| Curiosity question: Since Sawyer is 17, I know that she is too oldto be a camper at Heart O' the Hills thissummer, but is she planning to be aHeart-Lite? |
| Where havethe years gone?! It seems like onlyyesterday that we had to convince them to let herattend whenshe was "almost six" and now she's old enough to be anassistant counselor. |
| True, but that does notanswer my question. |
| She submittedthe application and a phone interview has been scheduled.But what prompted your question? |
| I received an email fromthem describing their new leadership team, includingsome of this summer'scounselors, and I thought about the great resume value for those individuals. |
| That's not why Sawyer's doing it. She just loves camp– the activitiesand the friends she's made, especially the"little ones" that she got to be "big sister" to. From the very beginning, she'salways talked about hoping to be a counselor one day. |
| I have alwaysbeen impressed by her ability – and passion – to teach and to mentor, whether at camp,at volleyball,or with the Special Olympics team. And, even though I only attend a few volleyball games each year, herleadership skills are very obvious. No wonder she has been named team captain the last two years. |
| Funny yousay that, as other parents have commented to me about that, too. I know that asher mom I'm biased, but I'm so proud of her this year. Not only is she "playingup" and on the team for 18-year-olds and developing her technical skills, butshe's really excelling at strategic thinking and team-building. |
| From what you have told me, she is extremely dependableand her teammates trust and rely onher.Thatis critical. Asare the ability to communicate and resolve conflict. |
| She seems to have all those traits,although I can't take any credit for them. Shemust have been born that way. Notto mention, she didn't inherit her athletic skills fromme, either. |
| I do not havethe time for a nature versus nurture conversation, but hard work and focused efforts can go a long way. |
| Maybe in terms ofathletics, but I think being aleader is something you're naturally born to be or not. |
| Idisagree. I think it is easier to learn to be a good leader than to be a goodathlete. |
| Thenexplain why I was more of a natural at golf than you, but you ended up a bettergolfer. |
| BecauseI needed it to advance my career. So, I took lessons andworked at it. Plus, I ammuch more competitive than you. |
| Nowthere's an understatement. But you're definitely a natural leader. |
| I have todisagree again. After business school, I did well in positions where I workedindependently. Icould analyze any situation,spit out a bunch of ideas and suggestions, andget them implemented. But, thenI wanted to move to the next assignment. Unfortunately, rather than using me as in-house consultant, I was promoted into management. |
| Wasn't thata good thing? |
| Except thatI was totally unprepared. |
| So, what did you do? |
| I lookedaround the company and found senior management that I admired and respected.Then, Iemulatedtheir style and approach. |
| Are you saying that youpretended to be someone you weren't? |
| Have you never heard theadage, "Fake it until you make it?" There is actually science supporting theconcept, buttheinteresting part is that, along the way, I learned the difference betweenmanagement and leadership. |
| There'sa difference? |
| Managing is telling people what to do,how to do it, and then expecting them to do it.Leadingisshowing by example. Would you rather follow someone or"obey" them? I witnessed that the true leaders were open to ideas, they were patient andempathetic, and they provided timely communication, effective feedback, and positivereinforcement. All powerful traits that can be learned. |
| Well, I have to tell you, based on your description, most of thevolleyball coaches I've seen over the years havebeen managers,not leaders. |
| I would be interested to know if that is a function of the level of theteam. Is there a difference in coaching stylewhen you get to the best nationally rankedclub teams? What about at the collegiate level? |
| Good questions. I'd guesshaving better players helps, too. |
| Yes, buteven with "better" employees, just demanding them to "do better" will not getthe sameresult as inspiringthem to do so. Funny thing is that I was just trying todo my job better, but by helping them do their jobs better, we all benefited. |
| Well, itsounds like Sawyer's leadership skills will one day be invaluable in theworkplace. But I'd love toknow where she learned them. |
| Probably from you. |
| Seriously? I findit very hard to believe that you think of me as a leader. |
| Do you demand things ofthe girls? Or, do you ask and then take the time to explain why? Do you follow throughon the expectations and rules you have set? Do you takeresponsibility for your actions and expect them to do the same? Do you provide them withpositive feedback or only just find fault?Even when you think you are right, are you willing to listen notonly to their perspective, but also theirideas and suggestions? Areyou willing to admit when you are wrong? Shall I continue? |
| No! You made your point. I guess I just see these as good mom skills, not leadership traits. |
| But, it is not an either-or situation. Those same traits can be used to be successful at home, at work, even as avolunteer. Thinkabout the parents who are part of the PTA or who are littleleague coaches. Leadershipskills are transferable. And, definitely can be learned, and taught. |
| Wow, I never realized there are somany similarities between leadershipand parenting. But I can see where they're each both challenging,yet highlyrewarding. |
| Agree, butI would venture to guess that parenting is much more difficult. |
| Now, that I was never expecting. |
| Whatever. |
Want to read other columns? Here's a list.
Design by Sawyer Pennington, Underlying photo by Ye Jinghan on Unsplash
Second Chance Month may almost be over, but giving someone a second chance, especially for those who’ve been on the wrong side of the law, shouldn’t end when April does. Because we’ve all made mistakes, and a second chance is a gift that can make all the difference, as Red dramatically learned below …
| I had no idea that April was “Second Chance Month” until you sent me the official proclamation. I find it interesting that in the midst of juggling our usual million and one Red & Black things, your interest in criminal justice, which I know you consider a “passion project”, is as strong as ever, maybe even stronger. |
| It is not intentional, sometimes “passion projects” find you. And, when you least expect it. |
| Or where you least expect it! Only you would take a “field trip” to a men’s prison. |
| I will not get on my soapbox about how our education system contributes to the criminal justice problem. I will never forget a friend of mine who was formerly incarcerated telling me, “Rehabilitating people makes the assumption they were habilitated in the first place.” |
| When you stop and think about that statement, it’s pretty powerful! But I have to smile as once upon a time you, and I, used words like “offenders” and “prisoners” until we learned how our choice of words could be dehumanizing. |
| Says the woman who once believed in the idea of “lock ’em up and throw away the key”. |
red headassets.rebelmouse.io
Blackassets.rebelmouse.io
Blackassets.rebelmouse.io | That was before! I know you told me that just because someone made a bad decision, it didn’t make them a bad person, but it sounded like a cliche. Now, my opinion is based on our experience and the impact we’ve seen. The feedback has been eye-opening. Unfortunately, life doesn’t come with “do-overs.” |
| Exactly. None of us are perfect. We have all made bad decisions. Second chances are about opportunities to show we have learned from our mistakes. |
| Well, I know I have. Obviously, not anything illegal. But it made me determined to teach my daughters what I had learned. Probably one of the most heartwarming parts of the feedback we’ve received is that so many people on the inside want better – not only for themselves, but for their children and grandchildren. |
| Yes, which is why having a second chance is so critical. And, helping set people up for success, not failure, because it is about more than changing the lives of the formerly incarcerated -- it can change the lives of their families and, in turn, our communities and our country. |
| A ripple effect that could mean more people may get it right the first time and not need a second chance. |
| True. Maybe we should look at it as giving society a second chance … |
We first ran the post below five years ago, and we’re glad April’s no longer Autism Awareness Month but now is Autism Acceptance Month. Especially as autism seems to have become more commonplace (partially due to improved diagnosis, but also less stigma). Most important, though, is learning about autism, including how to talk about it in a non-judgmental way … because that’s what helps all of us move from awareness to acceptance.
| Did you know that April's Autism Awareness Month? I wasn't aware (pun intended) of it until I read our local homeowner's monthly newsletter and it caught my eye. |
| Actually, last month the founding organization, the Autism Society, changed "Awareness "to "Acceptance" to foster inclusivity, as knowing about something is very different from accepting it. But I am guessing that is not the point of this call. |
| Although it isn't autism, it reminded me of years ago when we found out that Natasha has learning disabilities. |
| I think you mean DIFF-abilities. |
| Of course, that's another thing I remember. I was focused on the negative aspects of her diagnosis until you asked me, point-blank, "Why are they called disabilities?" And proceeded to explain that everyone has different strengths and weaknesses. |
| Exactly! Imagine the world if everyone excelled at math, but flunked English. Or, a world of lawyers, but no musicians. Some people are better at social skills, while others excel at handling technical data. Why not just say that people who have different skillsets and abilities have DIFF-abilities versus making them feel like they have shortcomings? |
| I know that you completely changed my way of thinking, not only about Natasha but about the concept of "disabilities" full stop. It opened my eyes – and my brain – about how just because someone has challenges or limited abilities in some areas, that doesn't mean they don't have different gifts and strengths in other areas. |
| Exactly. Although autism is a "spectrum condition" meaning it affects people differently and to varying degrees, it is a complex developmental disorder that can affect a person's social skills, and ability to communicate and interact with others. However, autistic people usually possess some extremely valuable traits that are rare in non-autistic people. |
| Which is why it frustrates me that so many people feel like those with disabilities, excuse me DIFF-abilities, are "lesser" people. When Natasha was diagnosed, she was in her teens and already had a very strong personality (no doubt inherited from you) and, luckily, seemed to have an innate understanding that she was just different, not better, not worse, than others. I guess one of the biggest challenges is to get others to see things with the same mindset. |
| We are a story-telling society, and there are countless stories of people with DIFF-abilities, including those with autism, that are eye-opening and more powerful than anything we could ever say. |
| Funny you say that, as I was curious to learn more about autism and found some inspiring quotes (including a wonderful Tom Hanks clip) that not only gave me great insight but made me smile. One of my favorites was how Paul Collins, an author and parent of an autistic child, said, "Autists are the ultimate square pegs, and the problem with pounding a square peg into a round hole is not that the hammering is hard work. It's that you're destroying the peg." That's such a great way to describe not only those with autism but any disability. |
| Well, technically, it will fit, but it requires that the diameter of the circle be larger than the diagonal of the square. Basic geometry. But, I understand Paul Collin's point. |
| Talk about DIFF-abilities! Couldn't you just agree with me? |
| The thought never crossed my mind. |
Don’t Expect A Compliment From A Sarcastic Sister — But Have A Comeback
After decades away from golf, Red decided she wanted to start playing again. On a recent Sunday, after going to the driving range, she met up with Black. And the very first thing Black said to her? “So, are you wearing white pantyhose?” They both laughed, but hours later, Red realized the perfect reply (don’t you hate when that happens?) would have been, “No, but I’m honoring Skin Cancer Awareness Month!" Confused? Then read one of Red's favorite posts ...
I'll never forget the day. It was an "almost" ordinary day out on the golf course with my mom and dad during the heat of a Long Island summer. Now, if "Long Island" conjures up images of stately manors on the North Shore (think "Great Gatsby") or beachfront mansions in the Hamptons (think Robin Leach and his popular show "Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous"), you can put those out of your head. I'm not talking about some fancy country club golf course, just a regular public course.
I loved the game ever since I learned to play as a teenager, and although I never got to play while at college (Wake Forest, which was renowned for its golf program, with its most famous alumni being Arnold Palmer), I'd try to get out as often as possible when I was home. I wasn't a phenomenal player but had a decent game and natural talent. And most of the time, I hit it pretty straight, so one of the things I enjoyed was walking down the middle of the fairway, pulling my clubs along (no fancy golf carts on this course), appreciating the day and the sport.
On one (very rare) occasion, my sister came back to New York to visit, as she moved out of state as soon as she graduated from business school. She also played golf, but unlike me, who relied on natural ability and played for fun, she worked extremely hard at her game, was overly competitive, and played "business golf". The result was that she was a far better player than me, although I was holding my own on that day.
As Black often says, the scorecard contains only numbers, no editorial. And it would ultimately show that she'd beat me, but as we were each walking up one of the last holes toward our respective balls, in the heat of a late summer afternoon, with the sun at our backs, I was secretly hoping that she'd be proud of me. So, after I hit my fairway shot onto the green, I heard her call out to me, and my hopes were high,
I wasn't sure whether to laugh, cry, or be angry. Or to just roll my eyes as it really was something only my sister would say. And to this day, I'm not even sure if she had even noticed how close I came to beating her and how well I played – "upping" my game driven by her much better game.
But I also know that I can never look down at my very pale legs without laughing just a little at how a lifetime ago (or so it seems), she was so right. Recently, when she treated me to my first pair of Birkenstocks, I stood in the store trying them on, and before she had a chance to say it I told her … Yes, I do look like I have on white hose.
P. S. – I feel it only fair (pun intended) to have a P.S. for a P.S.A. – Long ago, the harm of the summer sun wasn't as well known, but in the years since, we've learned how important sunblock is. Year-round. So, whether you're a redhead who never tans (I used to cycle between being extremely pale and burning red and back again) or someone who does tan, take care of your skin!