Chapter 7: My Husband Gets In Hot Water – I Want To Make Soup!
One of the hardest lessons Red had to learn during her crisis (partially because she was adamantly resisting it) was one that Black couldn't believe she didn't already know – that marriage (and relationships) isn't all flowers and romantic dinners, but is about teamwork, with an emphasis on work. As well as realizing that life isn't fair, which means teamwork can be 50-50 one day and 90-10 the next.
P.S. – Over the years, Red learned that the concept of teamwork applies to families, not just marriages. Although she sometimes gets so focused on the challenges of being a single mom that she forgets Black's analogy about teamwork. So, falls back into the habit of acting (remember, she was a theater major) the martyr rather than being part of a team that works together.
| … Stop complaining that your life is no longer perfect. Shut up, suck it up and work at it. |
| Thanks for the sugar coating! And for the record, I don't mind the work. What I mind is that I feel like I'm the only one working. |
| That is because you are
doing more than you are used to doing and you do not think Nick is doing anything extra. |
| True. And I don't think
it's fair! |
| Yes, it is. It all averages out. The first few years I was racing the Ferrari, my crew did not have to do much to the car on race weekends. Basically "nut and bolt" her, fill her with fuel, and clean the windshield. The car was new, I kept my nose clean and stayed out of accidents and away from the walls. Then late one afternoon I had a minor
"sharing of paint" with someone, and they needed to stay late and work on the car. I apologized to the crew. My
crew chief, Scott, explained that
was their job. The fact that it
had been easy up until then was fine, but
they were always prepared to do whatever it took to keep my car racing. A
marriage is no different. |
| I don't think you can compare racing a Ferrari to a marriage. One is an expensive hobby, and one is your life! |
| Really? Scott is in charge of making sure my race car is ready to be driven to its limit on a racetrack at speeds in excess of 150 miles per hour. If something goes wrong at that speed, things can get very ugly. And I have to be secure in knowing that the car is 100% race-ready. You cannot have doubts in your mind. I would say my relationship with Scott is as serious as a marriage, because every time I put my car on the track, I am trusting Scott with my life. |
| I never would have thought of it that way. So do you trust
Larry with your life? |
| Trust in a marriage is different. The point you need to understand is sometimes a marriage is a 50-50 partnership, and sometimes it requires one party to increase their usual workload to get through challenges. At the moment, you may feel like it is skewed, but even if it is 90-10, the important thing is you have to work together. That might mean that you have to bear a bit more of the "work" right now. |
| So I'm supposed to accept the fact I'm carrying more than my share of the work and let him get a free ride? |
| In a word, yes. |
Chapter 15: I Need A Warning System
| I know we first posted this excerpt earlier this year, but now seems the perfect time to repeat it. First of all, it’s always a good time to think of others, and never more so than right now – between natural disasters (Florida will be dealing with the aftermath of Hurricane Ian for a long time) and the holidays (including Giving Tuesday) being just around the corner. And, I have no doubt that if Black were here, she’d probably tell you about the science proving helping others is good for you. (And recommend the book “Wonder Drug: 7 Scientifically Proven Ways That Serving Others Is the Best Medicine for Yourself“ because I know she’s been buying it for people.) But Black’s not here, which is another reason to rerun this post. Although she might not appreciate me telling you she’s at The Make-A-Wish Foundation national conference in Orlando, Florida, as she prefers to keep her involvement “under the radar” as much as possible. (One exception was when she agreed to be MC at the recent dedication of the Make-A-Wish Teresa E. Andrepont building.) I know this might sound ironic as Black’s personality is neither shy nor unassuming, but when it comes to charity and her decades-long involvement with Make-A-Wish, Black doesn’t do it for the recognition … she does it for the Wish kids. |
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Typically, when Red asked Black questions, she received questions in return. Or flippant comments. When Red asked her about charity, and specifically Make-A-Wish, she got straight answers, and that alone got Red’s attention. Before this conversation, Red thought her sister’s involvement with Make-A-Wish was very generous, both of her time and her money, but attributed much of it to the fact she had surpluses of both in her life. But once Black made her realize that her involvement went back to her corporate life, years when she might have had spare money but was working ridiculous hours, Red gained a new respect for Black’s commitment. But when Black said how it had become her “reality check” on life, Red began to understand that we all need something to help us remember what’s genuinely important.
P.S. – Charity and helping others remain an important part of our lives (and, much to the chagrin of our accountants and attorneys, drive much of our work in the education and criminal justice worlds). Black’s long-time commitment to Make-A-Wish set an example for Red’s daughters when they were growing up, and made them aware of how important it is to not only appreciate what you have but to think of others. And whether it’s an ongoing commitment to a single organization, helping various charities throughout the year, celebrating targeted donation days (such as #GivingTuesday or World Wish Day), or when specific natural disasters or humanitarian needs require immediate aid, charitable giving (whether money or time) – can make all the difference. Not only to the recipient, but as Black pointed out to Red all those years ago, for yourself.
| I’m curious about something, though. As children, we were never exposed to charity, so what got you involved with Make-A-Wish? Even Natasha has asked me about Make-A-Wish, because she has seen the kids’ artwork at your house and recognizes the logo from seeing it on your race car. |
red head
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| It was years ago. I was invited to play in a Make-A-Wish golf tournament, and at the dinner some of the kids came out and told their Wish stories. They mentioned their illnesses and the doctors and the hospitals in passing — as if it was just a minor detail in their stories. But when they talked about their wishes, it was with such excitement and pure happiness that it was overwhelming. A few weeks earlier, I had received a huge bonus at work and so I was feeling flush with cash, and when I saw the power of a wish — the hope, the joy, the strength it could provide — it made me look at money in a totally different way. When you meet children who are seriously ill and you realize no amount of money can “fix the problem,” but yet something as simple as wishing for a puppy or to meet a celebrity can make such a huge difference in their lives, then you are reminded of what is really important in life. And what is not. |
| Wow. I don’t think I have ever heard you this passionate about anything. |
| Probably not. Make-A-Wish has been an important part of my life for a long time. I know I am very fortunate in many respects, but sometimes I get wrapped up in day-to-day life and forget that. I may have problems with one of the cars, or I am annoyed with Larry, or it is just a bad day, Make-A-Wish reminds me that my problems or frustrations are minuscule in the scheme of things. |
| This is a side of you that I rarely see. I’m impressed. And proud. |
| Thanks, but Make-A-Wish does far more for me than I do for them. Partly as a substitute for not having children of my own, but more importantly as my reality check on life. It is my constant reminder of what is important. And although I may not be able to cure the kids, the fact I can make their lives a little better by helping grant wishes is the least — the very least — I can do in return. |
Black
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Chapter 18: Whine Or Lemonade? Your Choice
In the midst of Red’s financial crisis, when her focus seemed to be on every little penny, Black helped her look at money realistically and honestly (it only took Red 40+ years to do that). Black also made her see the need to be honest with yourself about what truly makes you happy. But the last thing Red ever expected was to learn that Black had paid for half a Ferrari engine without telling her (millionaire!) husband. Although she didn’t want to think about how much it cost, Red couldn’t help but wonder how important it must’ve been to her sister if she secretly paid for it herself. Especially given how “public” she was about her extensive (and expensive) handbag and shoe collections.
P.S. – Years later, Red still rolls her eyes when she thinks about the conversation. And even though she’s gotten over the shock, she still finds it sad that Black couldn’t talk about money with her husband. Especially because Black was the one that helped Red realize that whether you’re worth millions or living paycheck to paycheck, being able to have open, honest conversations about money is critical if you want a successful and happy partnership.
|
What
are you doing online? |
|
Checking
e-mails before dinner. And you? |
|
Same
same. |
| Can I ask you a question? |
|
You
just did. |
|
Cute.
You said you paid for half your engine yourself instead of having Larry pay for
all of it. I’m sure an engine is incredibly expensive, so that seems like an
awful lot of money to spend if you didn’t have to. |
|
Trying
to find out how much a Ferrari engine costs? Trust me; you do not want to know. |
|
No,
I’m trying to figure out why you spent your own money. Or at least why you
didn’t tell Larry you were paying for half of it yourself. |
|
Many
reasons, but it all boils down to the fact that Larry and I never really talk
about money. (Snide comments do not count.) In fact, when I decided to buy the
vintage Porsche race car, I told him about it once it was on the trailer
heading to Texas. But I quickly added that I had bought it with my own money. |
|
You
did? Why? It must have been expensive. |
|
It
was something I needed and wanted. Before you ask – the Porsche 356 is twitchy
so it teaches you car control. Plus the car is significantly less expensive to
run than the Ferrari, so “seat time” is much more cost effective. Anyway, I
knew Larry would pay for it if I said it would make me happy, but I felt guilty
having him buy me another race car. |
|
So
did the car make you happy? |
|
Trying
to trick me and get me to admit money can buy happiness? Money alone will not
make you happy, but it can allow you to do things which bring you pleasure. And
satisfaction. And fulfillment. |
|
Is
that how you rationalize your spending? And your racing? |
|
Interesting
questions. |
|
You’re
avoiding the questions. |
|
No, I am avoiding the answers. |
|
Fine.
So much for your “my life is an open book” attitude. |
Chapter 15: I Need A Warning System
Typically, when Red asked Black questions, she received questions in return. Or flippant comments. When Red asked her about charity, and specifically Make-A-Wish, she got straight answers, and that alone got Red’s attention. Before this conversation, Red thought her sister’s involvement with Make-A-Wish was very generous, both of her time and her money, but attributed much of it to the fact she had surpluses of both in her life. But once Black made her realize that her involvement went back to her corporate life, years when she might have had spare money but was working ridiculous hours, Red gained a new respect for Black’s commitment. But when Black said how it had become her “reality check” on life, Red began to understand that we all need something to help us remember what’s genuinely important.
P.S. – Charity and helping others remain an important part of our lives (and, much to the chagrin of our accountants and attorneys, drive much of our work in the education and criminal justice worlds). Black’s long-time commitment to Make-A-Wish set an example for Red’s daughters when they were growing up, and made them aware of how important it is to not only appreciate what you have but to think of others. And whether it’s an ongoing commitment to a single organization, helping various charities throughout the year, celebrating targeted donation days (such as #GivingTuesday or World Wish Day), or when specific natural disasters or humanitarian needs require immediate aid, charitable giving (whether money or time) – can make all the difference. Not only to the recipient, but as Black pointed out to Red all those years ago, for yourself.
| I’m curious about something, though. As children, we were never exposed to charity, so what got you involved with Make-A-Wish? Even Natasha has asked me about Make-A-Wish, because she has seen the kids’ artwork at your house and recognizes the logo from seeing it on your race car. |
| It was years ago. I was invited to play in a Make-A-Wish golf tournament, and at the dinner some of the kids came out and told their Wish stories. They mentioned their illnesses and the doctors and the hospitals in passing — as if it was just a minor detail in their stories. But when they talked about their wishes, it was with such excitement and pure happiness that it was overwhelming. A few weeks earlier, I had received a huge bonus at work and so I was feeling flush with cash, and when I saw the power of a wish — the hope, the joy, the strength it could provide — it made me look at money in a totally different way. When you meet children who are seriously ill and you realize no amount of money can “fix the problem,” but yet something as simple as wishing for a puppy or to meet a celebrity can make such a huge difference in their lives, then you are reminded of what is really important in life. And what is not. |
| Wow. I don’t think I have ever heard you this passionate about anything. |
| Probably not. Make-A-Wish has been an important part of my life for a long time. I know I am very fortunate in many respects, but sometimes I get wrapped up in day-to-day life and forget that. I may have problems with one of the cars, or I am annoyed with Larry, or it is just a bad day, Make-A-Wish reminds me that my problems or frustrations are minuscule in the scheme of things. |
| This is a side of you that I rarely see. I’m impressed. And proud. |
| Thanks, but Make-A-Wish does far more for me than I do for them. Partly as a substitute for not having children of my own, but more importantly as my reality check on life. It is my constant reminder of what is important. And although I may not be able to cure the kids, the fact I can make their lives a little better by helping grant wishes is the least — the very least — I can do in return. |