1. START A CONVERSATION

Sometimes the hardest part of a meaningful conversation is simply getting started. That is why we created Red & Black Conversation Starters: no right answers, no tests, and no requirement that anyone agree.

And as simple as ... Stop. Think. Listen. Talk.

READ: A Conversation About Conversation Starters

TRY THIS: Instead of asking a coworker, “How are you?” when you know the response will be, “Fine,” ... try asking something that might start an actual conversation:

- What's been on your mind lately?
- What's making your job easier right now? Harder?
- Is there anything you wish the rest of us understood?
- What's something good that's happened this week?

You don't have to have a solution. Oftentimes, starting the conversation is enough.

2. LISTEN. TRULY LISTEN.

Talking isn't the same as communicating. And hearing isn't the same as listening. And communication isn't finished when you send the message. What matters is whether the other person receives it and understands it.

READ: It’s June … Blah-Blah-Blah Or Bullet Points?

READ: Listen To This Stutter!

TRY THIS: The next time someone is talking to you, notice what you're doing.

- Are you listening?
- Or are you waiting for your turn to speak?

3. YOUR WAY MAY NOT BE THEIR WAY

Some people talk things through (Red). Others want bullet points (Black). Some people would rather write than talk. Some need time to think before responding (some don't realize they do!). And some people may be much more comfortable sending a message than calling or walking into someone's office.

The important thing isn't how you communicate. It's that you find a way that works.

READ: Talking Stuffed Animals?

TRY THIS: Think about someone you work with regularly.

• How do you communicate with that person?
• Is that the way you prefer, or the way they prefer?

There may be a difference.

4. DON’T ASSUME — ASK

Sometimes people need advice. Sometimes they need help. Sometimes they need someone to understand. And sometimes they simply need someone to listen (what Red calls "venting".)

READ: Sympathy? Empathy? There’s A Difference?

TRY THIS: Instead of immediately trying to fix the problem, ask:

“Do you want my help figuring this out, or do you just need me to listen?”

And remember, there is no wrong answer. So don’t just ask. Respect the answer.

5. WHEN YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT TO SAY

Sometimes we don't know what to say when someone is going through something difficult. So we say nothing. Which makes it worse.

Red learned how isolating that can feel after she had two miscarriages. No one wanted to even acknowledge what had happened, let alone talk about it. For Red, that made an already difficult experience even harder.

You don't need to have the right words. Sometimes you just need to acknowledge that someone may be hurting.

READ: *** Create ASK R&B based on excerpt from book re: miscarriage and getting fired (pages 84-85)

TRY THIS: If you don't know what to say, why not say exactly that?!

“I don't know what to say, but I wanted to check in. You don't have to talk about it, but I'm here if you want to.”

You may not be able to make things better. But you can make sure silence doesn't make someone feel alone.

6. YOU'RE NOT ALONE

A problem can feel much bigger when you think you have to handle it by yourself. Red learned that during one of the most difficult periods of her life. Years later, when we spoke to students facing their own uncertainties, the message was simple:

You don't have to go through difficult things alone.

Friends. Family. Coworkers. Counselors. Support groups. Someone you trust. Talking to someone can be a start.

WATCH: You’re Not Alone!

TRY THIS: Ask yourself these questions:

1. Who would I call if I were struggling?
2. And, just as importantly: Who might call me?
3. Maybe even, who would I want to know that they can call me?

7. HELP IS AN ACCEPTABLE 4-LETTER WORD

Being capable doesn't mean doing everything yourself. In fact, one of Red's recurring problems is waiting until she's overwhelmed before admitting she needs help. Sound familiar?

WATCH: Only One Doing Anything!

TRY THIS: Don't wait until someone says, “I need help.” Pay attention. Ask:

“You've got a lot going on. Anything I can take off your plate?”

They may say no. Ask anyway.

8. WHO'S ON YOUR PIT CREW?

Black may be alone in the race car, but she's never racing alone. Every driver depends on a crew — watching, communicating, anticipating problems, and doing whatever is necessary to keep the car on track.

Work — and life — aren't very different.

READ: Comparing Marriage To Racing A Ferrari?!

TRY THIS: Think about your pit crew and identify:

• Who is on yours?
• Who knows when you're having a bad day?
• Who will tell you when they see something you don't?
• Who can you call when something goes wrong?
• And think about: Who counts on you as part of their pit crew?

9. TIME ALONE IS VERY DIFFERENT FROM TIME AWAY

You can spend an entire workday alone and still never have a moment to yourself. Emails. Messages. Deadlines. Meetings. Notifications. Problems to solve.

Time away is different. It might mean doing something by yourself. Or it might mean spending time with family or friends. What matters is stepping away from work long enough to focus on something — or someone — outside of it.

READ: Don’t Confuse Time Alone With Time Away!

TRY THIS: Ask yourself: When was the last time I deliberately disconnected from work and did something with no objective other than doing it for myself? It could be spending time by myself or connecting with others. Schedule time to do just that ...

No survey. No score. Just five questions worth asking yourself occasionally.

1. Who haven't I actually talked to lately?

2. Who on my team seems different than usual?

3. Have I really listened to anyone today?

4. Who would I ask for help if I needed it?

5. Whose pit crew am I?

Technology can connect computers. People still have to connect people.