There’s A Reason I’m Talking To Myself

I don't know about you, but there are days when I just need to vent. And, much to the chagrin of my sister, Black, she's the one who gets to hear it. A few years ago, given my tendency to blah-blah-blah, she asked me to let her know right up front whether I'm looking for advice or merely letting off steam. When I questioned (with some annoyance) what difference did it make, she pragmatically explained it impacts whether she has to listen carefully, or even comment (although she'll throw in questions like, "Really?" or, "And then what?" to make me feel like she's paying attention). Bottom line: she knows that once I've had my vent, I'm good. It's out of my system and I'm (usually) ready to move on.

But occasionally there are times when I still need to talk to her, and although I'm looking for advice it's similar to a vent in that I don't really need her to listen. But, unlike a vent, ironically enough, this is when I need to listen to myself.

Confused? Well, at first, so was I. It started when I found myself not knowing what to do about something (the particulars aren't important), so I called her looking for advice. But as I started talking, I heard myself answering her questions before she even asked them. I was explaining my thought process, going through the pros and cons of the situation, and even running through the various scenarios that might happen based on what I decided. Of course, Black would occasionally throw in a "Why?" (her favorite question), but by the time I finally stopped talking, I had my answer.

Over time, I found this situation repeating itself – sometimes related to our mother or my daughters, a high dollar purchase, or sometimes just a small decision I was struggling with (they often seem the hardest to make) – with me often prefacing the conversation by admitting,

I've found that saying things out loud usually helps me figure things out. So, although it sounds counterintuitive, this is one of those times when I need someone to talk to, but the good news is I'm not expecting you to do anything more than that.

Well, not only does Black appreciate the heads-up, but the first time I said it, it provided the perfect opportunity for one of her smart-ass comments,

In other words, you do not want me to interrupt you while you are talking to yourself.

Exactly! Because sometimes you don't need advice as much as you just need a sounding board.

decision making

Words & Banter

RED & BLACK … Is It Hug Or Ugh?

Design by Sawyer Pennington, Underlying photo by Jon Tyson on Unsplash

red head assets.rebelmouse.io	So, I had to smile when Sawyer came to visit us at Mom’s estate sale. And even though I had seen her only a few hours before, I gave her a hug.
Black assets.rebelmouse.io	Yes, you make it rather obvious that you are warm and fuzzy. And, a hugger.
red head assets.rebelmouse.io	But what made me laugh was when she greeted you by acknowledging that you weren’t a hugger. Now there’s an understatement.
Black assets.rebelmouse.io	No, it is merely a fact.
red head assets.rebelmouse.io	I never realized, though, just how much both Natasha and Sawyer are like you. Although they begrudgingly let me hug them, they’d both be just as happy with a handshake. If that.
Black assets.rebelmouse.io	Maybe a fist bump?

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monthly column

Words & Banter

Summer’s Over … But Not Our Gratitude

Credit: Photo by Maha1450 on iStock

Red assets.rebelmouse.io

I know you celebrate Labor Day by just, well, laboring away on Red & Black. But that’s how you celebrate most holidays. For me, I always enjoy celebrating the last three-day weekend of the summer, although the challenge will be deciding what to do this Labor Day. Escape to a movie (ok, my passion’s the popcorn), go to Dunkin’ for a leisurely coffee (it always brings back memories of growing up in New York), read, or climb into bed and watch old episodes of Downton Abbey. Or, maybe “all of the above”!

But before you say anything, yes, I’m well aware that today’s more than a day off and a potential “cut-off” for wearing white (😊). It’s about honoring American workers and all the many contributions they’ve made and continue to make.

Black assets.rebelmouse.io

I know you love history, but do you know the history of Labor Day includes violence and a deadly railroad strike? And, was a way for politicians to “prove” they cared about workers? It is too bad people do not typically walk around thanking others for the work they do (imagine the impact if we did), but maybe you will get inspired by these Labor Day quotes.

And, in terms of me “laboring” today. Of course, I am. I look forward to the quiet time of weekends, especially long ones, to work on strategic projects needing large blocks of uninterrupted time or one of my passion projects. To you, it might appear as if I am “working”, but I am doing what makes me happy. Although tomorrow morning, you may not be happy when you find all my emails that will be waiting in your inbox.

holidays

Words & Banter

Listen To This Stutter!

Photo by TungCheung on Shutterstock

red head assets.rebelmouse.io	You know how I like to blah-blah-blah, barely letting anyone get a word in edgewise?
Black assets.rebelmouse.io	Is this a rhetorical question? Or, a trick question?
red head assets.rebelmouse.io	Neither, I leave those to you. And, you know how things happen to us that seem accidental but probably aren’t coincidences?
Black assets.rebelmouse.io	Is there a point to these questions? If so, can you please get to it?
red head assets.rebelmouse.io	As you often tell me, “Patience, grasshopper.” Although I know that’s not your strong suit. Especially not in conversations. Anyway, the other day you sent me a video about stutterers. Well, that same day, I happened to speak to someone who stuttered, and it was just what I needed.
Black assets.rebelmouse.io	The video? Or, the conversation?

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communication

DON’T MISS A THING

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red head assets.rebelmouse.io	The good news is that I don’t take it personally, although I’d be lying if I didn’t say I wish they were huggers. Regardless, it reminds me of how we used to greet people at business meetings in the “good ole days” when we actually had in-person meetings. If it was people we’d worked with before, I’d be giving everyone hello hugs while you’d be standing there, with your body language “screaming” … “Can we just get straight to business?”
Black assets.rebelmouse.io	Body language can be so efficient. But, it is a business meeting.
red head assets.rebelmouse.io	But you’re the same way even at family dinners and social events. And on the rare occasion that you do give someone a hug, I always think the recipient should remember it because it’s a really big deal. And sometimes, I even point that out.
Black assets.rebelmouse.io	Which usually makes me roll my eyes.
red head assets.rebelmouse.io	Hey, I’m just trying to warn them not to get used to it, or even expect it again, so they appreciate it.
Black assets.rebelmouse.io	My eye-rolling is not about you; it is about the person wanting to hug me. Especially when they know me, because they must know that hugging is not something I would ever initiate.
red head assets.rebelmouse.io	To be honest, I don’t think people think about it. It’s just a warm and welcoming gesture.
Black assets.rebelmouse.io	You are right about the thinking part. After all, if someone knows I do not like to hug, but still wants to hug me, that seems rather selfish.
red head assets.rebelmouse.io	I think that’s a bit of an overstatement. If you said to them, “Please do not hug me,” and they chose to ignore you, that might be considered selfish. Not to mention, risky.
Black assets.rebelmouse.io	Sounds like a personal problem. If they are that insistent on hugging me, then it seems to me that they need the hug.
red head assets.rebelmouse.io	Well, if you ask me, the whole topic of hugging has gotten way too complicated. Especially since the pandemic. But I can still remember watching one of Sawyer’s volleyball coaches starting to give her a hug and then stopping.
Black assets.rebelmouse.io	Did he suddenly remember that she is not much of a hugger?
red head assets.rebelmouse.io	No, it was because it was the beginning of the #MeToo era, and he was being mindful (my word, not his) that his players were teenage girls. And although he knew Sawyer, and me, very well, I guess he thought it was better to err on the safe side.
Black assets.rebelmouse.io	The world has changed. But, it does make things more complicated for huggers.
red head assets.rebelmouse.io	Sawyer may not be a hugger, but she does make concessions to hugging much easier than you or Natasha, who obviously hate it and would probably outlaw it if possible.
Black assets.rebelmouse.io	Now you are the one making the overstatement. I do not hate the concept of hugs. And, there is science behind the importance of hugs, including how they can relieve stress.
red head assets.rebelmouse.io	I was just waiting for your non-emotional perspective on hugs.
Black assets.rebelmouse.io	And, I respect what they should represent – affection, concern, love, appreciation, or just the joy of seeing someone. For some people, it is easier than words.
red head assets.rebelmouse.io	That’s an interesting perspective. And makes me think about how you sometimes will end an email by writing, “With an electronic hug.” It surprised me the first time I saw it, although I immediately liked it. So much so that I now often use it myself.
Black assets.rebelmouse.io	I know. I should charge you a royalty fee.
red head assets.rebelmouse.io	Cute. But how did you come up with that phrase anyway?
Black assets.rebelmouse.io	I know that emails can be very impersonal, and as much as I love bullet points and keeping things very factual, sometimes the recipient needs something more. An “electronic hug” seemed to be a good compromise.
Red assets.rebelmouse.io	Well, I love it. As ironic as it is coming from someone who hates to give an actual, in-person, up close and personal, hug.
Black assets.rebelmouse.io	Actually, I sometimes do give hugs to people I think genuinely need it. I just hate getting them.
red head assets.rebelmouse.io	You didn’t seem to mind the night before Sawyer left for college, and she got out of the car when we were dropping you off to give you a goodbye hug.
Black assets.rebelmouse.io	I think I was in shock.
Red assets.rebelmouse.io	Well, I know I was …

red head assets.rebelmouse.io	The conversation. It happened before you sent the video. As you know, we weren’t sure the buyers of Mom’s house wanted the 22-foot shuffleboard table in the second-floor game room. And since it’s a solid piece of, well, whatever the board’s made of, it’d have to be broken down to get it out of the house since the original homeowners probably brought it in through the windows while the house was still being built.
Black assets.rebelmouse.io	I know the story. But, I am running out of patience with your blah-blah-blah. Can you get to the point?
red head assets.rebelmouse.io	I’ll try, but sometimes the details are important. Anyway, I was pretty stressed about finding someone who could remove the shuffleboard, especially since we only had a few days to pull this off. So, I was excited when I found LoadUp, a company that professionally disposes of your old items, but imagine how I felt when the person who answered the phone stuttered. I was not in a patient mood.
Black assets.rebelmouse.io	Oh, I can only imagine. Normally, you would have been patient and understanding, but getting Mom’s house emptied has been overwhelming and emotional for you.
red head assets.rebelmouse.io	There’s an understatement, but something remarkable happened during that call. I went from being incredibly stressed out to being calm and in a good mood. Because as soon as I heard his stutter, I forced myself to “slow down” and just listen.
Black assets.rebelmouse.io	I will not get into the power of active listening, but by focusing on what he was saying, that was an escape, albeit very brief, from everything going on in your mind.
red head assets.rebelmouse.io	Besides him being highly professional and knowledgeable, he was extremely nice and understood my “disposal” dilemma. I only wish he could’ve seen me as I went from being a woman bouncing off the walls to someone in a much better mood, all because, ironically, of his stutter!
Black assets.rebelmouse.io	I am certain he could hear it in the tone of your voice. Regardless, as the video points out, the problem is not with the person who stutters; it is with the listener.
red head assets.rebelmouse.io	Which makes sense. And even though you commented the video was a great piece and worth the time to watch, I only did so a few days ago. And I agree. But you also mentioned I should remind you to tell me about the Make-A-Wish interviewer who stuttered.
Black assets.rebelmouse.io	It was exactly one week before your conversation with the man who stuttered. I arrived for the building dedication interview and was introduced to the two-man film crew – an interviewer and a camera operator. I noticed that one man stuttered, so I assumed he was the camera operator. Imagine my surprise when I found out I had guessed wrong.
red head assets.rebelmouse.io	I’m sure you were great. You don’t tolerate fools well, but you’re very empathic with people who have genuine issues.
Black assets.rebelmouse.io	Perhaps. But, I also have been known to finish people’s sentences or interrupt them when it is obvious where they are going, and I want the conversation to move along quicker.
red head assets.rebelmouse.io	I think we’ve already established you’re impatient.
Black assets.rebelmouse.io	Point made. But, just as you learned allowing yourself to genuinely listen not only allowed you to connect better with him but also to stop and catch your breath, I realized that allowing the interviewer to ask his questions at his pace allowed me to think about what he was saying and carefully prepare my answer. That it was not a race to the finish.
red head assets.rebelmouse.io	So, does that mean you will start being more patient with me? And become a better listener?
Black assets.rebelmouse.io	Doubtful; however, I wonder if people who stutter do a better job of getting to the point and actually are more succinct speakers.
red head assets.rebelmouse.io	You would …