Chapter 5: Open Your Eyes Before Your Wallet
To say that Red fought having to deal with her family finances is a huge understatement. But she finally summoned up the courage to start looking at their financial situation (well, maybe not so much courage as it was surrendering to Black's insistence) and slowly starts working her way through Black's six step "Where Is Your Money Going" checklist. As she prepares to tackle Step 4: Develop A Realistic Budget, Red gets to break some surprising news to Black about a fond childhood memory.
P.S. – Red rarely gets the "upper hand" in terms of her older sister, Black, and for it to be related to money makes it even sweeter. Yet, she'll admit that for all the enjoyment of getting to "break the news" to Black, she'd have been better off having the same childhood "punishment" as Black.
| OK. I'm ready to tackle Step 4. Is this something we can do via e-mail or do I need to come over and see how you do your budget? |
| Here is where I have to say, "Do as I say, not as I do," because I have not done a personal budget in years. But I can remember my first one. |
| You remember your first budget? You have a strange collection of fond memories! |
| It was when Mom put me on a clothing budget. She gave me an amount I could spend every year and wrote it on a big manila envelope. Every time I bought something, I would deduct that amount from the total and put the receipt in the envelope. I always knew how much was left in my budget, so I never had to ask if I could buy something. Mom was brilliant! |
| [Silence for 5 seconds, followed by a burst of laughter.] You're kidding, right? |
| No, it was brilliant. |
| No, it was a punishment! It wasn't Mommy's way of teaching you about money; it was her way of controlling you. She was tired of you constantly wanting to buy clothing, and so she did it to shut you up. |
| Are you sure? |
| Very. Mommy told me the story many times. You loved expensive clothing, so she came up with a number that was less than she was willing to spend and told you that was your "budget." I only liked cheap stuff, so she never gave me a budget. |
| Then she did you a huge disservice, because whatever the ulterior motive, it was brilliant. Besides teaching me how to budget, it taught me to save for future purchases and motivated me to get part-time jobs in high school so I would have more money. Which all probably contributed towards making me feel comfortable with finances. I ended up being one of the few women in graduate school majoring in finance and spent the first half of my corporate career in financial planning and budgets. |
| Fine. You live a charmed life! You're the only person I know who could turn a punishment into a career. |
| But remember, I had no idea it was a punishment. Until today. |
| Which I find hilarious. Especially since everything is usually so damn obvious to you. |
Chapter 18: Whine Or Lemonade? Your Choice
In the midst of Red’s crisis (her word, not Black’s), when she was finally learning about money (at the age of 40+!), she was shocked to discover that her sister, Black, secretly paid for half the cost of a Ferrari engine even though she was married to an extremely wealthy man. But for Red, what stood out the most in the conversation was Black explaining how, for her, racing is an analogy to life.
P.S. – At the time, Red just listened politely as she found it difficult, almost impossible, to equate how racing a Ferrari at speeds exceeding 150 miles an hour had anything to do with life. Especially as, back then, her “driving” experiences consisted of carpool lines, playing chauffeur for her daughters, and loading Labradoodles into her “Mom car” for trips to the vet. But today, Red will tell you how that analogy has stuck with her all these years and is probably one of the most powerful of Black’s many (seemingly endless?) racing analogies.
| … my overall spending is related to boredom. The money is filling a void … not making me happy. Yes — racing makes me happy. For many reasons. I have thought about it a lot in the last few weeks. The key is knowing why you are spending money and what you are getting in return. |
| And what have you figured out? |
| That racing is an analogy to life. |
Black
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red head
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| I can’t wait to hear this! Please go on. |
| When you race, you have to keep your eyes up and look down the track. You look way ahead in order to be prepared. There is not much you can do about the next corner because it is coming too quickly. It is a commitment you have already made. You see it in your peripheral vision, but you are focused on the things you can change. On the next lap, you focus on improving what you did last time. For example, if you screwed up a corner, you do something differently. You learn from your mistakes. |
| And when do you stop and smell the roses? And enjoy what you have? |
| Every time I climb in the race car. Every time I hit a perfect apex. Every time I improve my lap times. Every time I think about how fortunate I am to be able to race. |
| Pretty expensive roses! |
| Agree. But we can afford it, so it is not wasted money … unless, of course, I do something stupid and wreck the car. Which may explain why I am not faster. I never really put the car at risk. I guess I am trying to race cost-effectively. |
| Sorry, but there’s no way you’re going to get me to believe there’s a cost-effective way to race a Ferrari! So don’t even try. Go to dinner. |
Chapter 12: Desserts Spelled Backwards Is Stressed. And Vice Versa.
It’s a new year, and many (Red included) make resolutions to lose weight and exercise more. But Red knows that for moms, taking care of ourselves often falls by the wayside as we prioritize taking care of others. Over the years, Black has repeatedly pointed out to Red that self-care, including being heart-healthy, may seem selfish, but better positions her to be there for others when they need her. Although sometimes Black needs to remind her,
When it comes to taking care of yourself, I have two words for you … airplane analogy.
The last thing Red needed in the middle of her "crisis" (her husband being unexpectedly fired) was to get sick, but that's exactly what happened. (Is there ever a good time to get sick?) And although she had walking pneumonia, her instinct as a mom was to put the needs of others, especially her children, ahead of her own. Luckily, Black, being pragmatic and unemotional, knew the advice she was about to give her sister would initially seem counterintuitive, so included what she hoped would be a memorable analogy …
| You must be joking. Dr. Fields means well but doesn't understand that doing nothing is a luxury right now — not an option. |
| Well, "Wonder Woman," I think it is you that does not understand. It is not an option. It is a necessity. Let Nick handle things for a few days. Trust me, everyone will survive. |
| But there are so many things I need to do. Life doesn't stop just because I'm sick. |
| True. But the bottom line is that unless you take care of yourself, you will not be able to take care of your family. |
| I understand the logic, but it's difficult for me to just stop and crawl into bed, as much as that's what I want to do. I feel like I'm letting the family down. I'm not trying to sound like "Wonder Woman," I'm just being honest. |
| Let me give you an analogy. If you were on an airplane with the girls and you lost altitude and the oxygen masks came down, would you put the mask on yourself first or the girls? |
| I'm not sure I feel up to one of your stupid quizzes. |
| Humor me. Answer the question. |
| OK. They say that adults should put their mask on first and then help their children, though I must admit I have never understood that since my instinct as a mom is to help my child first. Did I pass or fail? |
| Airline one, Red zero. The airline knows it is in the best interest of the child for the adult to be safe and secure. If the adult is not stable and calm, then helping a scared, helpless child is going to be extremely difficult. |
| Great. The next time I'm on an airplane and the oxygen masks fall down, I'll remember this conversation. But what exactly is the point you're trying to make? Maybe it's the fever, but I don't understand. |
| If you do not take care of yourself and you get sicker, then you will be of no use to anyone. For now, that means following doctor's orders and taking a few days to rest. But even after you get over this, you need to start taking some time for yourself to make sure that you stay healthy – both physically and mentally – so that you can be there for everyone that needs you. Get off the computer and climb into bed. Now! EOM |
FYI, EOM = Black uses EOM to indicate "end of message" ... in this case, to tell Red they've come to the end and there's nothing more to be said.
Chapter 15: I Need A Warning System
| I know we first posted this excerpt earlier this year, but now seems the perfect time to repeat it. First of all, it’s always a good time to think of others, and never more so than right now – between natural disasters (Florida will be dealing with the aftermath of Hurricane Ian for a long time) and the holidays (including Giving Tuesday) being just around the corner. And, I have no doubt that if Black were here, she’d probably tell you about the science proving helping others is good for you. (And recommend the book “Wonder Drug: 7 Scientifically Proven Ways That Serving Others Is the Best Medicine for Yourself“ because I know she’s been buying it for people.) But Black’s not here, which is another reason to rerun this post. Although she might not appreciate me telling you she’s at The Make-A-Wish Foundation national conference in Orlando, Florida, as she prefers to keep her involvement “under the radar” as much as possible. (One exception was when she agreed to be MC at the recent dedication of the Make-A-Wish Teresa E. Andrepont building.) I know this might sound ironic as Black’s personality is neither shy nor unassuming, but when it comes to charity and her decades-long involvement with Make-A-Wish, Black doesn’t do it for the recognition … she does it for the Wish kids. |
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Typically, when Red asked Black questions, she received questions in return. Or flippant comments. When Red asked her about charity, and specifically Make-A-Wish, she got straight answers, and that alone got Red’s attention. Before this conversation, Red thought her sister’s involvement with Make-A-Wish was very generous, both of her time and her money, but attributed much of it to the fact she had surpluses of both in her life. But once Black made her realize that her involvement went back to her corporate life, years when she might have had spare money but was working ridiculous hours, Red gained a new respect for Black’s commitment. But when Black said how it had become her “reality check” on life, Red began to understand that we all need something to help us remember what’s genuinely important.
P.S. – Charity and helping others remain an important part of our lives (and, much to the chagrin of our accountants and attorneys, drive much of our work in the education and criminal justice worlds). Black’s long-time commitment to Make-A-Wish set an example for Red’s daughters when they were growing up, and made them aware of how important it is to not only appreciate what you have but to think of others. And whether it’s an ongoing commitment to a single organization, helping various charities throughout the year, celebrating targeted donation days (such as #GivingTuesday or World Wish Day), or when specific natural disasters or humanitarian needs require immediate aid, charitable giving (whether money or time) – can make all the difference. Not only to the recipient, but as Black pointed out to Red all those years ago, for yourself.
| I’m curious about something, though. As children, we were never exposed to charity, so what got you involved with Make-A-Wish? Even Natasha has asked me about Make-A-Wish, because she has seen the kids’ artwork at your house and recognizes the logo from seeing it on your race car. |
| It was years ago. I was invited to play in a Make-A-Wish golf tournament, and at the dinner some of the kids came out and told their Wish stories. They mentioned their illnesses and the doctors and the hospitals in passing — as if it was just a minor detail in their stories. But when they talked about their wishes, it was with such excitement and pure happiness that it was overwhelming. A few weeks earlier, I had received a huge bonus at work and so I was feeling flush with cash, and when I saw the power of a wish — the hope, the joy, the strength it could provide — it made me look at money in a totally different way. When you meet children who are seriously ill and you realize no amount of money can “fix the problem,” but yet something as simple as wishing for a puppy or to meet a celebrity can make such a huge difference in their lives, then you are reminded of what is really important in life. And what is not. |
| Wow. I don’t think I have ever heard you this passionate about anything. |
| Probably not. Make-A-Wish has been an important part of my life for a long time. I know I am very fortunate in many respects, but sometimes I get wrapped up in day-to-day life and forget that. I may have problems with one of the cars, or I am annoyed with Larry, or it is just a bad day, Make-A-Wish reminds me that my problems or frustrations are minuscule in the scheme of things. |
| This is a side of you that I rarely see. I’m impressed. And proud. |
| Thanks, but Make-A-Wish does far more for me than I do for them. Partly as a substitute for not having children of my own, but more importantly as my reality check on life. It is my constant reminder of what is important. And although I may not be able to cure the kids, the fact I can make their lives a little better by helping grant wishes is the least — the very least — I can do in return. |