many people count on you, it can also be overwhelming, not to mention just plain stressful.
P.S. – Even today, Black’s perspective on being a full-time mom (as a stepmom, she considered herself a part-time mom, although she knew that was an important role) still makes Red smile. And while years ago she might have wished she was just a little less needed, now that her girls are older, it makes her a little sad and very nostalgic.
| Another early morning? |
| Yes! Now that I did the Sunday night review, I can see how you wake up on Monday mornings ready to tackle the week. Except today is Presidents’ Day and so Natasha’s home from school. |
| Anything special planned? |
| Why do I have to have something special planned? In fact, why do I have to be the one who does all the planning? |
| Sorry I asked … |
Black
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| Sorry I’m the one who’s always in charge. Yesterday Mommy called hinting about me driving the girls up to The Woodlands to see her. Last night Natasha was bugging me about plans for today. And at bedtime, Nick was muttering something about looking at TVs for the new house, as if we could afford them. |
| Sounds like you have several options for the day. I do not understand the problem. |
| You wouldn’t. You’re not a mom, or at least not a full-time mom. It seems like everyone wants a piece of me — the kids, Nick, Mom. Sometimes I feel like I don’t have a second to think, or even go to the bathroom, without someone interrupting me. |
| That’s because when you said, “I do,” it was short for “I do everything!” |
| You may find that amusing, but I don’t. Everyone needs me to do something. And they want it done on demand. |
| Look on the bright side — at least you know you are needed. |
| That’s what Mom said yesterday, but she said it looking for sympathy. The “woe is me — no one needs me” speech. I tried explaining that it wasn’t the being needed — it was the being needed for every little thing. |
| So when you say it, you are NOT looking for sympathy? |
| That’s different. I’m just venting. And only to you. |
| Thanks for making me feel needed. Being needed is the ultimate in job security. |
| Great. So I guess that means there’s no chance I’ll get fired. |
| Highly unlikely. You chose a career path with great job security but awful hours. Not to mention your job is far more difficult than anything I experienced in the corporate world. And that was before Nick was fired. |
| Thanks. I’m not sure I believe you but I appreciate the acknowledgment that being a mom is more than sitting around eating bonbons. |
I have always admired Black. She had been a driven career woman determined to climb the corporate ladder. So to hear her say that she thought my “job,” which was really my life, was more difficult than any of her corporate positions was pretty incredible. And right now I could use whatever encouragement I could get, so I held on to this thought. Although I did question its validity.