We're re-running this post because as long as there are parents and children, there will be the "disagreement" of nagging vs. trying to help.
Plus, this is one of Red's favorite posts as, being a mom, she faces this challenge almost daily. (Or, at least that's what her girls would say!) Black believes it applies to spouses, too (as does the underlying behavioral science)!
| I feel like I should just turn this over to Black since I'm a mom to two daughters and they'd agree with your daughter in terms of moms and nagging. But how about some advice from my younger daughter?! She's told me, on more than one occasion, that it would be better if I didn't feel the need to say something over and over again, that instead of nagging her, say it once maybe twice, then wait a while and see if she needs another reminder. Or maybe even ask her when to remind her. Which is great advice! But I have to tell you, as a mom, that's so hard to actually do, although it does work. |
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As Red knows, I prefer to ask questions than to give answers. My question for you is, "Would you be more
inclined to do something if you were told to or because you were motivated to?"
For example, you could "nag" and say, "You keep telling me you are going to find a job, but you do not even fill out the applications." Or, you could ask a useful question, "I know you want to find a job. What ideas do you have as to how to accomplish that?" It is the difference between nagging and asking questions. When someone wants to do something, it is more likely to happen. But do not believe me … it is actually a proven technique, called Motivational Interviewing, and it works – even for mothers and daughters. |
FULL QUESTION: Do you have any tips for looking “nice” during the heat of the summer? And for going into fall since it’s still hot?
Well, technically, July may be the hottest month (and this year it was record-setting hot), but given August is still “too darn hot” (we love the musical number), and it will probably run into September, we thought we’d rerun this “Ask Red & Black” …
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I'm laughing because I suspect Black would argue that I
rarely look "nice" in the sense that I rarely "dress up". Even before the pandemic, unless I had a Red
& Black business meeting or speaking engagement, my normal "look" was that
of super comfy – workout or very casual clothing and minimal makeup. Here in Texas, where the heat and humidity are
oppressive, I'm always looking for tips because the moment you step outside,
you're going to start sweating, your
makeup will drip, and your hair will either frizz or wilt (neither's
a good look for me). So, I keep my
skincare simple and summer-friendly – extremely lightweight, tinted facial
moisturizer with a high SPF (so I only need a single product) and waterproof
mascara.
I've never been very creative when managing my long hair for the summer, but my daughter let me in on a secret when she straightened my hair for me. Unlike my rushed approach, she took an extra 10 minutes to do it in smaller sections, which looked great when my hair was down but, amazingly, even made my ponytail look "finished". Taking a little more time to do it right makes a huge difference as now my hair stands up to the heat and humidity. (Good news is she's always willing to do it for me, bad news is that she goes to college in a few months, so I'll have to learn how to do it myself.) |
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When I started racing cars in the mid-1990s, I cut my hair very
short so I could easily style it with some water and hair goo when I removed my
helmet, which makes it perfect for summer. (Plus, I calculated that I could
save over 10 hours/month, or five full days a year, by not dealing with my
hair.)
In terms of clothing, it is a function of where you are going or where you work (obviously, if you are in the banking industry, you will dress very differently than someone who works for a design or marketing firm). For the last few decades, I have worn the same "uniform" – dark slacks or jeans, white shirt, blazer, and colorful Hermès shawl. In the summer, I select pieces that are light-colored, loose-fitting, and breathable fabrics, but if I had to give one tip, it would be to wear layers since going in and out of air-conditioning can be a challenge, although I see it as a fashion opportunity. In fact, that is how my "signature" shawls started as, regardless of the season, I would always have one with me to handle changes in temperature. |
In honor of Milkman Day (yes, that’s a “thing”), we’re running one of Red’s favorite “Ask Red & Black” posts. A post she’s often reminded of because she took Black’s advice about milk bottles …
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Funny you
should ask, as I was recently getting ready for a
garage sale of our mom’s things and came across an old metal carrying
basket that I think is for milk bottles.
Although my memory of our
milkman
is that he left the milk bottles in a small rectangular metal box outside our
front door.
Anyway, my best memory of fresh milk, especially chocolate milk, was going to Dairy Barn with our dad. It was a drive-through; we’d return the old bottles, get our deposit back, and pick up new ones. I have to admit that when my mom started to get milk at our local Waldbaum’s (anyone growing up on Long Island will remember them) in paper cartons, I thought it was a little sad. Plus, I didn’t think the milk tasted as good. Recently, when I saw some old-fashioned milk bottles from 1836 Farms at my local Kroger, although it was more expensive, I bought one just because it reminded me of my youth. In fact, when I initially told Black I wasn’t sure I wanted to spend that much on milk, she suggested I could reuse the bottle as a vase. And it always makes me smile! |
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Since you mentioned your grandmother, which makes me feel
old, you may have to ask her to explain what we meant when we teased Red, a
redhead in a family of brunettes, of being the “
milkman’s
daughter
”. Looking back, “milkmen” and dairy delivery services were ahead of their time. They delivered milk as well as other dairy products, and seem to be a precursor to Instacart, Amazon Fresh , and all the food delivery services . Not to mention, it was a way to reuse the glass milk bottles (remember, this was decades before recycling was a “thing”). Regardless, when we taught at KIPP Houston High School , I asked our students if they had ever heard of a milkman. (Most had not.) And then (of course), I followed up with an assortment of other questions … Can jobs become obsolete? What creates new opportunities? Do you think there may be jobs in the future that no one has ever heard of yet? What can you do to be prepared? So, if nothing else, I hope the milkman makes you stop and think … |
Red
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Black
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FULL QUESTION: My son’s going off to college but doesn’t know what he wants to study. Is that a problem? Here’s an update.
When we ran this question two years ago, Red’s daughter was starting college. Reviewing this, she says her answer remains the same. As does Black’s …
When we ran this question two years ago, Red’s daughter was starting college. Reviewing this, she says her answer remains the same. As does Black’s …
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In a word, no! And
that comes from someone who knew what I wanted to study (theater), but even
though I graduated with honors, I proceeded to do absolutely nothing with
it. The good news is my daughter, who
seems to have
grown up in the
blink of an eye
, learned from my mistakes. She's going off to college in the fall, and I'd
love to share some of what was discussed at orientation last week.
It's funny because it was, in many ways, a recap of so many of Black's soapboxes, which I've come to understand, appreciate, and completely agree with. The primary message was that it's important to prepare students with skills, but how shaping them as individuals of character (one of my soapboxes ever since I read the book "A Question Of Character: A Life About John F. Kennedy" that, although written almost 25 years ago, may be even more relevant today) with the ability to think critically was even more important. Especially as we don't know what the future holds in terms of new (or changed, or even obsolete) careers. |
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Red and I had
very different approaches to college, and while she was the "better
student" in terms of grades, she looked at her college degree as the
objective. Whereas I saw college as a
step along the way, so approached it with a very different mindset and
perspective. I was open to learning new
things and exploring opportunities. And,
I focused as much on developing
soft skills as I did technical skills, as I recognized those
skills would always be necessary – both professionally and personally. I also realized that learning never ends and
now, at 60+ years old, am still committed to being a
lifelong learner.
More specifically, in terms of your son, college is an excellent opportunity for him to take classes that he thinks he might enjoy or even classes he has never been exposed to before. Plus, internships and volunteer work are great ways to get experience and help decide the direction he may want to go (or not go). Along the way, he should network as that, along with school counselors and professors, will help him gain insight into future career paths (and be valuable in other ways). |
