It’s Just Dating – It’s Just Business

Photo by malerapaso on iStock

I was not actively looking to date, but when I heard the message from the director of the matchmaking service I had hired almost a decade ago (and had not spoken with in over eight years), I was intrigued. And surprised. Not only because it had been so long since I last spoke with her, but because our last call had been to tell them, in no uncertain terms, I was done with them. I had even considered retaining legal counsel to get my money back but realized my attorneys might end up costing me more than the fee I had paid.

Hindsight should be 20-20, but at the time I put my membership on permanent hold, I thought it was because they were not listening to what I said I wanted in a potential relationship. (Do not get me started on the difference between "hearing" and "listening.") But the reality? They are a business and are playing the numbers game. They take your money, arrange the required number of dates, and if your requirements are fairly generic, can probably "match" you up. If you are a little more challenging (or have deeper pockets), they attempt to upsell you to a VIP service.

So, I agreed to their proposed date, and as I told my sister the morning after,

We met at about 6:30 p.m., and the conversation flowed easily, with many shared interests and attitudes (even politics, even though I have been told that is never something to talk about on a first date). Before you knew it, we were closing the place down four hours later. We had talked about this website, and he wanted to know how to find it, so I gave him my business card. And, he gave me a gentlemanly kiss on the cheek when we parted at valet.

And?

Later that day, the service had one of the administrative assistants call me for a debriefing. They apparently had a checklist of questions (what did we discuss, how long did the date last, what did I think of his physical appearance, etc.) and concluded with whether I would see him again. I hesitated, saying that I would – but that my gut told me I was probably not what he was looking for in terms of a romantic partner. (When I told Red the same thing, she said I still should go out with him again and see.)

So, imagine my surprise when the director of the matchmaking service called me late that afternoon, leaving a message that she wanted "to gloat." When we ultimately spoke, she told me that she was right when she thought that we were perfect for one another. That he had said he really enjoyed getting to know me, that I was a "firecracker," and a very interesting person. She reiterated how good she is at matchmaking, and that I should keep her updated on how this develops.

I have not heard from him. And, if not for the director telling me differently, I did not expect to as I did not think I was what he was seeking. But, imagine if I had gotten my hopes up and was anxiously awaiting his call.

So, I wonder … should I call her and merely leave the message,

How do you retract "a gloat"?

relationships

Words & Banter

RED & BLACK … Is It Hug Or Ugh?

Design by Sawyer Pennington, Underlying photo by Jon Tyson on Unsplash

red head assets.rebelmouse.io	So, I had to smile when Sawyer came to visit us at Mom’s estate sale. And even though I had seen her only a few hours before, I gave her a hug.
Black assets.rebelmouse.io	Yes, you make it rather obvious that you are warm and fuzzy. And, a hugger.
red head assets.rebelmouse.io	But what made me laugh was when she greeted you by acknowledging that you weren’t a hugger. Now there’s an understatement.
Black assets.rebelmouse.io	No, it is merely a fact.
red head assets.rebelmouse.io	I never realized, though, just how much both Natasha and Sawyer are like you. Although they begrudgingly let me hug them, they’d both be just as happy with a handshake. If that.
Black assets.rebelmouse.io	Maybe a fist bump?

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monthly column

Words & Banter

Summer’s Over … But Not Our Gratitude

Credit: Photo by Maha1450 on iStock

Red assets.rebelmouse.io

I know you celebrate Labor Day by just, well, laboring away on Red & Black. But that’s how you celebrate most holidays. For me, I always enjoy celebrating the last three-day weekend of the summer, although the challenge will be deciding what to do this Labor Day. Escape to a movie (ok, my passion’s the popcorn), go to Dunkin’ for a leisurely coffee (it always brings back memories of growing up in New York), read, or climb into bed and watch old episodes of Downton Abbey. Or, maybe “all of the above”!

But before you say anything, yes, I’m well aware that today’s more than a day off and a potential “cut-off” for wearing white (😊). It’s about honoring American workers and all the many contributions they’ve made and continue to make.

Black assets.rebelmouse.io

I know you love history, but do you know the history of Labor Day includes violence and a deadly railroad strike? And, was a way for politicians to “prove” they cared about workers? It is too bad people do not typically walk around thanking others for the work they do (imagine the impact if we did), but maybe you will get inspired by these Labor Day quotes.

And, in terms of me “laboring” today. Of course, I am. I look forward to the quiet time of weekends, especially long ones, to work on strategic projects needing large blocks of uninterrupted time or one of my passion projects. To you, it might appear as if I am “working”, but I am doing what makes me happy. Although tomorrow morning, you may not be happy when you find all my emails that will be waiting in your inbox.

holidays

Words & Banter

Listen To This Stutter!

Photo by TungCheung on Shutterstock

red head assets.rebelmouse.io	You know how I like to blah-blah-blah, barely letting anyone get a word in edgewise?
Black assets.rebelmouse.io	Is this a rhetorical question? Or, a trick question?
red head assets.rebelmouse.io	Neither, I leave those to you. And, you know how things happen to us that seem accidental but probably aren’t coincidences?
Black assets.rebelmouse.io	Is there a point to these questions? If so, can you please get to it?
red head assets.rebelmouse.io	As you often tell me, “Patience, grasshopper.” Although I know that’s not your strong suit. Especially not in conversations. Anyway, the other day you sent me a video about stutterers. Well, that same day, I happened to speak to someone who stuttered, and it was just what I needed.
Black assets.rebelmouse.io	The video? Or, the conversation?

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communication

DON’T MISS A THING

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red head assets.rebelmouse.io	The good news is that I don’t take it personally, although I’d be lying if I didn’t say I wish they were huggers. Regardless, it reminds me of how we used to greet people at business meetings in the “good ole days” when we actually had in-person meetings. If it was people we’d worked with before, I’d be giving everyone hello hugs while you’d be standing there, with your body language “screaming” … “Can we just get straight to business?”
Black assets.rebelmouse.io	Body language can be so efficient. But, it is a business meeting.
red head assets.rebelmouse.io	But you’re the same way even at family dinners and social events. And on the rare occasion that you do give someone a hug, I always think the recipient should remember it because it’s a really big deal. And sometimes, I even point that out.
Black assets.rebelmouse.io	Which usually makes me roll my eyes.
red head assets.rebelmouse.io	Hey, I’m just trying to warn them not to get used to it, or even expect it again, so they appreciate it.
Black assets.rebelmouse.io	My eye-rolling is not about you; it is about the person wanting to hug me. Especially when they know me, because they must know that hugging is not something I would ever initiate.
red head assets.rebelmouse.io	To be honest, I don’t think people think about it. It’s just a warm and welcoming gesture.
Black assets.rebelmouse.io	You are right about the thinking part. After all, if someone knows I do not like to hug, but still wants to hug me, that seems rather selfish.
red head assets.rebelmouse.io	I think that’s a bit of an overstatement. If you said to them, “Please do not hug me,” and they chose to ignore you, that might be considered selfish. Not to mention, risky.
Black assets.rebelmouse.io	Sounds like a personal problem. If they are that insistent on hugging me, then it seems to me that they need the hug.
red head assets.rebelmouse.io	Well, if you ask me, the whole topic of hugging has gotten way too complicated. Especially since the pandemic. But I can still remember watching one of Sawyer’s volleyball coaches starting to give her a hug and then stopping.
Black assets.rebelmouse.io	Did he suddenly remember that she is not much of a hugger?
red head assets.rebelmouse.io	No, it was because it was the beginning of the #MeToo era, and he was being mindful (my word, not his) that his players were teenage girls. And although he knew Sawyer, and me, very well, I guess he thought it was better to err on the safe side.
Black assets.rebelmouse.io	The world has changed. But, it does make things more complicated for huggers.
red head assets.rebelmouse.io	Sawyer may not be a hugger, but she does make concessions to hugging much easier than you or Natasha, who obviously hate it and would probably outlaw it if possible.
Black assets.rebelmouse.io	Now you are the one making the overstatement. I do not hate the concept of hugs. And, there is science behind the importance of hugs, including how they can relieve stress.
red head assets.rebelmouse.io	I was just waiting for your non-emotional perspective on hugs.
Black assets.rebelmouse.io	And, I respect what they should represent – affection, concern, love, appreciation, or just the joy of seeing someone. For some people, it is easier than words.
red head assets.rebelmouse.io	That’s an interesting perspective. And makes me think about how you sometimes will end an email by writing, “With an electronic hug.” It surprised me the first time I saw it, although I immediately liked it. So much so that I now often use it myself.
Black assets.rebelmouse.io	I know. I should charge you a royalty fee.
red head assets.rebelmouse.io	Cute. But how did you come up with that phrase anyway?
Black assets.rebelmouse.io	I know that emails can be very impersonal, and as much as I love bullet points and keeping things very factual, sometimes the recipient needs something more. An “electronic hug” seemed to be a good compromise.
Red assets.rebelmouse.io	Well, I love it. As ironic as it is coming from someone who hates to give an actual, in-person, up close and personal, hug.
Black assets.rebelmouse.io	Actually, I sometimes do give hugs to people I think genuinely need it. I just hate getting them.
red head assets.rebelmouse.io	You didn’t seem to mind the night before Sawyer left for college, and she got out of the car when we were dropping you off to give you a goodbye hug.
Black assets.rebelmouse.io	I think I was in shock.
Red assets.rebelmouse.io	Well, I know I was …

red head assets.rebelmouse.io	The conversation. It happened before you sent the video. As you know, we weren’t sure the buyers of Mom’s house wanted the 22-foot shuffleboard table in the second-floor game room. And since it’s a solid piece of, well, whatever the board’s made of, it’d have to be broken down to get it out of the house since the original homeowners probably brought it in through the windows while the house was still being built.
Black assets.rebelmouse.io	I know the story. But, I am running out of patience with your blah-blah-blah. Can you get to the point?
red head assets.rebelmouse.io	I’ll try, but sometimes the details are important. Anyway, I was pretty stressed about finding someone who could remove the shuffleboard, especially since we only had a few days to pull this off. So, I was excited when I found LoadUp, a company that professionally disposes of your old items, but imagine how I felt when the person who answered the phone stuttered. I was not in a patient mood.
Black assets.rebelmouse.io	Oh, I can only imagine. Normally, you would have been patient and understanding, but getting Mom’s house emptied has been overwhelming and emotional for you.
red head assets.rebelmouse.io	There’s an understatement, but something remarkable happened during that call. I went from being incredibly stressed out to being calm and in a good mood. Because as soon as I heard his stutter, I forced myself to “slow down” and just listen.
Black assets.rebelmouse.io	I will not get into the power of active listening, but by focusing on what he was saying, that was an escape, albeit very brief, from everything going on in your mind.
red head assets.rebelmouse.io	Besides him being highly professional and knowledgeable, he was extremely nice and understood my “disposal” dilemma. I only wish he could’ve seen me as I went from being a woman bouncing off the walls to someone in a much better mood, all because, ironically, of his stutter!
Black assets.rebelmouse.io	I am certain he could hear it in the tone of your voice. Regardless, as the video points out, the problem is not with the person who stutters; it is with the listener.
red head assets.rebelmouse.io	Which makes sense. And even though you commented the video was a great piece and worth the time to watch, I only did so a few days ago. And I agree. But you also mentioned I should remind you to tell me about the Make-A-Wish interviewer who stuttered.
Black assets.rebelmouse.io	It was exactly one week before your conversation with the man who stuttered. I arrived for the building dedication interview and was introduced to the two-man film crew – an interviewer and a camera operator. I noticed that one man stuttered, so I assumed he was the camera operator. Imagine my surprise when I found out I had guessed wrong.
red head assets.rebelmouse.io	I’m sure you were great. You don’t tolerate fools well, but you’re very empathic with people who have genuine issues.
Black assets.rebelmouse.io	Perhaps. But, I also have been known to finish people’s sentences or interrupt them when it is obvious where they are going, and I want the conversation to move along quicker.
red head assets.rebelmouse.io	I think we’ve already established you’re impatient.
Black assets.rebelmouse.io	Point made. But, just as you learned allowing yourself to genuinely listen not only allowed you to connect better with him but also to stop and catch your breath, I realized that allowing the interviewer to ask his questions at his pace allowed me to think about what he was saying and carefully prepare my answer. That it was not a race to the finish.
red head assets.rebelmouse.io	So, does that mean you will start being more patient with me? And become a better listener?
Black assets.rebelmouse.io	Doubtful; however, I wonder if people who stutter do a better job of getting to the point and actually are more succinct speakers.
red head assets.rebelmouse.io	You would …