My daughter keeps telling me to stop nagging her. But I’m just trying to help her. Can you help me? (2.0)
We're re-running this post because as long as there are parents and children, there will be the "disagreement" of nagging vs. trying to help.
Plus, this is one of Red's favorite posts as, being a mom, she faces this challenge almost daily. (Or, at least that's what her girls would say!) Black believes it applies to spouses, too (as does the underlying behavioral science)!
|I feel like I should just turn this over to Black since I'm a mom to two daughters and they'd agree with your daughter in terms of moms and nagging. But how about some advice from my younger daughter?! She's told me, on more than one occasion, that it would be better if I didn't feel the need to say something over and over again, that instead of nagging her, say it once maybe twice, then wait a while and see if she needs another reminder. Or maybe even ask her when to remind her. Which is great advice! But I have to tell you, as a mom, that's so hard to actually do, although it does work.|
As Red knows, I prefer to ask questions than to give answers. My question for you is, "Would you be more
inclined to do something if you were told to or because you were motivated to?"
For example, you could "nag" and say, "You keep telling me you are going to find a job, but you do not even fill out the applications." Or, you could ask a useful question, "I know you want to find a job. What ideas do you have as to how to accomplish that?"
It is the difference between nagging and asking questions. When someone wants to do something, it is more likely to happen. But do not believe me … it is actually a proven technique, called Motivational Interviewing, and it works – even for mothers and daughters.
Do you celebrate St. Patrick’s Day?
Absolutely! Even though I’m not Irish, although growing
up, many people thought I was because of my
red hair. Regardless, I’ve always looked forward to St. Patrick’s Day
and celebrate it the same way I did growing up in New York – with corned
beef, cabbage, and potatoes
. It was one of my favorite dinners then, and it still is, and my
daughters feel the same way. Neither one
of them will be home this year, but I’ll still be cooking a big pot of it and savoring
the leftovers for days.
Plus, and I’m sure Black will roll her eyes, I “dress up” our 5-foot standing stuffed bear that “lives” in the front hallway in his St. Patrick’s Day outfit. (Throughout the year, the bear’s outfit changes with each “significant” holiday – a family tradition that started when my girls were very young.)
Considering Red loves history, I am surprised
that she did not mention
history behind St. Patrick’s
or that St.
Patrick, the patron saint of Ireland, was neither Irish nor a Saint.
And, given Red's love of bagels, I
am shocked she did not mention that our local bagel shop would always make green
ones to celebrate the holiday.
How do I celebrate? I have always been a clotheshorse, so it is easy just to wear something green. Growing up, it was not that I was conforming to the tradition of wearing green so leprechauns could not see me; it was because many boys in school looked for any “legitimate” excuse to pinch girls, and I refused to give them that opportunity. Over the years, as I collected Hermes shawls (you can see them in the background in Selfish,Shallow … And Svelte?), I would grab one that had green and call it a day. St. Patrick’s Day.
You don’t have to be Irish to celebrate St. Patrick’s Day – whether with food and drink (does green beer taste different?), wearing green, thoughts of leprechauns and good luck, or just taking a few minutes to enjoy these Irish quotes.
Can an act of kindness really make a difference?
making me stop and think about this. I
realized that on the days that when I’m out and I’m not feeling totally stressed
or in a rush to do a million and one things, I find myself engaging in a little
more conversation with people or, at the very least, taking that extra moment
to connect. It might be someone that
needs assistance, or merely the opening of a door. Or, I might make eye contact with someone in
the grocery store, and make a passing, but kind, comment. Sometimes they “return” the kindness, but
even if it’s just a smile that gets returned – it makes a difference to both of
So, having said all that, the reality is regardless how busy we may be, it only takes a moment to show a little kindness. And I’m going to try harder, even when I’m super busy or in a cranky mood (most days fall into one of those categories) to share simple acts of kindness. If nothing else, it just might put me in a better mood. And, ideally, it might get passed on.
|I always say, “Red is the nice one.” And, by that I mean she always tries to behave in a pleasant or agreeable way, wanting people to like her (although there are days when she has exhausted her quota of “nice”). But, kindness is different. Kindness is doing something that is helpful to others. It can be contagious, and the benefits and ripple effects can be significant. However, instead of quoting research and statistics, I will share this simple, but powerful, video, “ Change The World With Kindness.”|
P.S. – Need some kindness ideas, click here. Or for some inspiring quotes, click here.
relate. When my husband got fired, Black made me total up all our credit card debt, and I broke
down in tears. The funny thing is that before
she’d help me deal with it, she insisted on giving me a history lesson on credit cards. And
although I love history, initially, I fought her. But I’m so glad she ignored me! To this day, understanding that the origin of
credit cards wasn’t a line of credit but instead a convenience (to be paid in
full every month) has made a huge difference.
But that doesn’t answer your question. I think we all know how easy it is to rack up credit card debt, especially during the holidays. A holiday budget would’ve helped, but now you need a monthly budget to see where you can cut back and apply those “savings” to pay down your credit card bills. Without making this a math class (not my favorite subject), I just memorized that after paying the minimums, I should apply any “extra” money to the credit cards with the highest interest rates (APRs). There’s nothing I can do about the past, but I can start making better decisions today.
I appreciate that “misery loves company,” and recognizing that we all are susceptible to overspending (Nicholas Cage took it to the extreme) helps explain why in the last year, credit card debt has exploded.
I recently read that HBO star Issa Rae admitted that when she was a college student, she ran up lots of credit card debt, to the point it was “crippling” (her word, not mine). It reminded me of how shortly after getting my M.B.A. (in International Finance, so I had no excuse), I got in debt over my head. To the point where although I was making a great salary in a corporate job, I had to take a second job waitressing on weekends to pay down the debt.
Am I suggesting you get a second job? No. I am suggesting you look at the numbers and then decide how best to “attack” them (maybe even consider debt consolidation to lower the overall interest rate you are paying). Some people suggest paying off the lowest balances first, but that is a psychological approach. As Red will tell you, I am pragmatic and prefer to crunch the numbers, and come up with a realistic plan and set myself up for success.