My daughter keeps telling me to stop nagging her. But I’m just trying to help her. Can you help me? (2.0)
We're re-running this post because as long as there are parents and children, there will be the "disagreement" of nagging vs. trying to help.
Plus, this is one of Red's favorite posts as, being a mom, she faces this challenge almost daily. (Or, at least that's what her girls would say!) Black believes it applies to spouses, too (as does the underlying behavioral science)!
|I feel like I should just turn this over to Black since I'm a mom to two daughters and they'd agree with your daughter in terms of moms and nagging. But how about some advice from my younger daughter?! She's told me, on more than one occasion, that it would be better if I didn't feel the need to say something over and over again, that instead of nagging her, say it once maybe twice, then wait a while and see if she needs another reminder. Or maybe even ask her when to remind her. Which is great advice! But I have to tell you, as a mom, that's so hard to actually do, although it does work.|
As Red knows, I prefer to ask questions than to give answers. My question for you is, "Would you be more
inclined to do something if you were told to or because you were motivated to?"
For example, you could "nag" and say, "You keep telling me you are going to find a job, but you do not even fill out the applications." Or, you could ask a useful question, "I know you want to find a job. What ideas do you have as to how to accomplish that?"
It is the difference between nagging and asking questions. When someone wants to do something, it is more likely to happen. But do not believe me … it is actually a proven technique, called Motivational Interviewing, and it works – even for mothers and daughters.
If you had
asked me this when my girls were young, since we celebrated both Chanukah and
Christmas, I would’ve said, “Shop for lots of gifts.” Which, I found out the hard way, resulted in
lots of credit
card debt. The funny thing
is, except for my immediate family, I give homemade baked goods to almost
everyone else on my list. Black made me
realize how important it was to plan and budget for the holidays, and I started buying things throughout the year and/or
putting aside money. But, maybe
more importantly, it also made me think about the “best” gifts to give my
And I quickly realized it was the gift of time. I couldn’t help but think of the times I’d be busy and only give half my attention to the girls, promising to spend more time with them “later”. And “later” would never happen. So, I created “Day with Mom” gift certificates that were redeemable for a day to do what they wanted (within reason, of course). Surprisingly, actually shockingly, each chose simple things to do, and this special day of spending time together became one of their favorite gifts (and mine, too).
I have a very short list. In terms of family, I always give my
nieces gifts throughout the year versus feeling forced to find something during
the holiday season, although I do give small “token” gifts and send Red rugelach
from Zabar’s. (It is efficient as I am
already on the website on Cyber Monday buying business gifts.) Of course, for
some people I want to “thank” during the holiday season, cash is the best gift. |
I recognize I am very fortunate, and charities (like Make-A-Wish) help me keep my life in perspective. I have an annual budget, and as situations arise throughout the year (unfortunately, given the increase in natural disasters, they occur all too frequently), I make charitable donations. But, I also realize that during the holiday season, many people are hungry and turn to food banks, so part of my holiday tradition is donating to the Houston Food Bank (part of Feeding America).
me, this is a very special Black Friday
… as it’s Black’s birthday, which makes me smile as the term “Black Friday”
couldn’t be more perfect. So, as much as
she prefers to ignore it, my daughters and I will ignore her (it’s probably the
only day we can get away with that) and, at the very least, wish her a very
Happy Birthday in person.
After that, I’m looking forward to carrying on my “day after Thanksgiving” tradition, which unlike millions of other Americans, isn’t going shopping. It’s going to the movies! And it’s not because I hate to shop; it’s because I love the quiet and escape of a movie, especially as it’s the perfect way to relax and recuperate after my marathon Turkey Day shopping, cooking, and cleaning up. Of course, the popcorn is the best part, and Black claims (rightfully so) it’s the real reason I go to the movies.
I celebrate my birthday the same way I celebrate holidays
and even Black Friday. I work. And, enjoy the quiet and uninterrupted pace
of the day as everyone else is busy doing something else. (Red refers to this time of year as the “silly season”,
but all I know is that in-store shopping is too crowded, too time-consuming,
So, when do I do my holiday shopping? For family, I do things for them throughout the year, so holiday gifts are more like holiday tokens. For everyone else, usually on Cyber Monday, especially at Zabar’s, where I traditionally buy most of my holiday gifts. And, while I know that for some people, nothing will stop them from shopping on Black Friday, for others (such as myself), nothing will get us started.
it’s a simple question, but I hope you weren’t expecting a straightforward answer. In terms of my favorite candy, which I rarely
eat at any other time of the year (but I find the Halloween sizes irresistible),
that would be M&M’s (regular or peanut), Nestle Crunch, and KitKat. The
funny thing is, unlike our mom, I’m not a chocoholic,
but there’s just something about the combination of sweet and crunchy. (Which may also explain why I love kettle corn, but
that’s an entirely different subject.)
But when I think of Halloween and fall (my favorite season), there’s one candy that beats out all the others – candy corn! And it has to be the traditional white-orange-yellow ones. I’ll admit that I loved them more when I was a child, but the fact they’re one of my daughter Natasha’s favorites always make me smile. As does memories of making turkey cupcakes with candy corn forming the perfect feathers, beak, and feet!
I have one word to describe candy corn – nasty. Consistency and flavor. Although I will admit they make great
(non-edible) cupcake decorations. Anyway,
growing up, my favorite Halloween candies were Mounds, Milk Duds, Charleston
Chew, and Starburst. (Candy trivia –
which of those was used to teach rheology, the branch of physics that studies
the deformation and flow of matter? For the answer, check out this paper
from the Geological Society of America.)
Today, although I am no longer a candy fan, I enjoy the history of Halloween candy in general as well as specific nostalgic treats. But, I love how the Halloween concept of individually wrapped smaller versions of candy is now being used for other food items (such as pretzels, veggie chips, and popcorn). And, I am stocking up on them as they are perfect portion-controlled snacks good year-round.