Chapter 15: I Need A Warning System

In the midst of Red's "crisis", one of the many things she learned was the importance of communication. But talk about something (pun, intended) that gets lost in day-to-day living, especially when those first months found Red's life turned upside down and she was focused on "fighting fires", so there was little time to talk about day-to-day topics. But Red realized she needed a way for the family to talk about important subjects in a more proactive way than what they'd been doing. And she had come to realize that it needed to be two-way communications, not just parents talking and children expected to listen.

P.S. – When Black first introduced the idea of a family meeting to Red, it was a revelation … the idea that there could be a "neutral" setting that allowed everyone to share thoughts and opinions on topics big and small. So, did family meetings become a regular event at Red's house? It would be nice to say they did, but they didn't. However, the concept resulted in more productive one-on-ones (Black would probably argue those still qualify as meetings) where issues or problems could be tackled in a "safe" environment, and both sides would genuinely listen to the other with an open mind (ok, sometimes it was a semi-open mind). Interestingly, many years later, when Red's girls became young adults, she found they'd have impromptu family meetings, and that made Red smile as it reminded her of Black's initial idea all those years ago.



Red's Head assets.rebelmouse.io


Got a minute?


Black's Head Black assets.rebelmouse.io


Maybe. Depends on the topic. If you are calling about hopes, dreams or birthday gifts, the answer is no.


Red's Head assets.rebelmouse.io


None of the above. I like your idea of sitting down as a family and discussing important issues, like charity. Plus, it will help the girls learn the value of communication. However, I don't want them to think I am lecturing them. Any ideas?


Black's Head Black assets.rebelmouse.io


Call a meeting. That is what I used to do in the corporate world. I would hold a monthly staff meeting with everyone in my department, whether or not there were specific issues or problems to discuss. I would order in pizza or sandwiches for lunch, and we would talk about different things that were impacting the department. Most of the time it was to provide everyone with an understanding of what each of us was working on and/or things we would like to do or do better. There was no right or wrong. It was an informal forum for discussing things where no one felt threatened or was on display.


Red's Head assets.rebelmouse.io


Did you have an agenda? Or was it a free-for-all?


Black's Head Black assets.rebelmouse.io


A bit of both. If there were any specific issues that needed to be addressed, it would be on the agenda; otherwise, it was less structured. And I would usually start the meeting by stating one positive thing the department had accomplished since the last meeting. Then we would go around the table, and everyone would give a brief update of their projects and whether they had issues for discussion or areas of concern. We would write them down and then discuss them. I would end the meeting by coming up with an action item to be accomplished prior to the next meeting.


Red's Head assets.rebelmouse.io


Sounds great for a business meeting but a little too formal for a family.


Black's Head Black assets.rebelmouse.io


You asked a question, and I gave you a suggestion. I did not say it was the perfect solution, but I do think it has potential. I need to talk to Larry about some things that are on my mind, so this "Family Meeting" concept might be useful. Let me think about it and get back to you.

I know I have often questioned how Black's mind worked, but one of the things I like best is that many of her ideas are not things I'd ever think of doing. Sometimes I'm not sure whether they're things anyone else would ever think of doing either. But I was intrigued by the idea of a family meeting — not to mention curious how she planned to use the concept for her own purposes.

Chapter 7: My Husband Gets In Hot Water – I Want To Make Soup!

When Red was in the midst of her crisis and trying to deal with seemingly every aspect of her life, it quickly became obvious that she had been living in an old-fashioned sitcom where life appeared to be perfect. Adjusting to reality wouldn't be easy (now, that could be a sitcom!), especially when one of the biggest adjustments had to do with what she viewed as one of her strong suits – people skills. More specifically, her relationship with her husband because Red's expectations of her husband and her marriage definitely weren't related to reality.

P.S. – Since then, Red has learned about how important it is to have realistic expectations in any relationship, but when it comes to spouses/partners, it's essential. And Black has (finally) gotten her to realize that you need to be honest with yourself (ideally about both you and your partner), so that you set your relationship up for success, not failure. But Red will add a warning … understanding the logic of this mindset and approach is much easier than accepting and implementing it. Although she'll agree with Black that it's worth the effort if it results in a more successful relationship.

E-mail From: Black
Subject: Perception vs. Reality
Sent: Saturday, February 7

Not really, or at least nothing that I know of. But our marriage is not paradise. I went into it knowing I had made trade-offs and compromises. And that is OK. I had no false expectations. But at times I have to stop and ask myself if either of us has changed or whether I have merely forgotten to adjust my thinking for changing circumstances. I always thought Larry and I had the potential to be great together. Not because we were a perfect couple, but because we were an imperfect couple that appreciated our differences.

But when it comes to you and Nick … the two of you need to face reality. Together. As a team.

By the way, how is your house-hunting going? That is a perfect place to start working together. And a lot more productive than wasting the afternoon online with me.


Red's Head assets.rebelmouse.io


I found Black's comment about having a great marriage very interesting since I didn't think it existed in real life. However, her comment got me thinking that maybe my expectations of marriage needed to be adjusted to be more realistic. I guess I was thinking a great or even really good marriage was one where two people were perfect for one another. One where there were never any major issues that tested the relationship. One where problems had obvious and easy answers. One that ran on automatic and didn't require any special effort. OK, so I was living in a fantasy world. Nothing new there!

Chapter 7: My Husband Gets In Hot Water – I Want To Make Soup!

One of the hardest lessons Red had to learn during her crisis (partially because she was adamantly resisting it) was one that Black couldn't believe she didn't already know – that marriage (and relationships) isn't all flowers and romantic dinners, but is about teamwork, with an emphasis on work. As well as realizing that life isn't fair, which means teamwork can be 50-50 one day and 90-10 the next.

P.S. – Over the years, Red learned that the concept of teamwork applies to families, not just marriages. Although she sometimes gets so focused on the challenges of being a single mom that she forgets Black's analogy about teamwork. So, falls back into the habit of acting (remember, she was a theater major) the martyr rather than being part of a team that works together.



Black's Head Black assets.rebelmouse.io


… Stop complaining that your life is no longer perfect. Shut up, suck it up and work at it.


Red's Head assets.rebelmouse.io


Thanks for the sugar coating! And for the record, I don't mind the work. What I mind is that I feel like I'm the only one working.


Black's Head Black assets.rebelmouse.io


That is because you are doing more than you are used to doing and you do not think Nick is doing anything extra.


Red's Head assets.rebelmouse.io


True. And I don't think it's fair!


Black's Head Black assets.rebelmouse.io


Yes, it is. It all averages out. The first few years I was racing the Ferrari, my crew did not have to do much to the car on race weekends. Basically "nut and bolt" her, fill her with fuel, and clean the windshield. The car was new, I kept my nose clean and stayed out of accidents and away from the walls. Then late one afternoon I had a minor "sharing of paint" with someone, and they needed to stay late and work on the car. I apologized to the crew. My crew chief, Scott, explained that was their job. The fact that it had been easy up until then was fine, but they were always prepared to do whatever it took to keep my car racing. A marriage is no different.

Red's Head assets.rebelmouse.io


I don't think you can compare racing a Ferrari to a marriage. One is an expensive hobby, and one is your life!
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Chapter 8: It's Time To Take Charge Of The Charge Cards

Red, the straight-A student who loves history, would normally love to engage in a conversation about history. But in the midst of her crisis, preoccupied with trying to deal with her family's financial situation, she didn't have the desire nor see the point in getting a history lesson. And from her sister, no less, who hates history. But that should have been Red's first clue that it would be very pragmatic, highly relevant, and "instantly translatable" to her situation and daily life.

P.S. – Black's history lesson would change how Red looked at credit cards, not only then but to this day. And based on feedback from others (men and women of all ages, and even students), something as unexpected as understanding the original purpose of those little plastic cards (and now mobile wallets, although we both still do it the old-fashioned way) can dramatically change one's perspective on how to use them.



Black's Head Black assets.rebelmouse.io


Quick call. I think it be might be helpful for you to understand the history of credit cards.


Red's Head assets.rebelmouse.io


What ever happened to "Hello?" I'm trying to come to grips with our own personal credit card history, and even that's more than I want to know. I don't think knowing the history of credit cards is going to help me deal with our personal dilemma. I'm not sure anything will help.


Black's Head Black assets.rebelmouse.io


I know you feel overwhelmed, and I have no desire to continually look backwards, but sometimes understanding history helps you. It did when we looked at the history of your spending habits.


Red's Head Red assets.rebelmouse.io


It doesn't sound like you're going to drop this, so can you at least make it quick?
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