My daughter keeps telling me to stop nagging her. But I’m just trying to help her. Can you help me? (2.0)
We're re-running this post because as long as there are parents and children, there will be the "disagreement" of nagging vs. trying to help.
Plus, this is one of Red's favorite posts as, being a mom, she faces this challenge almost daily. (Or, at least that's what her girls would say!) Black believes it applies to spouses, too (as does the underlying behavioral science)!
|I feel like I should just turn this over to Black since I'm a mom to two daughters and they'd agree with your daughter in terms of moms and nagging. But how about some advice from my younger daughter?! She's told me, on more than one occasion, that it would be better if I didn't feel the need to say something over and over again, that instead of nagging her, say it once maybe twice, then wait a while and see if she needs another reminder. Or maybe even ask her when to remind her. Which is great advice! But I have to tell you, as a mom, that's so hard to actually do, although it does work.|
As Red knows, I prefer to ask questions than to give answers. My question for you is, "Would you be more
inclined to do something if you were told to or because you were motivated to?"
For example, you could "nag" and say, "You keep telling me you are going to find a job, but you do not even fill out the applications." Or, you could ask a useful question, "I know you want to find a job. What ideas do you have as to how to accomplish that?"
It is the difference between nagging and asking questions. When someone wants to do something, it is more likely to happen. But do not believe me … it is actually a proven technique, called Motivational Interviewing, and it works – even for mothers and daughters.
believe things happen when the time’s right or don’t happen because it isn’t
the right time. And I know the concept “timing’s
everything” helps us make sense of things we don’t understand or
when we’re disappointed that something didn’t happen.
However, I often use the idea of “timing” to help me prioritize things, and not just “bigger picture” issues but also my “to do” lists. For example, things that are high priority always seem to get done (even if in a panic at the last minute), but I’ve found that when I use the excuse “it isn’t the right time” to delay doing something (which happens more often than I like to admit), it becomes apparent what’s important to do and what can wait. And sometimes, the timing’s never right (in other words, it doesn’t need to happen at all).
I believe that “timing is everything” because we continually encounter things that influence us and change how we think and act. And, it can apply to just about anything – business opportunities (early innovations), relationships (Right Person? Wrong Time?), places (being in the right place at the right time or not being in the wrong place at the wrong time).
A decision that may not be right for us at one point in time may be right at a different time. And, how many of us have thought, “If I only knew then what I know now”? To a great extent, timing is out of our control, but we can try to be better prepared for “when and if” the timing is right.
One of the best things about holiday weekends is having an extra
“weekend” day, especially as most weekends are spent on personal things I can’t
get done during the week, so can be just as exhausting as the week itself. But I always try (but don’t always succeed)
to get some “me time” by
escaping to my local AMC movie
theatre, even if it’s more for the popcorn than the movie.
This year, since I have some airfare credits that will expire, I’m going to take advantage of the extra day and visit my oldest friend (from 5th grade!) who lives in New York. It’s strange being an empty-nester and taking a mini-vacation on my own. It seems like only yesterday, when my girls were much younger, that Black would take us (and her stepdaughters) to the Hyatt Hill Country in San Antonio, so I know that holiday weekends can provide lifelong memories!
|I love three-day weekends as instead of having two days when I can work uninterrupted, I have three. Some might think I need to get a life, but I have passion projects that bring me joy, so I am doing what makes me happy. And, I have a standing “appointment” at 3 p.m. every Memorial Day to observe the National Moment of Remembrance.|
It is important to remember that Memorial Day weekend is more than just a holiday weekend (and the “unofficial” start to summer). Memorial Day honors the men and women who died while serving in the U.S. military. A day to put aside politics and think about patriotism, and remember those who made the ultimate sacrifice for our country.
I know you're not talking about the incredibly popular
Friday the 13th horror
, which, for the record, I'm not a fan of. Not because they scare me or I dislike all
the blood and gore, I'm just "old school" and prefer the classic horror movies like
Bela Lugosi as
and Boris Karloff as Frankenstein. Although Mel Brook's "Young Frankenstein" is a hilarious "classic"
and one of my all-time favorite movies.
But I digress. I'm not superstitious, so I don't believe Friday the 13th is an unlucky day. Interestingly, our grandmother thought that the number 13 was very lucky, so Friday the 13th was a particularly good day for her. What I will say is that I've always been interested in parapsychology (keep in mind that I'm "older", so this was before all the TV shows about ghost sightings that now pose as "reality TV"), although I feel that I should draw a distinction between the scientific study of paranormal activity and a belief in superstitions.
Actually, there is
science and logic related to superstitions, and I can see how superstitions
can give people a feeling of being in control, which in turn helps them cope
with anxiety and uncertainty. Obviously,
it is a function of whether you believe something good will happen or something
bad, and ultimately it can become a
self-fulfilling prophecy. Friday
the 13th is a good example, as whether you think it is unlucky or
lucky, you will look for "supporting evidence."
(I find it neither, but was intrigued by how many times it happens each
year and other
That does not mean I do not believe in other superstitions, but I do not try to defend them. Sometimes it is a nice break from being pragmatic, and I figure there is little to lose and maybe something to gain. And I am not alone when it comes to superstitions – there are superstitious athletes, like Michael Jordan, who wore his North Carolina practice shorts under his NBA uniform for good luck, and even superstitious scientists.