Chapter 10: So You Think Staying At Home Isn’t A Full-Time Job?
Red had never thought about all the things she did as a mom as anything more than, well, being a mom. Juggling a million and one things, all of which seemed to be a priority (if not to her, then to others). Putting out daily fires, trying to anticipate the next problem before it happened, and keeping life running as smoothly as possible were all part of what she signed up for. And since she had always wanted to be a mom, she never gave any of it a second thought — until the day Black got her thinking about her life in a whole new way.
P.S. - Initially, Red found it hard to believe that what she called “Mom skills” were highly valuable workplace skills. What Black refers to as “soft skills” (don’t get her started on all the other names for them!). Over the years, as we detoured into the education world and the workplace, Red was fascinated by the full impact of what Black had told her in those first months of her crisis. (We even created curricula related to soft skills as they’re demonstrated throughout our book.) But what Red finds most powerful is that soft skills are totally transferable — from the workplace to your personal life, and vice versa.
What I didn’t realize was that I’d never work harder in my life than once I added the responsibilities of being a full-time mom to those of being a wife and a daughter. And now, as I have taken on the management of the family’s finances and the work associated with moving to a new house, my workload has gotten even bigger.
| Just checking in. What’s going on? It sounds like World War III. |
| Let me call you back. |
| Sorry it took me so long to call you back. We were in the middle of labeling Ziploc bags when the girls decided to start fighting over the markers. Then, as I was trying to stop them from arguing, Nick told me that he had promised to paint with the girls, but we were out of watercolors. That’s when you called. |
| Did you get it all resolved? |
| Oh, yes. I told the girls if they didn’t stop fighting, no one was going to get to use the markers, and we wouldn’t go through any more of the scrapbook stuff, which they were really enjoying. They settled down immediately. I told Nick I’d add watercolors to my shopping list, but told him that I’d check to see if I had some extra paint in my secret gift stash. There was, so that emergency was handled and now things are back to being calm. For the moment. |
| Told you so. |
| Told me what? |
Blackassets.rebelmouse.io
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Red assets.rebelmouse.io | Your job is every bit as demanding as a corporate position and, in fact, you use many of the same skill sets. |
| Dealing with markers and paint? You need to get out more. |
| Me? I think it is you that needs to get out more. First, you motivated the girls to help you with the scrapbooks by making it a game. When they started to fight, you demonstrated negotiating skills. And then you dealt with Nick’s emergency. So you can add “quick decision-making in an ever-changing environment” to your resume, along with your financial and time-management skills. |
| You do know that the way you look at things is NOT normal, don’t you? Not that there’s anything wrong with it since it always gives me something to think about, but it’s certainly different. |
| And now you are demonstrating your communication skills. Questioning my thought process, but buffering it with a compliment. |
| Now you’re being a smart-ass. |
| True, but I bet you praised the girls for helping you with the scrapbook project. In all seriousness, you would make a good office manager. |
| I’m not trying to be an office manager. All those things are just part of being a mom. And they happen all the time. That’s my life. |
| A life full of business skills you are taking for granted. |
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Chapter 16: I Have Three Children If You Count My Husband
Even before Red's life was turned upside down, she wanted to be the best mom possible, so often wondered and worried about the best way to raise her girls. And when she was in the midst of her "crisis" (her word, not Black's), her daughters were very young — Sawyer was 1-1/2 years old and Natasha just under 5, although she'd proclaim, "I'm almost 5." (It's funny how "young" is subjective, as at the time Red considered them young, but now "very young".) But as Red turned to Black for "answers" to everything, Black understood one of Red's top priorities was making sure that the girls weren't getting short-changed. Given Black doesn't have any children, Red was amazed to receive what she's referred to as "Some of the best parental advice. Ever." (Black just rolls her eyes.)
P.S. – Looking back, Red claims that Black's advice not only made all the difference at the time but over the years. Somehow, the simple concept of treating kids as "little people" (Black calls them "munchkins"), so with respect and honesty, trusting them with responsibility and giving them credit for understanding and doing the right thing, was the closest thing to a "magical approach" for Red (yes, growing up, she and the girls watched a lot of Disney) that she's ever found. And, surprisingly enough, has even helped her with managing "big people."
| Patience, grasshopper. You also have to remember that when I first started dating Larry, his girls were 7 and 9, so I skipped over the phase you are in. I had dated men with children, but none as young as Larry's, so I was not quite sure how to deal with them. So, I decided to treat them like little people. In fact, that is why I started calling them the "Munchkins," like the little people from The Wizard of Oz. |
| I always wondered about that. Were you the good witch or the bad witch? |
| Neither. I was probably more like the Mayor of Munchkin City. Since I was used to working in a corporate environment, I applied the same people skills. |
| You're kidding, right? |
assets.rebelmouse.io | Not really. For example, anytime I was put in charge of a new department or hired new employees, I tried to be patient because I realized people need time to adjust to a new environment and/or new responsibilities. I did not expect them to "get it" immediately. I always tried to pose things as a request versus making a demand. And, I would ask them what they needed help with versus waiting for them to have a problem. I took the same approach with the Munchkins. |
| That makes a lot of sense. And what about when Larry and you decided to live together? |
| Same basic approach. Plus, by moving into a new house, it provided the perfect opportunity to establish ground rules. I even created a document called "Rules of the House." |
| You had a list of rules? I love it! Can I get a copy? |
| The point is not the list, but the concept. I figured they needed to know what was expected of them in our house versus what they might do in their mom's house or had done in their dad's house. The rules also provided consistency — they knew they would not change each weekend depending on my mood or memory. All the rules were reasonable. In fact, most were common sense. |
| Such as? |
| Flush after you use the toilet. Brush your teeth every morning and night. The piano can only be used with permission. |
| Those are rules in our house, too, but they seem simple enough that I wouldn't think you needed a formal document. |
| True. But, I knew employees basically wanted to please management, so I figured kids wanted to please their parents. I presented most of the rules as things to do — not things not to do. For example, instead of saying "no screaming in the house," I said, "loud screaming is to be done outside only." I looked at the rules as an opportunity for them to achieve and succeed, not as a set of restrictions. It also allowed me to teach them priorities. For example, homework had to be done first thing on Saturday, and there was no television or other activities until it was finished. |
| Now I'm starting to understand. And what happened if they broke any of the rules? |
| Initially, they were reminded of the rule and soon they all became habits, but I never focused on punishing them for breaking a rule. Quite the opposite — they earned their weekend allowance by following the rules. I always found it more effective, with the girls as well as employees and even Larry, to reinforce positive behavior rather than punish bad behavior. It can be as simple as a "thank you," complimenting them on their efforts, or maybe even rewarding a job well done. |
| For someone with no prior training, you seem to have caught on to the parenting job pretty well. |
| How difficult is it to be honest and upfront with people about expectations? And, explain what they need to do or not do? And, acknowledge their efforts? I hate to state the obvious, and I know there is a lot about being a parent that I do not have a clue about, but like I said earlier … children are just little people. |
Chapter 8: It's Time To Take Charge Of The Charge Cards
Red, the straight-A student who loves history, would normally love to engage in a conversation about history. But in the midst of her crisis, preoccupied with trying to deal with her family's financial situation, she didn't have the desire or see the point in getting a history lesson. And from her sister, no less, who hates history. But that should have been Red's first clue that it would be very pragmatic, highly relevant, and "instantly translatable" to her situation and daily life.
P.S. – Black's history lesson would change how Red looked at credit cards, not only then but to this day. And based on feedback from others — men and women of all ages, and even students — something as unexpected as understanding the original purpose of those little plastic cards can dramatically change one’s approach to how to use them. That lesson applies just as much to today’s digital payments, although we both still prefer doing it the old-fashioned way: pulling out an actual card because it acts as a physical reminder
| Quick call. I think it be might be helpful for you to understand the history of credit cards. |
| Whatever happened to "Hello?" I'm trying to come to grips with our own personal credit card history, and even that's more than I want to know. I don't think knowing the history of credit cards is going to help me deal with our personal dilemma. I'm not sure anything will help. |
| I know you feel overwhelmed, and I have no desire to continually look backward, but sometimes understanding history helps you. It did when we looked at the history of your spending habits. |
| It doesn't sound like you're going to drop this, so can you at least make it quick? |
| First, there were gas charge cards, which eventually led to general purpose charge cards, like American Express. Keep in mind these were charge cards, which meant they had to be paid in full every month. They were created as an alternative to having to go to a local Western Union office to wire for money, which is what people did instead of carrying large amounts of cash or trying to cash out-of-state checks. Then in the late 1950's Bank of America issued the first "credit" card — meaning they were extending credit to the cardholder — and initially promoted it to people traveling, in particular salesmen, who could not easily access their home banks. |
| That makes sense. I remember Mommy telling me how when she and Daddy traveled out West in the 1950s for three months, they had to use Western Union to cable Grandma and Grandpa for money on a regular basis. Now this is all very interesting and will be useful if I find myself on a game show, but what, pray tell, does this history lesson have to do with my credit card debt? |
| Patience, grasshopper! The point is credit cards were started as a business tool to save time and provide convenience. Credit cards were NOT initially designed as consumer debt or financial aid. |
| That may not have been the initial plan, but times have changed. Nick and I, and our mountain of credit card debt, are proof of that! |
| True. But if you returned to the original purpose of what credit cards were meant to be — a convenience so that you did not have to write lots of checks or have cash available all the time — you might find that you use your credit cards differently. Rather than looking at them as a line of credit or endless funds to buy things, you would start to view them as simply a convenience tool, nothing more. |
| You mean actually pay off what you spend each month? All the time? Do people do that? It's an interesting concept, though perhaps not very realistic, and an entirely new way of looking at credit cards. |
| Actually, it is a very old way. The original way. And, that is the point I am trying to make. Think about it. Mom and Daddy always paid their credit cards off every month, and even today, Mom only carries about four credit cards, if that many. I think it is important to remember the history — and true purpose — of credit cards. |
It was extremely annoying when Black was always right. Especially when I thought I finally had the better of her, and then, she proved me wrong. Understanding that credit cards weren't originally intended to be used as long-term debt makes a huge difference.
Chapter 5: Open Your Eyes Before Your Wallet
To say that Red fought having to deal with her family's finances is a huge understatement. But she finally summoned up the courage to start looking at their financial situation (well, maybe not so much courage as it was surrendering to Black's insistence) and slowly started working her way through Black's six-step "Where Is Your Money Going" checklist. As she prepares to tackle Step 4: Develop A Realistic Budget, Red gets to break some surprising news to Black about a fond childhood memory.
P.S. – Red rarely gets the "upper hand" in terms of her older sister, Black, and for it to be related to money makes it even sweeter. Yet, she'll admit that for all the enjoyment of getting to "break the news" to Black, she'd have been better off having the same childhood "punishment" as Black.
| OK. I'm ready to tackle Step 4. Is this something we can do via e-mail or do I need to come over and see how you do your budget? |
| Here is where I have to say, "Do as I say, not as I do," because I have not done a personal budget in years. But I can remember my first one. |
| You remember your first budget? You have a strange collection of fond memories! |
| It was when Mom put me on a clothing budget. She gave me an amount I could spend every year and wrote it on a big manila envelope. Every time I bought something, I would deduct that amount from the total and put the receipt in the envelope. I always knew how much was left in my budget, so I never had to ask if I could buy something. Mom was brilliant! |
| [Silence for 5 seconds, followed by a burst of laughter.] You're kidding, right? |
| No, it was brilliant. |
| No, it was a punishment! It wasn't Mommy's way of teaching you about money; it was her way of controlling you. She was tired of you constantly wanting to buy clothing, and so she did it to shut you up. |
| Are you sure? |
| Very. Mommy told me the story many times. You loved expensive clothing, so she came up with a number that was less than she was willing to spend and told you that was your "budget." I only liked cheap stuff, so she never gave me a budget. |
| Then she did you a huge disservice, because whatever the ulterior motive, it was brilliant. Besides teaching me how to budget, it taught me to save for future purchases and motivated me to getpart-time jobs in high school so I would have more money. Which all probably contributed towards making me feel comfortable with finances. I ended up being one of the few women in graduate school majoring in finance and spent the first half of my corporate career in financial planning and budgets. |
| Fine. You live a charmed life! You're the only person I know who could turn a punishment into a career. |
| But remember, I had no idea it was a punishment. Until today. |
| Which I find hilarious. Especially since everything is usually so damn obvious to you. |
Don’t Expect A Compliment From A Sarcastic Sister — But Have A Comeback